I'm Not Just Walking for Me

So, WonderBoy went to brush his teeth, and I heard a, "Mom! I think you should see this!" from the bthroom, except I didn't even have to get to the bathroom before I saw the water coming under the walls. Yep. The tub is full, toilet overflowed, and floor covered. Plumber #3 is coming tomorrow. Thankfully, already scheduled because there was concern that #1 didn't fix it all. Plumber #2? Comes Sunday to fix the drain pipe just under the house.

Me? Honestly? Thinking I am glad I already planned to put tile down in the bathroom because the bleach water I use to clean this when it is over will destroy the varnish on the stained concrete, and do I want to go with the tile that looks like boards or squares? I like the boards, but they might clash with the laminate flooring I hope to get down before winter.

Also laughing at the irony that all my towels are now wet and I have no way to wash them without making a bigger flood. Come on. It's funny.

And this is what else I"m thinking. I'm thinking one day my kids are going to be adults and they are going to go through those crazy times when they wonder if something could please go right, and I want to lay out a good map for them to follow when that happens. I don't want to be the example of stress and chaos and cussing and crying. I want to be the example of calm and clear thinking, so, I sighed more than I wish I had. Honestly, I'm really sleep deprived right now and running on low energy, but we delegated the towels and the water turnoffs and all that had to be done, and stuff was moved to my bahtroom, which, thank you, Jesus!, isn't flooding or clogged. And we laughed about the towels and decided to just let the dishwasher finish running because stopping it would only send water through faster. All calm. All methodical. Like I want my kids to learn to respond.

This isn't life-threatening. It's a nuisance. It's time consuming, but it isn't crisis. Even all the stuff crammed together the last few weeks isn't crisis. It's just transition at full-speed. We are the ones who have the crisis or not.

So, with everything that comes, I pray for God to give me wisdom to know what to do, but I also pray to handle it all well because I want my kids to know how to handle it well. To me, that is part of my privilege as a mom...laying the map for how to deal with the stuff that comes.

Thank the Lord He is amazing about guiding our steps, not just for our walk but for those following behind us.

Stay on the journey!

Jerri L. Kelley

Why I Chose Not to Date As a Single Mom of Younger Kids

In June 2010, my husband moved out. In February 2011, he died of a massive heart attack. I was 42 at the time, and my kids were 10 and 13.  That was seven years ago.

During the last seven years I have been on two "dates". I was told they fell into "date" status because I got dressed up, and he paid. Those two men I have loved as friends since high school.

There has been nothing romantic, not because there wasn't opportunity but because I made some choices with the intention of a specific outcome.

My kids had experienced a parent who wanted another life more than he wanted a full-time life with them.
They had an up close and personal reality check that life is not stable.
They knew what it felt to be "not valuable enough".
They were sad, angry, and grieving.
They wondered if it were their fault and if they had been something else would their dad have stayed.
They knew the devastation of not being able to depend on someone to stay and keep the world steady.

By the way, these are typical emotions for kids who experience divorce.

The kids did not need someone else they couldn't depend on. They didn't need to feel like they were a bother. They didn't need more chaos.

I couldn't undo what had been done, but I could keep it from getting worse, so I opted not to date casually because I didn't want men coming in and out of their lives who only strengthened the idea that men are not dependable but walk out on you.

I chose to focus my energy on my kids. Instead of going out with someone who made my heart flutter on Fridays, I stayed in with people whose hearts needed a steady presence.

I chose to make them first, and I canceled or said no to anything that conflicted with them.

I chose to be the stable force, and by doing so, I demonstrated with actions that they are valuable.

I stayed and made it clear to them that they were not too much, too loud, too demanding, or too big of a failure to be worth staying for. They were not the problem. And on days when the weight of responsibility got to be too heavy, I made it clear to them they were not the ones making me heavy. It was all the decisions, all the things I had to figure out, all of the rest of life, but THEY...they were the gift.

And I made sure no one came into their lives who might shake that.

Yes, I was asked out on occasion, but no one passed my four non-negotiable questions, so no one became part of the landscape, not even passing through. The kids knew I talked to this man or that man, but they also knew why it never went further than talking. I explained the non-negotiables and how I would not settle, and frankly, that made them feel safer and more stable.

My kids and their hearts were non-negotiable.

The only two men my kids have met are long time friends of mine that I knew would remain friends, and they have. My kids love both of them, and they love my kids. My kids have these friends' numbers in their phone and know they can call any time.

I won't lie and tell you it has been easy being alone this whole time. It isn't. Sometimes it isn't so bad, and other times it feels crushing, but the truth is it has been worth it. My kids are in good places emotionally and mentally. We have a great relationship. They know they are valued, and I am always here for them. They know I am fierce for them, and they feel crazy loved. Even when we strongly disagree, they know I'm not going anywhere.

I know when someone chooses to leave, it is tempting and easy to want someone to fill that void. It feels good to be wanted and loved. It feels exciting for someone to want to spend time with you and listen to you and be there for you. It feels good to the soul. I know. I really know. It also feels good to a kids' soul, and as parents, our priority should be the well-being of our kids. Sometimes giving that kind of stability and healing to your kids means you put your desire for all that on the back burner until your kids are okay.

My kids are now 17 and 20, still living at home but both in college, and for the first time, I am honestly open to dating again, and the kids are ready for it too. Not just because they are getting ready to leave home, but because they have been blessed with an intentionally safe home.