Being the Princess

Dear Fallon,

It happened again yesterday. A well-meaning person commented that perhaps my strong, independent personality is the cause of my being single because really, what man wants a woman who is hard to lead?

I usually try to pick my words carefully so I don't give more ammunition for them to use and say, "That is exactly what I am talking about." However, yesterday, the statement hit the wrong raw nerve, and I said frankly, "I don't mind following a good leader. In fact, I would love a good leader to follow, but I have no patience for weak or unstable leaders, and I will not follow one. I will shoot him in the head, throw his body off the side of the road, and march on before I waste my time and sanity behind another weak leader."

Stop shaking your head. It's not like you are surprised.

And I keep trying to write this, and my tears blur the screen every time because the words hurt me. They always hurt me.

You know why I hate fairy tales? Because I believed them. I dreamed of being the princess the knight in shining armor saw as breathtaking, beautiful, and worth fighting for. I dreamed of being the princess the knight knew was valuable and worth saving. But that didn't happen, and I had two choices: 1. believe the broken knight in narcissistic, self-preserving armor who said I was beautiful but not worth the effort, or 2. believe I am beautiful, amazing, fascinating, intoxicating, and valuable no matter what any knight says.

I chose the latter.

I chose to be strong and fight for my children. I chose to be courageous to get us through the horrible pain and the loss that felt like it was going to swallow us whole. I chose not to let "not being chosen" define me or limit me.

And, yes, I became independent because there was no one to depend on.

There was no knight in shining armor. There is no cavalry. The Marines are not coming in to save the day.

So I gave up that princess waiting to be saved crap and became the princes who is strong, independent, courageous...and criticized for it.

But between you and me, I miss knowing at the end of the day there is a human being who wants to be part of my life and share his life with me. I miss the touch of a man's hand on the small of my back when I walk into somewhere, just that reassuring touch that says I've got your back.

On those days when everything hits hard and failure is not an option and I'm trying to find my footing, I would love to hear a human voice whisper to me, "It's going to be fine."

Last week I met a nice man who opened the door for me as we walked and talked, and after a fumble at a door, I remembered I needed to walk on his left side so he could reach the door and open it. Of course, we only had one more door after that, but it went smoothly. :-) And I was surprised at how nice it felt to step to the other side of the door, to know he had that, to feel covered. Isn't it weird how a man opening a door can make you feel safe? It isn't just a man opening a door, though. Lots of men open doors. Chivalry is alive and well among men. I witness it regularly. It was a few things. The way he carried himself. Where he stood. He allowed himself to be a safe place, and I'm quite sure it is about who he is and not any kind of romantic interest in me, but still, for those few seconds, it was nice to step into that realm where someone else had my back instead of my always covering everyone.

Sometimes I feel like a pansy because of the physical issues I have, but sometimes my body physically aches with the weight of things. I've had female friends tell me how they understand being a single mom because they have to do all the shuttling of the kids and handling schedules. They assure me they get it. And I wonder if they realize how much their husband bringing home dinner means or what a total blessing his making sure all the vehicles have gas and a recent oil change is. I wonder if they realize how much all those "small" things he does adds up to, because I know it's huge.

I have given it a lot of thought, and sometimes, I don't even need marriage. Just a wonderful man who calls and asks if I would like to go to dinner...and then picks the place. I'm so tired of making decisions there are times I simply don't eat because I don't want to decide what to make.

I would love to go to bed at night and be wrapped up in arms that assured me I'm not in this alone and I'm not going to drown because sometimes, it feels like I could, and who do you tell that to anyway? As a friend of mine posted on his Facebook page, "The problem with being strong is no one ever asks how you are?" That's pretty much true. Granted, last week two or three folks asked how I am, and I told them the weeks since my husband's birthday have been a struggle around here, and only one actually responded.

The truth is it really doesn't matter because at the end of the day dealing with the aftershock of the kid's grief after their dad's birthday is still my responsibility. Figuring out whether to invest in the fridge that could be best for WonderBoy if he pursues culinary arts or going cheap (because who needs bells and whistles anyway) is up to me. And I am the only one who can decide to give up the king-size bed and buy a full-size mattress because it is cheaper and more sensible and it is just me anyway...except I had hoped....

But you know, according to all kinds of wise folks who know all about these kinds of things despite not having lived anything like this, even that is wrong. I need to be happy with my life. I need to rebuild. I need to be whole on my own. I need to move on. The people who say such things need to get out of their cliché covered boxes. They are babblers who want to look like they have answers and some kind of wisdom when in fact, they have no clue. I mean, do you really get that is being said? "If your heart just quits wanting what your heart wants and is happy having something that isn't really what you wanted but other people think is a fine substitute, you're good."  Stop reading it over and over again. It won't help, and it doesn't change the fact I have a great life with great kids and great forward motion and great things I get to do and am whole and know I have purpose and value...but still want someone who wants to be part of the adventure.

You know, it isn't that I miss my husband or that I want to be saved by a man. I don't need saving at all. God really does have us, have me, and if a man is the type who needs to save a woman to feel good about himself, he can save both of us time and sanity by looking for some one else. No. I don't need saving. Enjoying feeling safe and needing saving are not the same things.

About a year after my husband died, I was telling a friend of mine how "not girly" I felt. He replied that I was strong and amazing, and he said, "Jerri, not all men like their princesses soft."

Maybe what he was saying is some men understand that some princesses don't want to be saved or need to be saved, but they still want to be safe.

Maybe some men understand there is a difference.

I hope so.

Still choosing to be the strong princess even if it makes me the single one,

Me

copyright 2014 Jerri Kelley Phillips, All Rights Reserved

Not All Princesses Are Created to be Soft

I'm sharing this here because some of you...well, you just need to know...not all princesses were made to be soft, some were made to be warriors, but they are ALL fearfully and wondrously made.
....
Finally finished my get-to-know-you paperwork for the ladies' group at church. I honestly didn't want to do it because...

Fave books: Stuff I've read lately that I enjoyed...
Marine Sniper
American Sniper
Fearless--Seal Team Six Member Adam Brown
On Killing (fab study on psychology)
Day of War (SO GOOD)
The Plain Fear series

Hobbies:
shooting and guns
archery
kayaking
fishing
volleyball
board games

Yes, I'm still coming out of the June Cleaver/pervertedProverbs31 indoctrination, and I'm still a bit self-conscious around church women. BUT, God woke me up at 0400 this morning and told me to finish the paperwork. He reminded of something a friend I deeply admire said to me when I was struggling with this before. He said, "Not all men like their princesses soft." Those were powerful words to me. This morning the Lord said, "Not all women want to be soft princesses. Someone is praying for someone to believe she can be a warrior princess. You are an answer to prayer."

So, paperwork done. The King has spoken His blessing, and He is ready. Let the royal warrior princesses come forth.

Noble

As I laid the day's plans before the Lord and spoke to Him about plans for visions He's given me, I asked Him for wisdom and balance. "Balance" is a word often used but not truly understood by most of us, so I wanted to find out His idea of balance. Once again, He took me to Proverbs 31.

This morning I am camping out on the first part of that section. It says:

A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.

I am completely unsure of what "noble character" actually means, so I went to the Webster's 1828 Dictionary. According to it "noble" means:

• 1. Great; elevated; dignified; being above every thing that can dishonor reputation; as a nobel mind; a noble courage; noble deeds of valor.
  2. Exalted; elevated; sublime.
  5. Distinguished from commoners by rank and title; as a noble personage.
  6. Free; generous; liberal; as a noble heart.
  8. Ingenuous; candid; of an excellent disposition; ready to receive truth. Acts 17.
  9. Of the best kind; choice; excellent; as a noble vine. Jeremiah 2.
  NO'BLE, n.
  1. A person of rank above a commoner; a nobleman; a peer; as a duke, marquis, earl, viscount or baron.
  2. In Scripture, a person of honorable family or distinguished by station. Exodus 24. Nehemiah 6.
  --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  nobleness
  NO'BLENESS, n.
  1. Greatness; dignity; ingenuousness; magnanimity; elevation of mind or of condition, particularly of the mind.
  2. Distinction by birth; honor derived from a noble ancestry."

So, a woman...
...who realizes she is not common but rather believes in her identity as being excellent and extraordinary,
...who is free from living down to expectations or the norm,
...who holds herself as dignified,
...who knows her honored place in the King's family...

A woman who embraces these truths about herself,
who is unafraid to proclaim these truths about herself,
unafraid to LIVE these truths,
unafraid to be set apart,
unafraid to be distingushed for her exellence,
unafraid to refuse to allow less of and for herself...

Who wouldn't want to be a woman like that?

LORD, open my eyes to see that such a woman already lives in me. I simply need to let her be seen for all she is according to your workmanship, perfect, and purposeful.

Copyright Jerri Phillips 2009

Where to Start

Yesterday morning the Lord and I met in one of the most reviled and dreaded places in the Bible--Proverbs 31. Believe it or not, I am the one who suggested our rendezvous point. I know many women avoid Proverbs 31 like the plague. Maybe the plague is actually less scary. For me, though, it is a place of peace and calm.

Instead of finding this woman my enemy, I find her my goal. I do not fear her. Instead, I embrace her. I want to be like her. Who wouldn't?

Her family life is great. Her husband adores her. Her children appreciate her as a whole and respect her. She is thought of well by her peers. She is wise, doesn't overextend herself, knows when to help and when to say no. She dresses beautifully. She doesn't wear herself out trying to achieve some insane level of false success. She doesn't get flustered or impatient. She is happy and laughing. She is fulfilled in every area of her life.

Who would not want to be her?

The truth is, I think everyone wants to be her, but enmity toward this woman comes from the fear that we will never be her. And we won't be. Not in our own strength. Not in our finite humanness. Our only hope to be like her is to be in Him.

If we look at verse 15, we find the beginning of who she is: "She rises while it is yet night and gets [spiritual] food for her household...(Amplified)" The NIV breaks it up differently. "She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family."

If those two thoughts are together, I really don't think they are talking about physical food. Either she is making an early breakfast, which makes no sense since she has servants to do that, or she is doing an early morning market run, and since they didn't have any twenty-four hour markets, that doesn't make sense either. That tends to make me think the Amplified has it right. She slipped out of bed early to slip into the presence of her God. Seems to me she even knew she could not be the person she was all by herself.

Notice she didn't wait until the house was quiet at the end of the day or when it became convenient. She was smart enough to know life in this world never allows for God to be convenient.

What I love most about this woman that Satan wants me to hate and to fear is her choice to engage life and not be a victim of it. She confronted life on her terms. She didn't wait for life to dump on her for her to run to her God and find out how to react or do damage control. Instead, she went to her God, got the strength and wisdom for life, and then faced life head on with confidance and joy. She didn't worry about the cold or the food or her family's rest because she had already been with the King, received His strategy, and implemented it. She understood the power of being a visionary, and she expected life to respond appropriately.

Or perhaps she never considered how life would respond at all. Perhaps she knew her God so intimately that she knew His plan and promises could not fail because He knew what life was going to do, and He already had a plan to overcome.

It is easy to look at the Proverbs 31 Woman and feel it is impossible to ever be like her--so good, so together, so...sigh... If you feel she is beyond who you could ever be...even beyond human, don't feel bad. You are in good company. She realized she couldn't be that person either. she knew only God could accomplish such things. That is why she started with Him before anything happened, not reverted to Him for damage control when everything fell apart.

As I said, I like this woman. I like how God looks in her. I want Him to look that way in me, too, and I know just where to start.

Copyright Jerri Phillips 2009

Be Still and Know...

...that I am God.--Psalm 46:10

The whole verse says this:

"Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."

Being still is not my forte. In fact, it isn't on my list of "sort of good at". However, God is clear. Be still and know that I am God...and watch what I do.

I will be exalted...

Exalted. Placed above.

When we were doing the house remodel, I felt like I was scrounging for time with God. I was trying to be still, but there was always some decision, some work, some demand. When the remodel frenzy was over (the outside should be painted this week), I prayed a simple prayer: "Lord, help me get still again and hear you. Help me to find focus again. Help me see the bigger picture of Your Kingdom and not the small picture of paint chips, shelf trim, and new dishes."

I prayed that prayer because I realized I had become addicted to the adrenaline rush of "have to". You know what I mean. It's the list as long as your leg reminding you of all the things that have to be done and the push to get them all done TODAY. Either that, or my handy dandy pendulum swung the other direction where I wanted to do nothing because there was so much to do that I couldn't do it all, so I did nothing.

Both are bad. Both get my focus off God and on stuff. Mostly, it gets my focus on me and my abilities. As I said, bad.

For over three weeks now, I have had bronchitis. The first two weeks were unreal. I don't think I've ever been that sick. I don't recall ever feeling like I would pass out from lack of oxygen. I truly felt like I was suffocating, and, yes, that was with the lovely steroid help I was getting. For the last week and a half, my airways have been open, but I am still draining and coughing. Talking is still a highly questionable activity, and I'm more thankful than ever for voicemail. I won't tell you I've enjoyed any of this. Quite the contrary. Had you been here one day last week, you would have heard me cursing this illness, this coughing, the aching muscles, and the whole viral thing to hell along with every demon attached to it and commanding it to stay there, never to visit upon anyone on this earth ever again. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, and God and I have discussed my thoughts on the whole issue.

However, I have to say that the Lord has not allowed the enemy to take my treasure. On the contrary, the Lord has been reminding me just what my treasure is, and I don't think I would have listened--or had the time to ponder it--unless I was too exhausted to make a body indention on the couch.

Last week, Jan Brand, a precious lady from my writing group, and I had a lovely exchange of emails. If you ever get the chance, sit with Jan awhile. Read her writing if you can, but absolutely, sit with her awhile. There is much to glean from her, and even if there isn't a large verbal exchange, you'll get stuff. Hold on to it. Let it simmer, as we say in the South. Check it periodically and see what God has cooked up through what you've learned from her.

She and I talked about a variety of things: writing, family, ministry, Truth seeking. Good stuff. I told her my philosophy on writing, speaking, and photography. I see the bigger picture. Then, she suggested that because I did, maybe I was seeing big enough.

I smiled.

The truth is I had seen that big, but it was so big. Bigger than I could believe for. At least, it was until Jan and I talked. Now, I realize I was right, and I have the faith to follow that path.

Now, you are probably thinking I'm going to leave you hanging with my metaphorical cryptic revelations, like I used to do. I'm not. I'll at least share part of it.

As many of you know, for years the Lord has put women on my heart. I am grieved at the loss of identity and value of women, not among the men, although that is frustrating. What breaks my heart is how very little value women have for themselves and other women. The enemy has done a good job of stealing identities, destinies, and hope. The Lord has given me strategies for restoring that. I believe God is outraged by the imprisonment of His daughters, and He is actively working to set them free.

Imprisonment takes many forms, and I expect over time He'll discuss them all here. For now, know He has not forgotten, and He has not abandoned. On the contrary, He is fighting ardently for every daughter of His that feels the pain of shackles or feels the cold oppression of prison walls. He won't leave you there if don't want to stay. He has given many people strategies, and they are working.

As for me, I have two main strategies I'm considering at this time.

First is a focused prayer group in which women come together and pray for their marriages and children. Satan likes to tell us we are failures as wives and moms, and since the core of our identity is that of nurturer and lover, we are easily immobilized or are easily distracted by means of escape to avoid the areas that hurt us. God doesn't want us to fail, and He doesn't want us to hurt. Instead, He wants to give us strategies to win and be victorious. He wants to kill the family curses and bring blessings on our families. I believe it is His plan to create units of warriors that fight together and keep each other focused on Truth. The question is date and frequency. I'm praying.

Second, I am presently working with several retreat centers to schedule a "semi-silent" retreat. They would last Friday through Sunday. We would come together for meals to talk, process, and pray. Otherwise, the women would be alone with their Bibles and journals and God. The idea being we all need to be still and hear God. We need to be still long enough to get beyond our prayer list and the noise of life to the point where we listen and hear His voice. It isn't just so we get direction and answers to our questions. It is to hear His heart for us and about us. The whole purpose is to be still and hear His heart.

One person asked me about worship. I have no intention of providing any form of worship music. In fact, iPods, CDs, and such are banned. Here's why. I think we should learn to worship the Lord out of our own hearts, with our own passion, in our own creatively intimate way. Sing a song in your head. Make one up, OR better yet, stop and listen to the Lord sing over you.

For too many women hoping God values them, loves them so much that He would serenade them is beyond any idea of possibility.

I guess my heart for these retreats is so simple. I want the women who go on them to have head on collision with God in all His amazing love and passion for them. I want them to be swept off their feet and enraptured by the One who is enraptured by them.

And so, I am working on two retreats a year, one in the fall and one in the spring. The retreat centers have not had anyone with this vision before, but when I shared it with them, they became very quiet, and then I heard, "Wow, that sounds amazing."

I think so. I should have the preliminary information organized by the end of the week, and I will send out the information to ladies then. If the Lord brings it to mind, pray for me, the retreat centers, and the ladies who will come.

Those are the smaller pieces of strategy the Lord has given me. As for the bigger picture, I simply want to minister to women and see them healed and equipped. Thankfully, Rob is in agreement, and we'll see what the Lord does with that desire. Just so you know, I expect it to be big.