I thought I lost track of her in high school. Outgrew her. I matured. I was sure I had left her behind. But this week she showed up in my bathroom mirror. I pretty much hated her then, and I think I hate her even more now.
In the last week, I've made some bad decisions.
I tried to find a way to belong at a church where the Lord said we didn't belong, and yesterday, I made the mistake of trying to talk to someone who was far less concerned about how my heart was aching and far more concerned about how I was failing to live up to the Faith Hall of Fame inductee requirements because, after all, the way I was feeling was wrong, the way I was thinking was wrong, my attitude was wrong. So much for simply wanting a kind voice that said, "I'm sorry your heart is hurting."
A friend of mine talked to me after the church situation and asked, "Why did you do that?" He wasn't judging. He didn't understand.
I told him I thought I had heard God about not belonging there, but I was giving Him the chance to correct me in case I missed it out of personal reasons.
And that is the truth. At least that is what I told myself and chose to believe when I did it.
I didn't want to tell him the rest because, since we are being undaunted truthful in the ugliness of it all, I was embarrassed to tell him because it sounds pathetic. It sounds desperate. And frankly, I feel stupid wanting it, but I tried to fit because for the last five years I have had nowhere to fit. For the last five years I've tried very hard to be courageous and brave and solid in faith...and I want a place to be...soft...a place I don't have to be in charge and know all the answers...a place where I can say, "My heart aches," and not be told how it is all my fault and how that is a sign of my faithless immaturity because after all, if I really trust God, then I trust His plan for me and I trust His ways and His timing, my heart won't ache for what it doesn't have because it is filled with the joy of God and has no need for anything else...you know, like human relationships.
I told my friend once I had this fantasy of being wanted, not just because I can pray for people or because I have the answer to a Bible question or know how to respond with medical aid or because I serve some utilitarian purpose but because someone simply enjoyed my company. He told me it isn't a fantasy. Evidence suggests that it is.
So, I tried to fit into a church I don't fit into and tried to have an authentic conversation with someone who clearly disapproves of my imperfect authentic self and other stupid attempts to simply connect...to feel like I fit somewhere. To feel like someone really valued me enough to see value in me and listen...and want my company.
And I hate this part of me that simply wants a hug, who would like to hear someone tell me I'm beautiful, who wants to be invited to dinner, who wants to be enjoyed enough that someone simply wants to sit on the couch and watch a movie. I'm not talking about a man being in love with me. I'm simply talking about a friend who has time for dinner more than once a year...if that often. I hate her because these things about her hurt me, and I hate that I lose my senses, get desperate, and do stupid things to make the hurt stop.
"What a person desires is unfailing love..."--Proverbs 19:22
That's me.
And even as I write this, I want to delete it all because I dread the Christian-ese fallout, but the title of this blog is Undaunted Reality, and I believe a lot of people have the reality of wishing someone really accepted the parts that weren't performance perfect...and wanted their company anyway. I'll be honest. I don't have the answer, but I can tell you with all honesty, I'm sorry your heart hurts, and if I were there, I'd hug you. Not just one of those pansy hugs either, but a long "lean on me 'cause I've got you right now" hugs, and you could breathe because all that stuff you are carrying, I'm in it with you. But I'm not there, so all those words don't really help, so let me just say...
Dear One,
I'm so sorry your heart hurts.
Mine hurts for you.
And I know it is crushing when you don't feel wanted and loved, and it is easy to want to destroy that part of you so you don't hurt anymore, but please don't. Please keep believing...even when evidence suggests that your hope is merely fantasy.
I'm praying for your strength and your courage to keep believing...and for you to know the joy of being wildly loved.
With all my heart,
Jerri
((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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