You Know that Kid that is so Far Gone He's Beyond Hope? That was me.

Dear Mommas and Daddies,

My name is Jerri Kelley Phillips. I'm a writer, a licensed pastor, a momma of two teenagers, a writer, sane, a contributing member of society, and a person with a "once was" life. I doubt you care. I don't blame you. None of that really means anything until you really know about the "once was" life.

Thirty years ago I was 16, and I was the kid you would never want your kid around. I drank a lot, to excess. I drank enough to be not feel, and sometimes it takes a lot of booze to reach numb. I also had a serious affinity for prescription medication, which most people call "an addiction". You know that numb I liked so much? I could reach it a lot faster and without suspicious odors with pills. That desire for numb, not only led me to the bottle of booze and the bottles of pills, but it also led me right into being suicidal and simply wanting out. So I got as "out" of it as I could. I hung out with the "bad crowd". My friends went to jail for a variety of reasons. Miracle of God we didn't all go to the morgue. I stayed out too late, dated gawd-awful boys, lied, and went to church every time the doors were open. I have sung Amazing Grace with an amazing hangover more times than I can honestly remember. I testified on Sunday night after testing God on Saturday night.

Did I mention I was your nightmare teenager?

Now, you are probably wondering why I'm telling you this. It's not because I need to boast of my wild escapades. I'd just as soon all of it were buried in history like my sins are buried in Christ, which is the real point.

This morning I spent time talking to a momma whose heart is broken because of choices her daughter is making, and, "She knows better."

I know this is not the only momma whose heart is broken right now by the choices of a child. I know there are mommas and daddies who are dumbstruck by the lives of their kids, wondering how in the world their child can live like that when he or she knows the truth. I am quite sure my momma and daddy asked the same thing.

I knew the truth. I knew everything I did was wrong. I did it anyway. I had my reasons just like your child has his/her reason.

And, like you, I'm sure my momma and daddy watched me and wondered if I would ever get my s-(stuff) together, if I'd ever come to my senses, if I'd ever come back to God. I know they had times when they were just done and couldn't take anymore, and I'm sure they had times when they thought it was hopeless. I know some of y'all have thought and felt that very thing even today. I don't know what Momma and Daddy would tell you. They have passed on, and I can't ask them, but as the prodigal, this is what I want you to know.

I'm not that person anymore. In fact, most folks who didn't know me then have a hard time believing I was ever like that. I'm who I am because someone didn't give up and didn't give in. I'm here, telling you God can still your reach your child because someone believed God could still reach me.

Now, no one condoned my actions. No one should have. No one told me, "Well, you walked to the front of a church and said a prayer, so you're okay." Nope. No one EVER told me I was okay.

But the people who really made a difference, the ones that "got to me", also didn't tell me how I was damned and a sinner and a pathetic mess and how I made God sick or how I was going to hell. And there were those. The ones that softened my heart were the ones who said, "This is so not okay, but I love you. I'm praying for you. I know God has good things for you when you are out of this." And, yes, there were a handful that said that.

Momma and Daddy, I know it is easy to see that child and feel ashamed by their actions. I know it is easy to be mortified that someone you raised right could be so wrong. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for how it hurts your heart. I'm sorry for the hours you lie awake at night. I'm sorry for so much. But that child that looks hopeless isn't.

Trust me. Plenty of people thought I was hopeless, but I wasn't. I was hurting and confused, but not hopeless.

Your child maybe hurting and confused, but she isn't hopeless, and he's not out of God's reach.

God still has a plan.

Momma and Daddy, don't give up. Keep praying. Keep hoping. Keep loving.

Keep believing that God still has good things for that child when he or she is out of this. And they can still get out of this. The same God your praying to to reach them is the same God who heard and answered the prayers to reach me. He's still big enough. He's still loving enough. He's still in. And when you can't hope that kid will find God, trust God to find that kid. He can.

He did.

That's why I'm writing you this letter. To tell you I was that kid who was so lost in the dark that I was hopeless, except I wasn't, and neither is yours.

May God give you strength for the battle.

Praying for you and your prodigals,
Jerri

The Sad Fact...or the Fact of Sadness

Today my brother and I took the kids to see Inside Out, the new Pixar movie. Let me just say, the trailer lies. It makes it look all cute and funny, and there are parts that are, but the movie as a whole is heavy and a bit dark. And yet, it is a good movie. It is a needed movie.

In the movie, Riley has been uprooted from her home in Minnesota to live in San Francisco due to her dad's work. Really, that is the whole thing about Riley. The real movie is about what happens inside Riley. The main characters are her emotions: Joy, Anger, Fear, Disgust, and Sadness. In Riley's life, Joy has always had the controls. Riley is happy and easy going and...Joy-full. All the other emotions are good with this. However, after the move, there is a problem. Sadness starts touching things she shouldn't touch. Memories stop being happy and turn sad, and no one can figure out how to turn them back. Then--oh, my lands--the most horrible thing happens. Riley cries in front of people. So, the emotions do what people tend to do. They try to stop Sadness from touching things. They try to keep her busy reading books, stick her in a "box" which in this case is a circle, and keep her distracted. No matter what they do, though, Sadness keeps wandering around touching things, and Riley becomes...sad.

Now, I'm not going to give you all the details or powerful imagery because that is just cool detail by the writers. The powerful moment happens when Riley's imaginary friend realizes how much things have changed and consequently how much he's lost and will never have, and he begins to cry. Joy jumps right in to make him feel better, to see the bright side, to distract him with something else. Nothing helps. Then Sadness sits down by him, listens to his broken heart, and says, "That is sad. Your heart must heart" (I forget the exact words, sorry, but you get the point), and she hugs the friend while he sobs, and on the other side of the sobbing, he's better.

And Joy gets it.

Sometimes the only way to being better is through sadness.

Isn't sadness the right way to feel when things have changed so much and you realize what you had hoped for and dreamed of simply aren't going to happen? Isn't sadness the right response when all the things you loved are left behind and missing them is so great that instead of feeling joy when you remember them, it simply aches because you want them back?

In the movie, Joy and Sadness end up away from headquarters trying to find their way back...trying to find Riley's way back to being happy. It's no mistake the two are together, and it's no mistake they are both trying to make Riley happy again. You'll never have real joy for what you have until you feel the sadness for what you've lost.

If you go back and read my blogs or my journal, you'll see where I often talk about the importance of grieving. One cannot move forward unless one grieves. But until today, I didn't really understand what grieving really meant. I had in my mind that grieving meant addressing the anger and denial and coming to grips with the new reality. It does, and I did. But there is another vital part I needed. I needed to be sad.

One time I made the mistake of telling a person I considered a good friend at the time that I had been weepy for three straight days, and she informed me I needed to go get "happy pills". I asked, "You expect me to be coming out of all that has happened and be happy/" She replied, "Well, I just don't think you should be sad."

Except, sometimes, sad is exactly what a person should be.

And "happy" isn't a pill. It's a place where sadness does its job and lets the heart move on.

May you always choose to grieve--and be sad--well...
Jerri

For Now

Even before I knew how to write, I wanted to be a writer. My direction changed over the years, but the desire to write was always there.

Five years ago a lot happened, and I hit everything that came with the determination that it wouldn't define me or my children. I set my face like flint and committed to getting us safely to the other side where peace was the primary component of our world, not pain. I wanted us to be known for the hope we live, not the hell we encountered. Without a doubt, we've reached the other side. The kids are amazing, and unless you know our story, you would never suspect. It is truly a testament to God's faithfulness.

As for me, the last five years have taken a toll, and things that I always considered a key part of me were lost. I kept thinking they would show back up in time, that it was just the shock of things, but they haven't.

Writing is one of those things.

It's like I've lost my voice. I feel like I don't have anything to say, and when there is something that sparks something in me, I can't figure out how to say it. I kept thinking it was just all the energy of trying to get through everything and eventually I'd find the rhythm again.

I kept thinking I'd find that part of me again, but honestly, I'm wondering if she is simply gone.

Part of me wants to keep fighting to find that because being a writer and my faith are the only parts of me that has survived the whole horrific onslaught, and the other part of me...the very exhausted heart of me...is tired of the fight.

So for now....

God be with you. May He make His face shine upon. May His presence be rich and peaceful to your soul, and may your life be filled with Him and the joy of being His.

With deepest gratitude,
Jerri

Learning the Game of Football

One of my two favorite people is an introvert.

I've known this for a long time. However, I really didn't know what an "introvert" is.

I have a degree in sociology, took classes in psychology, and all I've ever really heard introvert defined as includes what it isn't. Introverts are not outgoing. They are quiet. They are not social. They are not comfortable in front of a group. They don't like to be on stage. They hate parties.

Somewhere in all the things they are not, I picked up one thing they are: they are insecure.

Makes sense. I mean, people who are insecure are nervous around crowds, don't like situations where they might embarrass themselves, don't like to be center of attention, just want to be...small...and unseen.

So being the good mom, I did what I always do. I tackled this head on. I worked on teaching Wonderboy social skills, speaking skills, conversational skills. I taught him how to make big gatherings into smaller ones and discussed stage fright to the n-th degree. If he felt insecure because he lacked certain skill, we could fix that.

Except it didn't.

In fact, I'm pretty sure it made things worse.

Last week I prayed a simple prayer. I asked the Lord to show me how I could bless my kids true identity, the people He created them to be. How could I encourage them to embrace, enjoy, and live His original design? I really expected Him to give me something nice to say, a note to write, or even something to buy that would equip them somehow. Nope. Instead, He walked us right into my son's nightmare. God's kind of weird that way, but as we learn in medical response, you have to know where and how someone hurts before you can apply the right kind of healing. God was ready to dole out some healing.

Last night we attended a surprise party for my cousin. WonderBoy really likes my cousin and was happy to celebrate her, but he was silent on the way to the party, and once we were there, he couldn't get out the back door to the empty outdoor seating area fast enough. He and I spent most of the party there, him breathing and forcing him to sit in his chair...and my watching.

I can only explain it as the Holy Spirit opening my eyes because the situation was typical. We'd go do a group thing, and I'd end up with WonderBoy outside trying to help him not crawl out of his skin. Being a presence. But somehow as I sat there, I finally understood. This kid isn't insecure. He doesn't lack self-confidence. He is very self-confident. He's an introvert. Except "introvert" isn't what I had always thought it was. Honestly, sitting there, I realized I have no idea what "introvert" really means, except to know it is a whole other world with totally different rules than mine. And my son was sitting there less than a foot from me alone in that world.

This morning I apologized for all the ways I made things worse. I apologized for trying to give him all the things I had been taught introverts lack. The truth is introverts don't lack anything. They just aren't extroverts. Contrary to popular opinion, introverts do not lack self-confidence. They just don't need to be loud about it. They don't lack social lives. They just prefer to socialize with one or two people at a time, not a whole group. They don't lack a willingness to speak up when needed, but they don't need an audience to feel fulfilled. They don't need to shout their beliefs and convictions from the rooftop because they will stand where they believe is right long after the person on the rooftop has lost his voice or society's interest. They don't lack the ability to be influential, but they don't need to beat someone else down to feel powerful. Introverts aren't lacking anything. They possess different things.

When I had finished apologizing and repenting of my sins toward him, he said, "Mom, it's okay. You were doing your absolute best to help me play a great basketball game. You just didn't know we are playing football. But now you do."

Now I do.

Before 0730, I was on my computer emailing friends I thought might know resources for me. I then hit BarnesandNoble.com in search of information. My full box of "teach this uneducated woman everything" should be here by the end of the week. I picked up one book while we were out and about today. So you know, I don't expect to become an expert on this, but I refuse to leave my son in a world he doesn't know how to navigate while he is being told to love himself for who he is because he is perfectly made by a perfect God but this perfection seems to leave him out of the world most other folks live in. If he is so perfect and an answer to prayer, why do so many people think they need to fix him so he isn't so...imperfect...so he can actually belong? If he was made to be such an amazing football star, why is everyone telling him how he needs to be so he can play basketball?

I think if that were me, it would only feed my feeling of failure. I would be incredibly frustrated that I'm wrong for liking football but don't know how to play basketball. I think I might develop a pretty healthy self-hatred not just because of who I am but because of who I can't be.

That's not okay.

I don't know a thing about introverts or their world, but I know about my son, and I refuse to lose an amazing football player just because he wasn't made to play basketball.

Football, here I come. WonderBoy and I are going to rock you.

"Do You Trust Me?"

I lay in the dark pondering the day, too aware of the implications to go to sleep. I had posted quite a bit on Facebook challenging parents and pastors to step and talk about holiness, accountability, commitment, and changed lives with their youth...and themselves.

One of my posts said:

Dear pastors and parents,

If all we have to offer our children and young people are fun activities and a moral lesson, we are failing.

If all we teach our children and young people is what not to do--don't smoke, don't cuss, don't have sex--then we've failed.
If all we teach our children and young people is to memorize scripture, we've failed.
Unless we teach our children to love like Jesus, we have failed.

Today, I am sincerely asking how I am failing as a mom and praying for God to show me how *I* need to love like Jesus and how I need to teach my children and the young people in my realm of influence how to love like Jesus. And I'm not asking this because I have it all together. I'm asking because I realize I don't have it all together, and I trust God to be faithful to answer me and equip and empower me fully for this calling He has given me.

God be with you as you live--and love--intentionally today.

Another said:

Dear Pastors,

There is a difference between building youth groups and equipping and growing godly youth. I've spent most of the day listening to my two teenagers brain storm on ways they can take responsibility for their spiritual growth and the spiritual growth of other youth because they are tired of the mentality that a great youth group is dependent on numbers. They are hungry for God, not a gimmick. They are also at a point when they are deciding if church is relevant or just a requirement for religious purposes. They are choosing to make JESUS relevant.

 I tell you this because my kids are not the only ones asking the good questions, and they are not the only ones who are tired of being told learning Bible stories is enough. They want to learn what life in Christ and for Christ looks like.

I also tell you this as a challenge. My kids are not afraid of being leaders. They are not afraid of hard things, and they are not afraid to call a religious tradition empty. In the last five years, we've left multiple churches because my kids have seen through the smoke and mirrors and marketing tactics to the bottom of the empty well. If my kids who desperately what Christ are willing to leave, so will others. What are YOU doing to stop them? And if you don't know how to stop them, talk to my kids. They will help you because they know every young person is a gift. Every young person has a purpose. Every young person is too valuable to lose.

Jerri Kelley Phillips-friends​

Mom of two teenagers who are choosing to live the counter culture, who are choosing to live Christ

There had been no major fallout, but I knew it was coming, and I lay in the dark and talked honestly with God about it.

"I don't know if I want to do this."

And I didn't.

When Paul says in Ephesians that our battle is not against flesh and blood but against "the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms", he isn't talking in metaphor. I've seen can happen when hell feels threatened, and I had just dropped a nice A-Bomb right in the middle of its plans to take our young people. Y'all may think that is a bit overly dramatic, but I was part of the "let's storm the gates of hell and take back our generation" conference that had taken place in my living room. I knew what was happening here. I knew the strategies being laid out. More than that, I was watching two young people step right into their eternal destinies, and they weren't taking prisoners. Instead, they were going to take prisoners back. There was no way to mistake what happened here yesterday. It was a wide-open declaration of war, and no enemy in its right mind stands by while its kingdom is ravaged. There would be backlash. And I didn't know if I really wanted that.

I wish I could tell you I was all Clint Eastwood yelling, "Bring it on!" But I was more like John Wayne thinking, "So is it a really good idea to take a stick to a nest of already angry hornets?"

And in a voice as clear as any I've ever heard, a simple question filled my room:

Do you trust Me?

Did I trust Him? The question was different than it had ever been. I understood it now. He wasn't asking if I trusted Him to keep me from hard things, but did I trust Him to be present in the hard things? He has a flawless record. While I didn't love the idea of hard things, sometimes the only answer is to take down the hornets' nest. And I trust Him to handle the details.

"Yeah. I trust you."

This afternoon I was on my way to Dallas down our country road. My friend Rod Dreher was discussing and signing his new book How Dante Can Save Your Life, which I love, and I wanted to get my copy signed. Plus, the man challenges me every time we talk. He's a good piece of iron to be sharpened on.

I was on a two-lane, paved farm to market road that is being worked on, and there is loose dirt and gravel in different spots. As I approached this area headed west, I could see the sports car coming toward the corner from the opposite direction. We were both approaching a corner. I was slowed due to the conditions. He wasn't. When I saw him hit the curve, I just stopped my car. There was nowhere to go, no evasive maneuvers to take. He was going to slide. The only question was: would he slide into me?

The back end of his corvette came into my lane, and then the back quarter panel. I sat still and watched as the car went out of control. I wondered if it would go off the other side of the road before it reach my spot or if it would hit the front of my car. I estimated that at its present rate of speed and slide, it would slam into the driver's front headlight just slightly ahead of it slamming into my entire front end. When it hit, I would probably be looking directly at the driver in front of me. I really hoped he was going fast enough to set off my airbag. Otherwise, this was going to hurt.

Then, my whole body relaxed.

And I watched.

I watched this car sliding out of control on loose gravel catch on what honestly looked like one tire and swing into the other lane in time not to hit me.

I immediately thought of my "preemptive strike" post on Facebook yesterday. Between the posts on Facebook and the private messages, I knew I had leapt into a realm where I was not welcome, and I knew the backlash would be vicious, and I asked simply:

"Pray for my family. Pray for me."

As the car drove past me, in my mind or in the air in front of me (I honestly couldn't tell you which), I saw untold numbers of bowed heads, all praying for my family, for me.

I could feel the peaceful smile of God, and again I heard the question,

"Do you trust me?"

Do you trust me to have you?

When I told Rod the story today, his faced showed the holy awe we both knew was due our God, who protects and saves. Rod simply said, "He has you."

I nodded. "Yes, He does."

And I trust Him to keep having us.

For those who are praying for my family and for me, thank you. Thank you for "having" us. My deepest gratitude is yours.

Choosing to trust Him....
Jerri

Forgive Me for Asking, but Aren't You Asking the Impossible?

Today, my friend John Perron posted to a Facebook group Divorced with Children concerning the importance of forgiveness. He didn't present it from a "good for your mental health" perspective or even a "good for your kids' mental health" perspective. He wrote it from a spiritual health perspective, which is important because our lives will go the way of our spirits. If our spirits are encumbered with unforgiveness or bitterness, our lives will show it. The biggest issue with our refusing to forgive others, which John pointed out today, is that it separates us from God.

Matthew 6 says:
⁹ “This, then, is how you should pray:
...¹² And forgive us our debts,
    as we also have forgiven our debtors....

¹⁴ For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. ¹⁵ But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

 

If you turn on over to Matthew 18, it talks about the wicked servant who didn't have mercy on the person who owed him begged mercy from the own he owed. The one he owed threw him jail until he could make up what he owed. Jesus says this is how those who refuse to forgive will be treated.

 

Now, if you are like I can be, it's easy to make excuses on this one. I mean after all, do you have any idea what that person did? Do you have any idea what kind of trauma that caused? Do you have any idea what that did to me?

 

But notice, there are no outs on this. Jesus doesn't say we have to forgive unless...

My spouse cheated on me.

My parent beat me.

That person sexually molested me.

That woman gossiped about me and destroyed relationships with people I cared about.

That crappy driver cut me off.

My kid announced he/she is homosexual despite my teaching them it's a sin.

My neighbor's dog jumped the fence and killed our family pet.

(write your excuse here)

 

The truth is God could hit me with any of the above.

Jerri, you cheated on me. There were times you weren't faithful.

You devalued me in the way you acted, talked, and lived.

You used me for what you could get, not for who I am.

You have gossiped.

You have thoughtlessly risked others' hearts and "driven your life" horribly.

Do we really need to talk about your sins you've committed even when you know it is wrong?

Others' lives have been hurt by you. Their hearts have been broken because of you. You have destroyed, even if it were unintentional, things that were precious to them.

You really want to talk to me about your right to be mad...and your right to expect me to forgive you...even when you're wrong?

 

The question about forgiveness isn't whether we have a right to forgive or not, but how do we forgive no matter what?

 

Forgiving someone can be hard, and sometimes people do things you think you could never forget, but God would never ask you to do the impossible. He asks you to go as far as you can go, and then let Him work in you to do the rest. How does that look in real life?

 

Consciously decide to forgive the person that hurt you. I've prayed honest prayers like, "God, I agree with you that forgiveness is the right thing. I don't know how to do that, but I am choosing to be obedient. I confess I have held unforgiveness in my heart toward that person, but you say in your word if I confess my sins, you are faithful to forgive me and purify me from all unrighteousness.* I need you to forgive me and purify me.

 

Every time that person and their hurtful action comes to mind, consciously forgive them. "Lord, I'm thinking about this person and what they did again, and it hurts me. I want you to forgive me when I sin, so I am choosing to forgive them."

 

Heal and let it go. Very often we have a hard time forgiving someone because we are living in the consequences. There are certain consequences we can't do anything about, but we can choose to give the pain to Christ and let Him heal it. "Lord, I have no power over what that person does, but I refuse to let their action determine who I am or my relationship with you. Heal me so I can let this go."

 

Pray for that person. Don't just pray for that person to do what is best for you, like to fall off the planet or quit making life hard for you. Pray for that person to know Christ, not just in a historical sense, but in a spiritually real way, as Lord and Savior. And get rid of that judgmental attitude that says, "Oh, yeah, that person needs God because he/she is a flipping mess." Yes, other people are stuck in the wake of that person's life in this life, but that person is stuck with it not only in this life but in the one to come.

 

Quit seeing a person who doles out pain and see a soul in pain. Yep. I know. This is hard, but frankly, when you are all wrapped up in this person who is hell on wheels and wreaks havoc in your life and makes you miserable, I can look at you and see a faithless, whining, self-absorbed, not-looking-remotely-like-Jesus person. When you call, text, email, or post, I can sigh that deep, "God, I dread this person" sigh, or I can see someone in pain and pray, "Lord, may my words be yours, and may they bring healing to this hurting heart. Forgive me for judging. I know what it is to hurt. Give me compassion and forgive me for being condescending. Your heart and your words, Lord. Your heart and your words."

 

Ask God if there is anyone who haven't forgiven...and don't be defensive when He tells you who it is because it isn't always the "biggies". Sometimes it is small subtle things that stung, ways we feel betrayed by someone, things people didn't do.

 

Remember, forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. It means you aren't controlled by the memories--mentally, emotionally, physically, or spiritually.

 

And forgiveness doesn't mean God expects you to let them do it again. It just means you don't determine to make them pay for the rest of their lives because they did it before. Respond to their present behavior, not their past.

 

Forgiveness can be hard, especially when dealing with ongoing offenses, especially when the person never apologizes. Sometimes it can feel impossible. In our own strength, some things really are impossible to forgive. Some things I've done I think are impossible to forgive, but God is faithful to forgive me...and faithful to help me forgive others. Sometimes I just have to ask Him how.

How I Messed Up My Marriage

More than once I've been asked how my marriage ended. People usually mean am I widow or divorced? Well, legally speaking, it ended when he moved out, I filed for divorce 6 months later, and then he dropped dead of a massive heart attack a month after that. However, that isn't really how it ended. It ended long before that. Marriages do, you know. They end long before someone declares them dead.

Mine ended about the second the pastor said, "I now pronounce you husband and wife."

I know. How in the world can a marriage end at the moment it starts?

Simple. I messed up. Huge.

We dated for nearly three years before we were married. About nine months in, we broke up. Something wasn't okay. I couldn't put my finger on it, but it wasn't. When I tried to talk to him about it, he asked simply, "Do you want to break up?"

And we did.

We shouldn't have. The break up, how it happened, how he reacted, should have told me to run the other direction, but there were a lot of other voices telling me how amazing he was, how perfect he was, how messed up I was. "In fact," these voices told me, "that is the problem. You are so messed up, you don't realize how amazing he is."

I believed them.

THAT is where I messed up.

I messed up when I ignored that quiet voice that said, "This isn't it."
I messed up when I ignored "little things" that concerned me.
I messed up when I chose to look only at the good things.
I messed up when I didn't trust myself when something kept telling me something was seriously wrong.
I messed up when I didn't believe what I knew even though I couldn't put it into words.
I messed up when I said, "I do," because I couldn't give a good reason why I didn't...and didn't think, "Because I don't," wasn't good enough.

Let me tell you something, "Because I don't," is good enough.

I told someone once that I felt like I had gotten on a crazy ride and didn't know how to get off. How do you get off when you are the only one who thinks it isn't the greatest thing ever? When people around you are saying you should feel thankful you were invited in the first place? When people are telling you how crazy and stupid you are for not wanting to be there when they would give anything to be you?

Simple. Step off the ride and say, "Here you go. You can have it." Then walk away.

You don't have to know why someone is wrong for you, only that they are.

And the idea that you can make the right marriage with the wrong person...why would you intentionally do that? I mean really, that's just messed up.