Is Healing Possible?

I have been asked if I think PTS is actually curable. Yes, I do, but there are key things required. Here is a list off the top of my head:

1. You have to own your part of the situation(s). I'm not saying take responsibility for someone else. I mean take responsibility for someone else.

2. You have to forgive yourself.

3. You have to forgive the party that inflicted the trauma.

4. You have to forgive the people involved in whatever conditioning or authority it took to put you in that place to begin with.

5. You have to quit blaming others. Stop being a victim. Something happened. Absolutely. But there is a different mindset in remaining a victim and saying, "Your actions don't have power over me."

6. Decide to take responsibility for your healing and work toward what a good life looks like to you. I don't just mean a nice house. I mean no panic attacks. I mean no trust issues. I mean all the mental and emotiona parts of a happy life. Choose them and work toward them.

7. Believe God is the ultimate word. This was the biggest thing in my healing and becoming whole. I decided from the get go that no person had the right to define me. Nothing they did defined me. Only the God who made me had the right to define me, and I would bow to no other words or actions but His, and He treats me GREAT and He loves me HUGE. THAT is where I live. That is what I own.

8. YOu won't ever be past trauma until you let God and the Spirit heal your soul. You cannot be whole apart from Him.

 

Trust me, I was not going to be a functional victim. That was not the "other side" for me. I am a whole person with absolute peace and confidance in God's plan and purpose for me. I know my value, and I am actively working with God to bring about His promises in my life. This is my other side I worked toward, and it was worth everything it took to get here.

 

Stay on the journey!

Jerri

When I Don't Like Someone

So all last week I talked about dying to self, crawling on the altar, giving up our self-righteousness, and all things feel good. (or maybe not) It all started with a woman in our class saying there were people she didn't like, and she was fine with it. Some folks were stunned that she would say that in a church class, but honestly, where better to say things like that? If we cannot be honest about our sin in church, where can we be honest?

Really, I hate the culture of the church that says, "If you are not great, wonderful, highly favored, blessed, or fantastic, then you are failing, and I cannot believe you had the audacity to walk in the doors of this church and contaminate it with that attitude." Seriously. I hate that. It ostracizes people. It makes them put on the false holiness thing I've been talking about. Church is supposed to be a hospital for the sick, not a social club for the feel-better-than-you. Church is the exact place we should be able to go and say, "Hey, I'm struggling. This person has offended me and hurt me, and I just cannot let it go...but I want to."

And that is the real issue. I think God knows as humans we are going to get offended, get mad, and be tempted to get bitter, and honestly, I think there are some things we have a right to be mad about.

A few months ago I talked with a woman who had endured horrible forms of abuse from an uncle. She had told me about this a few years ago, and we had talked several times about it. She had talked about the acts, the physical pain, the nightmares. She had always talked in a very calm, matter of fact manner. Until this particular phone call, and this time when she called, she was livid. She unleashed on him, her parents who suspected, other family members who suspected. I won't give you the details of what she said she would do to the "son of a bleeeeeep" if he were still alive, but I can assure you, he would be less manly. When had finished unleashing, she said, "You probably think I'm a horrible human being and a lousy Christian because I'm supposed to forgive him so I can be forgiven, and I'm not supposed to use that kind of language. Isn't that what you are supposed to say as a pastor."

I told her first of all, I don't use the Bible to beat people into submission (which is why she talked to me in the first place). Second of all, I think son of a bleep might be a bit kind. Third, I asked a simple question. "Do you plan to stay angry?" I could almost hear her blink through the phone. Finally, she asked, "What?" I repeated my question. "Do you plan to stay angry? See anger is a normal emotion in the grieving process, and Lord knows you have a lot to grieve, so I think the anger is really a sign you are healing. The question, though, is whether you plan to stay here or not. Because part of healing is moving past the anger instead of letting it become the leash that son of a bleep still controls you with."

And that is the real question. Do you plan to stay here, or are you just passing through?

I grew up in a family that lived in offense. Seriously. I think our address was something like,
#1 And Don't You Forget It Lane
Hold a Grudge, (State of) Offense

I saw what being mad all the time did, and while I would love to tell you my choice not to live in offense is all about wanting to be righteous, it isn't. A bit part of my choice is not wanting the consequences of being mad all the time.

Being offended all the time destroys relationships. It destroys marriages. It destroys relationships with family members. It destroys relationships with neighbors. Even some wars all boil down to someone got offended by someone else. Want to see the consequence of someone choosing to be offended? It's called the Holocaust. Why in the world would I want to live in that kind of destructive mindset? Why would I want to teach my children to live in that mindset and curse them to live with broken lives and broken relationships? I am a better mom than that. I choose to be a better person than that.

So what do I do?

1. On a regular basis, I ask the Lord to show me anyone I have a grudge, bitterness, or offense toward.
2. I confess in a real sentence my sin. "Lord, I have not forgiven this person, and I am wrong." Something huge and mysterious happens in our spirits when we actually use the words "I am wrong."
3. I ask forgiveness.
4. I ask to be purified of this bitterness, anger, or offense (1 John 1:9).
5. I ask the Lord to give me His heart for that person and to enable me to love that person like He does.
6. I ask the Lord to help me see the person's strengths, not just what drives me nuts.
7. Sometimes I just flat have to confess I'm struggling and need God to put His love for them in my heart.
8. I ask how I can practically express love to them. Amazing how acting with love nurtures the feeling of love.
9. I pray for that person as I would hope for my very closest friend to pray for me.

And when that person continues to grate on my nerves, because sometimes they do, I remind myself that I choose to love that person, and sometimes at that very moment I am having the nails-on-chalkboard reaction, I'll start to pray, "Lord, help me love them. Help me to see them like you do. Is there something causing this grating behavior that I need to pray about for them? How can I be their friend? Father, I choose to like them. Not just love them, but like them. I choose this. I need your help, but I choose this."

It just occurred to me as I was finishing that last sentence that what I pray can be summed up in one sentence:
Lord, change my heart toward that person.

There you go. Change me.

So often we pray for God to change the other person, to move the other person, to move us so we don't have to deal with the other person. Sometimes He says yes to those, but I have found almost always He says no to those prayers. But the prayer He always says "yes" to is, "Lord, change me that I may love and like more."

Yes, Lord. Change me.

Shalom, y'all.

Being the Self-Right(eous) Sacrifice So I Can Receive The Lord's Righteousness

Foundational facts:
Christ is the sacrifice for our sins so that we may obtain forgiveness for our sins (Ephesians 1:7-8),
live in Him both now and after our physical death (John 3:15 and John 10:10),
and by living a righteous life and dying for us, He is our righteousness (1 Corinthians 1:30).

Jesus was the sacrificial lamb slaughtered on the cross as an offering for our sins.

A lot of folks LOVE this. I personally love this. I think anyone in their right mind who realizes they are a sinner loves this. But there is a crazy thing about offerings people don't love too much:

You can never receive the blessing of an offering sacrificed on the altar of God without offering something of yourself on the altar as well.

Go back and check any of the offerings in the Old Testament. To receive the blessing of the offering that is sacrificed, the person had to offer something on the altar.

Now you may argue that isn't the case with the goats on the Feast of Atonement because the priests presented those and the people didn't. Sort of. The people sacrificed land to the priests. They also gave part of their offerings for the priests to live off of. The people sacrificed something to make the sacrifice possible.

Honestly, this reality isn't popular in today's church culture. People don't like the idea of giving something up to get eternal life. But Paul is very clear in Romans 6

¹⁰ For the death that He died, He died to sin once for all; but the life that He lives, He lives to God. ¹¹ Likewise you also, reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
¹² Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body, that you should obey it in its lusts. ¹³ And do not present your members as instruments of unrighteousness to sin, but present yourselves to God as being alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. ¹⁴ For sin shall not have dominion over you, for you are not under law but under grace.

This isn't some high and lofty theological concept. It's as plain and practical as it gets.

"Sin shall not have dominion over you." That is not addressing forgiveness of sins. It is saying quit living like hell.

"Do not let sin reign in your mortal body, that you should obey it in its lusts.  ¹³ And do not present your members as instruments of unrighteousness to sin, but present yourselves to God as being alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God." In other words, quit holding onto that self-right(eous) mirage you've built and choose the righteousness of Christ instead.

Now THAT sounds high and lofty theology, so let's talk about how this might look in real life.

Let me give you an example from my book of "Wow. I'm really ugly at times, aren't I?"

A few weeks ago my family started attending RCIA classes. In short, these are introduction to Catholicism classes. I didn't want to go. I honestly saw no reason to go. I'm not Catholic. I'm a Protestant pastor. Why do I need to go to these classes?

First class the priests asks, "Why are you here?" I tried to answer with respect while still being clear that I am not Catholic. "Catholicism has spiritual disciplines Protestantism has lost, and I want to learn about them." Honest answer. The priest talked some, and whatever he said, I took it as, "Glad you finally got a clue."

Notice I didn't say he said that. I said I took it that way. Self-right(eousness) does that. It rewrites and misinterprets as needed so I am the one who is right and the other person is offensive. It is, after all, the only way to be right all the time.

That night when I lay in bed trying to sleep, I tried to pray my way through the emotional mayhem I felt. "God, why do I need to be in that class? I don't even believe like they do. I've researched their beliefs. I don't agree. I'm just going to be a distraction. This really isn't a good thing. Why am I there?"

As loud and clear as you can hear a shofar on Rosh Hashanah, I hard, "You are there to learn to love them. Right now, all you see are Catholics who aren't like you. I want you to see people with hearts that can ache as much as yours has. I want you to see people who seek truth, want answers, and don't understand. I want you to see people who are just like you, and I want you to love them."

I honestly wanted to vomit at that moment. Not because God wanted me to love a Catholic, but because until that moment, I had no idea how prejudice I was. I had no idea how arrogant I was. I had not idea how much mental and emotional distance I kept between the two of us.

I had no idea that I saw "Catholic" and not people.

So you know what I did?

I confessed my prejudice and arrogance. I confessed my lack of love.
I asked the Lord to forgive me.
I asked the Lord to show me anything else that needs to be confessed and forgiven.
And, I mentally pictured myself as I crawled up on that bronze altar, lay down, and said, "Don't let me up until every piece of this stony heart is gone and I love them like You do."

I won't lie. It is hard. We see very differently on some things, but when we see differently, I ask the Lord to show me how they see Him and show me His heart for them.

Here is the thing. My theology may be right, but if my heart isn't, then I'm missing the heart of Jesus. How can I be righteous in Him if my heart toward others is wrong?

So I give up my right to think like I want and sacrifice it. I offer it to God, not because it makes me righteous. Nothing I do will ever make me righteous, but when I am willing to offer up my right to think and feel what I want, then I step into the sacrifice of Christ, take up His mind and His heart...and His righteousness.

Forgive Me for Asking, but Aren't You Asking the Impossible?

Today, my friend John Perron posted to a Facebook group Divorced with Children concerning the importance of forgiveness. He didn't present it from a "good for your mental health" perspective or even a "good for your kids' mental health" perspective. He wrote it from a spiritual health perspective, which is important because our lives will go the way of our spirits. If our spirits are encumbered with unforgiveness or bitterness, our lives will show it. The biggest issue with our refusing to forgive others, which John pointed out today, is that it separates us from God.

Matthew 6 says:
⁹ “This, then, is how you should pray:
...¹² And forgive us our debts,
    as we also have forgiven our debtors....

¹⁴ For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. ¹⁵ But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

 

If you turn on over to Matthew 18, it talks about the wicked servant who didn't have mercy on the person who owed him begged mercy from the own he owed. The one he owed threw him jail until he could make up what he owed. Jesus says this is how those who refuse to forgive will be treated.

 

Now, if you are like I can be, it's easy to make excuses on this one. I mean after all, do you have any idea what that person did? Do you have any idea what kind of trauma that caused? Do you have any idea what that did to me?

 

But notice, there are no outs on this. Jesus doesn't say we have to forgive unless...

My spouse cheated on me.

My parent beat me.

That person sexually molested me.

That woman gossiped about me and destroyed relationships with people I cared about.

That crappy driver cut me off.

My kid announced he/she is homosexual despite my teaching them it's a sin.

My neighbor's dog jumped the fence and killed our family pet.

(write your excuse here)

 

The truth is God could hit me with any of the above.

Jerri, you cheated on me. There were times you weren't faithful.

You devalued me in the way you acted, talked, and lived.

You used me for what you could get, not for who I am.

You have gossiped.

You have thoughtlessly risked others' hearts and "driven your life" horribly.

Do we really need to talk about your sins you've committed even when you know it is wrong?

Others' lives have been hurt by you. Their hearts have been broken because of you. You have destroyed, even if it were unintentional, things that were precious to them.

You really want to talk to me about your right to be mad...and your right to expect me to forgive you...even when you're wrong?

 

The question about forgiveness isn't whether we have a right to forgive or not, but how do we forgive no matter what?

 

Forgiving someone can be hard, and sometimes people do things you think you could never forget, but God would never ask you to do the impossible. He asks you to go as far as you can go, and then let Him work in you to do the rest. How does that look in real life?

 

Consciously decide to forgive the person that hurt you. I've prayed honest prayers like, "God, I agree with you that forgiveness is the right thing. I don't know how to do that, but I am choosing to be obedient. I confess I have held unforgiveness in my heart toward that person, but you say in your word if I confess my sins, you are faithful to forgive me and purify me from all unrighteousness.* I need you to forgive me and purify me.

 

Every time that person and their hurtful action comes to mind, consciously forgive them. "Lord, I'm thinking about this person and what they did again, and it hurts me. I want you to forgive me when I sin, so I am choosing to forgive them."

 

Heal and let it go. Very often we have a hard time forgiving someone because we are living in the consequences. There are certain consequences we can't do anything about, but we can choose to give the pain to Christ and let Him heal it. "Lord, I have no power over what that person does, but I refuse to let their action determine who I am or my relationship with you. Heal me so I can let this go."

 

Pray for that person. Don't just pray for that person to do what is best for you, like to fall off the planet or quit making life hard for you. Pray for that person to know Christ, not just in a historical sense, but in a spiritually real way, as Lord and Savior. And get rid of that judgmental attitude that says, "Oh, yeah, that person needs God because he/she is a flipping mess." Yes, other people are stuck in the wake of that person's life in this life, but that person is stuck with it not only in this life but in the one to come.

 

Quit seeing a person who doles out pain and see a soul in pain. Yep. I know. This is hard, but frankly, when you are all wrapped up in this person who is hell on wheels and wreaks havoc in your life and makes you miserable, I can look at you and see a faithless, whining, self-absorbed, not-looking-remotely-like-Jesus person. When you call, text, email, or post, I can sigh that deep, "God, I dread this person" sigh, or I can see someone in pain and pray, "Lord, may my words be yours, and may they bring healing to this hurting heart. Forgive me for judging. I know what it is to hurt. Give me compassion and forgive me for being condescending. Your heart and your words, Lord. Your heart and your words."

 

Ask God if there is anyone who haven't forgiven...and don't be defensive when He tells you who it is because it isn't always the "biggies". Sometimes it is small subtle things that stung, ways we feel betrayed by someone, things people didn't do.

 

Remember, forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. It means you aren't controlled by the memories--mentally, emotionally, physically, or spiritually.

 

And forgiveness doesn't mean God expects you to let them do it again. It just means you don't determine to make them pay for the rest of their lives because they did it before. Respond to their present behavior, not their past.

 

Forgiveness can be hard, especially when dealing with ongoing offenses, especially when the person never apologizes. Sometimes it can feel impossible. In our own strength, some things really are impossible to forgive. Some things I've done I think are impossible to forgive, but God is faithful to forgive me...and faithful to help me forgive others. Sometimes I just have to ask Him how.

Choosing Mom

I must have been seven or eight years old, first or second grade. A virus blew through, my fever spiked, and I was confined to the couch. For lunch, my mom heated up a can of beef and vegetable soup. She poured some in a bowl, and I ate part of that. Not much because my stomach wasn't much in the mood for eating, but enough. A little later I asked for some more knowing there was some left. I remember Mom's voice when she said, "I'm sorry. I left it on the stove and didn't put it in the fridge. I don't think it is any good now." I told her not to worry about it, it was no big deal. And it wasn't. But it was obvious it was a big deal to her. It was in her voice. That tone that feels like she somehow didn't do well, that she didn't take good care of her child, that somehow she failed. In her voice, I heard the guilt and sorrow.

Today I'm camped on the couch dealing with sinus issues that arise periodically. Between the draining sludge and all the meds running through my system, I am mostly sedentary. When I stand up, the room spins and my stomach rolls, and it is better for me to lie here and drink lots of fluids. WonderBoy helped me out and made my lunch. A can of beef and vegetable soup. He gave me part of it in a bowl, and I ate it all, put the bowl down, and dropped off to sleep. When I woke up, I needed more to drink, and as I passed by the stove, I saw the rest of the soup sitting in a sauce pain.

And I thought of Mom.

Today I would love to have some of her chicken and dumplings because those always feel good on my sore throat, but more than that, I would love to have her.

I would love for her perfume to fill my house.

I would love to talk and hear her laugh.

I would love to see her smile.

I would love to hug her. She gave amazing hugs.

I would love to simply have her here.

There are so many things I want to tell her, so much I understand now that I didn't understand then. I understand the strength it took to come home from a long day at work and make a meal every night for a family that took it for granted that she would do it.

I understand being a woman and how life doesn't go like you plan and how easy it is to make mistakes.

I understand wanting to get it right and the pain of getting it wrong and hurting those you love.

I understand that love covers a multitude of sins but it doesn't keep us from sinning against those we love most...even when we wish desperately that it would.

I understand choices she made and why.

And if I could tell her anything, I'd tell her I understand, and in case she wonders, I forgive everything I thought she did wrong...and everything she wished she had done better. I would tell her we are okay because I choose for us to be okay. I choose to admire her for her strength and her fortitude. I choose to be grateful for the things she did right.

I grew up in a time when parents were blamed for everything, and all they did was put under a microscope and picked apart and all their failures mentally recorded in great detail so therapists could get rich on those damning lists of sins. People remember the soup left on the stove that was no longer good to eat when they wanted it and forget that the soup was heated by a mom who stayed home from work and missed a day's wage to take care of a sick child. They never consider the mental turmoil of facing those lost wages and figuring out whether to pay the electric bill and eat beans and rice that no one liked for a week and listen to how tired of beans and rice people were or try to buy other food and figure out how to still keep the electric on.

It's easy to remember the sins, but it takes a decision to remember the sacrifice.

My mom was far from perfect. She said and did some deeply hurtful things that laid a horrific foundation for my identity and eradicated my sense of worth and value for a long time.

But here is the thing, my mom does not get to choose my identity. I do, and I choose an identity that does not hold on to the sins and the anger that comes with them. I choose not build a prison of anger and resentment founded on what a broken person did. If my identity is based on the actions of a broken person, doesn't that make me broken, too?

Instead, I choose to be one who forgives because I pray to God for my kids to forgive me. I choose to be grateful for her staying home and making the soup. I choose to remember the tone of her voice, the one that said she really did want to get it right, even the small things like soup when I was sick, and was sorry when she didn't. I choose to remember the smell of her perfume instead of the smell of her cigarettes.

Some would say I'm recreating her to make her the mom I wanted. No. I am fully aware of the hurtful things she did, and I could regale you with a list of the ways she was not the mom I wanted, but I choose to be grateful for the mom I really believe she wanted to be, and the mom she wanted to be was there when I needed her, providing what I needed when I needed it. And for that, I'm grateful.

The Bad, The Good, and The Growing

Yesterday I posted about the lady at our church who talked to the kids about Groundhog's Day, and I told you what I thought was wrong with it. I also want to tell you what was right with it.

As I mentioned briefly in my second post, she called and apologized for offending me, and she explained her intentions in bringing up the topic with the kids. What was right with that? Several things.

First, she followed biblical principles in calling me to talk to me about the issue. I don't know how she even know about the blog post because we aren't Facebook friends and she isn't a typical blog reader. I don't know if she even knew who I was before this morning, which speaks even more to her character, in my opinion. She could have blown me off. She really had nothing to lose if she did. I certainly am not leaving my church because someone talked about Groundhog's Day. Honestly, she had nothing to lose if she didn't say a thing. She could have taken the coward's way out, but she didn't. She took the road of character instead. She called this person she didn't know to apologize for something she never thought would mean anything. Gives me a good idea of why she is one of the leaders. Leaders are more interested in creating unity than defending their rights. She could have told me all the reasons she had every right to say what she did. Instead, she told me how sorry she was I was offended. That is godly character.

Whichever leader read the blog could have blown me off and not told her about. I mean really. How many people read this blog anyway, and how significant am I in the big scheme of things? She's a leader in the church, and I'm...not. Could have been really easy to ignore the blog, say nothing, and let it go away, but someone didn't. Someone felt it was important to value this lady, who deserved the right to give her side, and me. I think this person also values the church. After all the church isn't a building, it's the people in it. Seems to me someone values unity among the body enough to address the issues with honor and dignity so family stays family.

Third, the lady explained to me why she brought up Groundhog's Day. She was trying to make conversation. The kids are in public school, and the topic would come up during the week (today as it turns out), and it was something to talk about. Now, the hardcore religious side of me wants to rise up and ask, "Really? And that is the best you had?" But let me give you reality of this. At least she tried. I sat in my chair listening to someone else's conversations and didn't engage anyone. She looked at this population of people that goes unnoticed and unaddressed by adults until they do something wrong and get in trouble, and she was earnestly interested. SHE TRIED. It's easy for me to find fault with her effort from my place in the cheap seats, but let me tell you something. If you asked God today which one of us looked more like Jesus, I have a feeling He'd say it was the one who went after the sheep, and that wasn't me.

I still have issues with the church's acceptance of pagan and humanistic holidays, philosophies, and beliefs, but I also have issue with someone who sits on her butt on a padded chair in "the safe zone" and finds fault with someone's efforts to love people and risks getting it wrong. Some days I make myself sick.

And all of this has left me challenged.

I could have written that first blog better. It came out sounding like an attack on her, and that really isn't what I intended. It was badly done, but I'm leaving it up there so people can see I really don't have it all together and am in desperate need of grace and forgiveness all the time, and if God can use this muddy mess, He can use anyone.

I'm also challenged to listen carefully to the Spirit concerning anything I say that gives glory or power to anyone or anything besides God. I prayed that prayer in earnest, not just because I like to sound profound and eloquent. No point praying if I am not going to listen to Him answer.

Also, the Bible says to be prepared in season and out. I don't remember the rest of the verse, but right now, that seems pertinent enough. At church this morning I wasn't prepared to engage the kids. I've never been prepared to engage the kids. This week I need to be in prayer concerning things to talk with them about. But even beyond them, what about the people in line at the grocery store? Standing in the elevator? On the other side of the gas pump? In a world where people are so detached and feel so isolated, could I really make a difference by simply starting a conversation, asking about their day, be interested in who they are? Seems too simple. Okay, it already feels awkward, but Jesus talked to a tax collector in a tree...and the town trash at the well...and...It worked for Him. This conversation starting simply because He was there and the other person was there and after all, they were divine appointments, weren't they? Maybe some of these people I watch pass by in silence are souls wanting to be found? Maybe they don't know how to reach God, so God wants to reach them through me. I guess I'll open up a conversation and see.

Finally, in the midst of writing this, I've called the lady back (nope, still not giving her name) and talked some more. It was a good talk, and we're fine. Actually, it was good because I understand her heart, and maybe she understands mine, and while we came at this issue from two different perspectives and with different passions, we agree that both are important. What Satan meant for destruction God is using for growth in both of us, and you know what happens when children of God talk through their differences (real or perceived) and grow? He gets glorified. And that is always good stuff.

The Brutal Beauty of the Cross

Dear Fallon,

I finished my online class today, so I've started reading Chasing Francis again. I had finished through chapter 2 when the main character, Chase, agreed to go on a pilgrimage with his Uncle Kenny. I put the book down because it sounded too much like my desires when we visited Italy. I had wanted to visit the churches, sit and be still, listen, find something that I knew was missing. Of course, keeping the baby inside me safe was more important, so our four months of touring Italy became a trying nine days and emergency trip home. That baby is now closer to 15 years than 14, and I'm still seeking.

I'm completely unimpressed with this middle class Jesus America has made a business of.

Oh, don't get me wrong. I don't think the American church is the anti-Christ. I just don't think it really wants to know Christ. It wants to know what it can get but not what is needs to sacrifice.

We have these strip mall and grocery store rehabbed churches, and they have lovely interiors, comfy chairs, rock star stages. They want people to feel comfortable, and folks do. But there is no power to change lives in the comfortable. There is no reason to change if we are comfortable.

So people don't.

People don't change.
Lives don't change.
Families don't change.

I believe it's because people aren't being taught that the only real life comes from being crucified, but we can't have that in the churches because that is gory and scary and shocking and who wants to see a suffering Christ? Besides, that isn't the story, is it? The story is the resurrection. The story is forgiveness. The story is eternal life.

Except the only way to life is through death on a cross that we either don't allow at the front of the church, or we sand it smooth because we don't want anyone getting splinters, and we gloss it up with varnish so it's pretty.

Except, when it comes to the cross, there are splinters, and it isn't always pretty, but it is wildly beautiful...this cross we have to step into if we are ever going to truly be resurrected because the life Jesus came to give is also for the here and now, not just the here after.

And how can we take on new flesh when the old is alive and well, and what would kill it unless we put it on the cross and take Jesus as our own?

But we don't like the cross because it reminds us of who we are.

We are sinners in desperate need of a Savior.

We are not simply people who make mistakes and need someone to clean up the mess. We are the mess, and we need to be cleaned up.

But how do you wash the filth off this muddy mess except for the blood of the Christ, and how does one bathe in that anywhere but where it was spilled? It wasn't spilled on an altar in a Tabernacle. It was spilled on a hill for all to see. It wasn't a humane sacrificing. It was a brutal one.

And how do you make that comfortable?

As a teenager, I sat in a Catholic church staring at Christ on the cross, and it made sense to me. When nothing else in the world made sense, that did. And it wasn't ugly. Or scary. Or hideous.

It was the most amazingly beautiful thing I had ever seen.

Because in the cross I found an odd belonging.

It is the only place I have ever seen a hand reaching out to me because I was wanted.
It is the only place I have found I am loved by choice, not by circumstance.

In the cross I found someone who chose me.

The truth is the cross is the only place I have ever felt chosen.

Maybe the cross is shocking. How can I realize how much I deserve His hatred, see how determined He is to love me, and not be shocked?

How can I find offense in a cross that reached beyond my offenses so I could be chosen?

Was it brutal? Yes.
Was it horrific? Yes.
The fact that humans could do such inhuman things to another man is horrifying.
The fact that He would endure it for me...the most amazingly, beautiful thing I've ever known.

Me


copyright 2014, Jerri Kelley Phillips
All rights reserved

On the Road to Hope with Miss Daisy

Dear Fallon,

Today I watched Driving Miss Daisy with the kids. It is one of our all time favorites.

It's the craziest kind of movie. It can terrify you so much you never want to marry or settle you down to your soul and pour courage you thought long gone and makes you sure marriage is a beautiful thing and you can really do this.

Of course, Miss Daisy and Hoke never marry, and yet, they kind of do, and in their never made official marriage, I find my fears and my hopes of ever trying such a thing again.

My fear are the differences, and my lands, don't they have enough to work with. Differences can create chasms and build walls and create their own miserable environment. Sort of like the flu bug that invades our bodies and makes us hate being alive at moments. But despite the differences, they found common ground, and I know, one could argue that they didn't exactly have a choice because Boolie wasn't going to let the situation go. Except they did have a choice. They could have chosen to be arrogant toward one another. They could have chosen to judge each other and see each other through preconceptions, like Miss Daisy did when Hoke ate the salmon, but instead, they learned to grow and understand. They accepted and acclimated.

Last week I wrote an essay about the fruit of the Spirit. Forbearance is the one fruit no one wants to pray for. I think it's because it demands so much change from ourselves. It demands that we understand where someone is and who they are and maybe why. It demands that we consider the possibility we are the ones who are wrong and are in fact, the grating part and we may be in the process of changing and the better version of ourselves. Forbearance isn't just tolerance. It's an active effort to demonstrate love despite any affliction we feel.

The truth is neither Miss Daisy nor Hoke changed a lot, not in general expression. Miss Daisy was still the blunt-speaking woman at the end she had been throughout the movie. She still had her opinions on how things should be, and she didn't mind telling folks. Except, she had changed. She had become appreciative and deeply grateful. Instead of keeping walls up, she ventured into his world, and she let him into hers. They made the vegetable garden like he had suggested, and when he offered to pick up the spoon to feed her pie, she didn't refuse or fuss. She moved her hand and let him feed her.

And he did.

He was no longer just a man trying to do an honest day's work for an honest day's pay. He wasn't just a driver tolerating the woman he had been hired to tend. He was the man who tried to find the door into her pain by sharing about his friend's dad being lynched as she grappled with Temple being bombed. He was the man who could have stayed home in the ice storm but instead brought her coffee because he knew her routine, and when she said, "There's nothing to do but keep me company," he smiled and said he would start a fire. Obviously her company was what he wanted anyway.

This is the man who had no fear about getting in her face when she had a break in faculties and couldn't find the papers for her students, the man who, instead of trying to coddle her, put a finger in her face and told her to pull herself together because he knew she had it in her to pull it together. Yeah, he had a job to lose if she didn't, but I think he was far more concerned about his friend than his job.

Interestingly, that is when she looked at him and said, "Hoke, you're my best friend."

And there you go. My hope.

After the things my husband said when he told me he wanted a divorce, I went through a period when I hoped for someone who thought I was perfect, but I don't hope for that anymore. Perfection is a prison because it doesn't allow for change or growth for either person. It's a lie of security that really just suffocates.

Now I hope for more. I hope for the differences and the forbearance to weather them. I hope for the determination to understand, accept, and acclimate. I hope for someone to find his way into my pain when I can't find my way out, and I hope he thinks the silly things are the endearing things. My hope of someone patient knowing I'm changing too and rough places are being smoothed, someone who knows when to tell me to step up and knows when I can't. Someone who thinks my company is enough.

Like I said, I know they were not married, and the cynics will say a marriage couldn't have survived such an environment, but a marriage has to survive that kind of environment or it will develop into that environment or worse. If two people don't respect, accept, and acclimate, they will grow intolerant. If they don't choose to find a way in, they will ultimately look for a way out. If the silly things aren't endearing, they will become irritating. If someone's company isn't enough, they will never be able to do enough to be the company you want.

People make the mistake of thinking love is something you feel. It's not. It's choosing to live a certain way.

Choosing to love more abundantly,

Me

When People Hate Being Loved

I've been reading about this person and that person coming out as gay and how courageous they are for standing up for their beliefs. And I'm wondering.

If I come out as a Christian who stands for the Bible, traditional marriage, forgiveness for sin, living a godly life, and heaven not being for anyone who doesn't play by the rules to get there, does that make me courageous or a hater? Because here is the thing, I don't hate anyone.

I don't think those people coming out as gay hate me because I'm not. So why should people assume I hate them because I come out as a Christian? Because I don't agree with them? There are a lot of people I don't agree with, but I don't hate them. I just don't agree with them. There is a difference.

I don't hate people if they are gay, heterosexual adulterer, or a virgin; drunk or sober; drug addict or clean; victim of believing the lie of abortion or had 18 babies and counting; church goer or not. I don't hate them. However, I do believe with all that is in me that the only joy in this life comes from a relationship with God the Father and Creator through His Son Jesus, and the only door for that is confession of sins as defined by the book written via inspiration by God, the acceptance of forgiveness for those sins through the blood of Christ, and living out the salvation one claims to have. Because of that belief, if someone is living outside the guidelines presented by the Bible, I will call the actions wrong.

I tell my son when 7x8 does not equal 64. I could leave it like that so he could feel good about himself, but he would be wrong, and it would impact his life. Telling him the right answer may not make me popular with him, but if he listens, it helps him in life.

If know the truth of what God expects and the glory of what He offers and do not speak that truth, then I am really saying, "I know this is messing up your present life and will keep you from entering heaven for eternity and in fact, will send you to hell, but I don't care. I'm too afraid of making you angry or hurting your ego to do what is best for you." I don't tell people the truth out of hate. I tell people the truth because I know a better way.

I don't tell my son he is wrong because I think he is stupid or broken. I tell him because he doesn't know. It's not a judgment against him. It's just where he is. When I share the truth of Christ, it isn't in judgment of someone not following Him. I don't think they are stupid or bad. I think they don't know.

So what makes me a hater exactly? The fact that I think there are consequences to one's actions? The fact that I have the courage to stand against the lie that God is good and God is love  and He just wants people happy and would never send anyone to hell?

Well, God is good and He is love, which is why He sent Christ to die on a cross for the forgiveness of sins and redemption of lives. You can find that over and over. It is all over the New Testament. What I've never found, though, is a live any way you want for free card. It simply isn't in there.

Again, not hating. Just speaking the truth according to the Word of God.

Now, if you don't like that Truth, that is your choice. If you don't want to live by it, that is also your choice. I still love you, but I won't lie to you and tell you it's okay. Love wants the best for you. Hate doesn't care what happens to you. If I told you it's okay when it's not, THAT would be hatred, and even if you hate me, I love you too much for that.

Yesterday Was Ugly, so Do Something New

Ephesians 4
22 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self,

 which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires;

23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds;

24 and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

You know that old self that yelled at the kids yesterday, picked a fight with the beloved, was rude to the cashier who had no control over the fact they don't have your favorite chocolate, and tossed some select sign language at that driver who needs to learn the point of a blinker.

Yeah. That self.

Take it off.

Toss it in the trash.

That isn't who you are anymore. You just forgot for the day, but today, you remember without fear.

You are like God in true righteousness...doing the right thing, saying the right thing, responding the right way, only holding the right things important...and holiness...forgiving yourself, humbling yourself to ask forgiveness from others...and being humbled enough that they can easily forgive you because they shouldn't HAVE to forgive you, they should see your true repentance and be compelled to forgive you.

Put on that new self that takes up the easy yoke that isn't weighted with pride or ego or self-loathing, but with love, kindness, and mercy...even for yourself.

Beating yourself up for yesterday won't undo it, but it might lead you to repeat it, so let it go.

Put on the new you with new hope for a new outcome in this new day. It's a gift. Unwrap it for all its worth.

Grace--When Looking Up Says You Never have to Look Behind Again

"Jerri, you keep mentioning grace, and I've heard about it in church, but I really don't understand what it is."

"Jerri, I have this head knowledge of what grace is, but I can't figure out how to make it heart knowledge."

"Jerri, you keep mentioning grace. What IS it?"

Let me tell you about me, and my experience with grace, and maybe that'll make it more real and less "theological dictionary."

When I was a teenager, I had an addiction to prescription drugs. I used alcohol to excess so I could feel numb. I thought the most valuable thing about me was my jeans size. I got everything wrong and nothing right, and there was an ample number of people who told me so. I was horribly ashamed of who I was and what I did, and there was no way out of it. I was judged by people in my family, in my school, and in my church. Did I mention I ran with the "bad" crowd? Druggies. Drunks. Thieves. People who thought sex was a premium and people were expendable. People with rap sheets as long as my arm with no fear of the law. In fact, the only law  they recognized was the one on the streets dictated by the situation.

In an effort to pull my life together, I met a "nice boy", finished college, and got married. The degree turned out to be useless for employment, and before the honeymoon was over, I realized I had made a huge mistake but had no where to go and saw no way to get out. I tried to get help from the church and the church leaders only to be told what I failure I was because he was so amazing, it must be me. I spiraled into a dark place, shut down, hid the truth no one wanted to hear...and hated myself more than ever.

Nineteen years later, the charade came apart. A divorce petition was filed, and the fake I had been for all those years was right in the open for all to see, and judgments came hard and fast. And can one really drown in shame because if you can, surely I would?

How could I have stayed with someone like that? Did I have no self-respect? How could I lie? It was my fault for not telling. And it felt like all the sins and failures and false claims were waged against me, and I had been found guilty of it all because how could I be found otherwise? And there I stood in front of the firing squad who felt they had every right to demand I take responsibility for the whole mess I had created, and, Lord God, was it ever a mess.

I had made the wrong choice. I had married badly. I had...believed for the miracle that didn't come, and when you believe for a miracle and it comes, you look like a giant of faith, but if you believe for a miracle that doesn't come, you look like a sham and a failure. I looked like the biggest charlatan of all.

So there I stood. Taking the beating and the hits and the judgments, and there was no way out. There was no defense because how do you defend a life gone so horribly wrong? You can't.

But you can hide.

Except you don't hide in the lies or in the facades. You don't hide in mirages of what you wish things were. You hide in Truth.

You hide in Him.

You hide in the One who says, "I'm not ashamed of who you are or who you were or what you've done. I'm not ashamed to have my name associated with yours. I'm not ashamed to be seen with you. In fact, I want to be here. I want you for me. I want to give you grace."

Grace is the thing  that steps between you and the Judge, and instead of your getting beaten, it takes the bullet you deserve. Instead of hating you for all you've done, it loves you because you are simply you. It doesn't look at who you've been. It sees who you are and were created to be, and instead of looking back, it rejoices in now and looks forward to what will come.

Grace is the get-out-of-the-disgusting-Jerri free card. It is the gift that says you no longer have to be who you were or  think like you did or hate yourself for what you weren't. It is the Voice that says, "You are fearfully and wonderfully made. I have a purpose for you. You are worth dying for," and when you point to the past, He smiles and says, "I'm bigger than all that."

It is the safe place where punishment isn't, and you no longer have to fear the next shoe dropping. It is where you can breathe and dream of what you can become instead of carrying the weight of what and who you have been.

Grace is the Love that says, "You are more important to me than my right to be angry about not being important to you.."

Grace is what says I don't have to carry a sign that says:

"I'm an addict, a drunk, a failure at marriage, a failure in society, a failure at life.
I am an embarrassment to my parents, a bad example for my peers, and disgrace to my church.
I lose patience with my kids, lose desire to care, lose concern for others.
I deserve nothing good because I am nothing good."

Because in grace, none of that matters any more.

What matters is that I let Jesus take the nails, take the garbage, and have my heart.

What matters is that I choose God's love over my self-hate.

What matters is that I leave my insanity in the graveyard where I was living and walk right into civilized society and tell people how good God is because how good He is far more world changing than how bad I was.

Grace is when you are on your knees sobbing with your heart screaming, "If only I could start over...", and you hear that whisper that says, "You can."

Grace is what forgets what you got wrong yesterday and excitedly waits to see what you get right today.

Grace is the gift that lives in the present and has no interest in the past.

Grace is all about who He is and so very unconcerned with who I was.

Grace is what says, "You don't have to look back. Just look up."

So I do, and in Him, I find me. The peace-filled me. The hopeful me. The fearfully and wonderfully made me...the me I always wanted to be but never could on my own, and you know what that looks like?

It looks like grace.

Because the Only Way to God is God's Way

Stop! Listen to me a second. Some of you need to hear this because it can't totally change your day, your week, and your life.

God loves you, and He is for you, but He can't bless you if you choose to do things in opposition to Him. He cannot bless what goes against His nature, character, or laws. He will not bless manipulation, revenge, or cruelty. He will not bless sin. He will not bless you to keep sinning. If there is something in your life that takes you further from Him, He will not bless it. He may give you over to it if you are determined to have it, but that is not His blessing. That is His letting you have your way so you can see what a failure that road is.

If you are tired of living that life, if you are ready to be blessed, have peace, and find Him, turn to Him in repentance, meaning confessing that you've been doing it the wrong way and want to do it His way. Ask His forgiveness, which He grants with lavish generosity, and seek His heart and His way of doing things.

You don't have to try to fix your mess on your own. You don't have to try to escape the addiction on your own. You don't have to fill that hole caused by the failure of those who should have covered you and loved you on your own. He can and will fix it for you, but He will fix it HIS way, and He wants to start fixing it today, right now.

I'm praying for you today. If you want to know more or need personal prayer, let me know. God be with you.

When Who You Were and Who You Are Only Matters Because of Who He Is

Daddy,

Today I was reminded of how I've failed in the past, and I was asked how I plan to move forward. I thought I had, but obviously this person doesn't see it.

I am hurting beyond words, and once again I am fighting every voice that ever told me I wasn't good enough, perfect enough, godly enough, beautiful enough, thin enough, whatever enough. And the truth is, I'm not.

The truth is the list of my sins and failures is so long and so vast I could drown in them. Believe me, Daddy, no one knows more than me...or is more disgusted than me...at the list of how I have not been the Christian I profess to be.

And this person asked, "So how do you plan to move on from here?"

As though there and here is the same place, as though I were the same person.

And as much as I hate to admit it, this person is right. I'm the same person.

I'm the same person who hurts because life didn't work out the way I dreamed it would.
I'm the same person who fights through the fear and pain to stand in faith knowing your heart is for me and your plans are good.
I am the same person who sins because...I'm...someone who sins, and I'm the same person who has to forgive myself for not be perfect enough and not holding you in high enough regard to work harder to get it right or just choose what it right.
I'm the same person who absolutely hates getting it wrong and hurting you.
I am the same person who is ashamed of how unlike you I can be.
I'm still the same wife who wants to be perfect for her Husband and prays everyday to glorify you and every night prays for forgives for the ways I didn't.
I'm the same person who lies in my bed at night, thinks of how I made a fool of myself instead of loving like you do...and cries because really, am I ever going to get this right?
And I'm the same person who can't figure out how I can love you so much...and fail you so badly.

I'm the same person who knows I am still responsible for raising these two gifts to seek your perfection despite my imperfection.
I'm the same person who prays for you to do great things knowing how utterly not great I am...that in fact the only great thing about me is what you accomplish despite me.
I'm the same person who keeps snack bars and water bottles in my truck for people on the road knowing I can't fix their lives...but maybe for that moment instead of seeing how hard life is, they can see you.

I'm the same person who knows there is only way way to move on from anywhere, and that is you and believing you when you say there is grace for the worst of me and mercy for the ugly...and that somehow you don't see what I've done or who've I've been but choose to see who you created me to be and what I'm becoming, and, oh! God, I pray I am becoming like you.

And I'm the same person who knows...you are everything...and without you I am nothing.

You are all I have ever had. I've only had one way to move forward from anything, and that has always been...and still is...you.

I know this with all I am, and I pray that never changes.

When You Can Do Nothing But Heal--Part 1

They accused me of murder.

When all the tests results were in and the investigation finished, the final conclusion for his death was the first conclusion--massive heart attack resulting from blockage in the artery in the front of the heart often referred to as "The Widow Maker" because...it makes widows.

But to them, I wasn't his widow. I was his killer.

He had chosen to move out.
He had chosen to pursue divorce.
He had chosen to tell our kids God can fix anything...except our marriage.

But surely if I had not been too hard to live with....
...too demanding...
...too difficult...
...too unappreciative...
...too...to blame....
he would have never made those choices.

Yep. He was dead, and it was my fault.

And believe it or not, it got worse from there, but then, I had only been their daughter-in-law for 19 years. What can you expect? Right.

I was utterly stunned at how cruel they were and the horrific accusations they made.

That was two years ago.

In the two years since, they have asked to see the children, asked to talk to the children, asked about the children. Sometimes they ask about me. They have sent the children gifts, and even sent some to me. Whether they are being nice or being conniving, I don't know. Because of the horrible things they did and said, I assume the worse.

What they have not done in those two years is apologize.

There has been no mention of any of it, and if I even act like I am about to broach the subject, the conversation is abruptly ended. If there is remorse, no evidence of it has seeped into my world.

Still, the fact remains these are the grandparents of my children, and I want my children to have an option of a relationship with them, so I endeavor to keep a relationship with them.

Next week is Grandfather's birthday, and I must say, of all the grandparents (four total), he has been the most open to relationship. He initiates conversation, sent me a birthday card, and talks long. I've always enjoyed our conversations. He was a huge blessing after my dad died. He and Dad liked the same country music, and talking to him helped fill the Dad-size hole in my heart. But I confess, for him to make the accusations he made, for him to be as deceitful and he was, broke my heart in ways my words cannot express. The choices he made and the relationships he chose and abandoned had a devestating effect.

And he is not going to do anything to fix it.

None of them are.

There will be no apologies.
There will be no attempts to explain.
There will be no recognition of the pain they caused.

Ever.

And there is no way I can change that. In fact, there is nothing I can do about it at all...except heal.

Lent Day 13--Love is Patient

"Jerri, love is patient. You need to love yourself more."

Patience.

No clue what that really even means.

I pull out the dictionary.

Patient

 

bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.

 

Oh.

 

I think of the pastor's words: "People cannot forgive themselves because they are under the old covenant."

 

And I know he is wrong. People cannot forgive themselves because of the pain. Pain inflicted on the ones we love, on someone else, on ourselves.

 

My love evaporates in the presence of the pain...pain of failure, pain of shame, pain of consequence.

 

How am I to be patient when I am so good at inflicting pain?

 

Look at its synonyms.

 

It's hard to look at synonyms when all I see are the reasons to not be patient, but I breathe deep, ignore the wave of voices and shame and read...

 

Synonyms:

considerate, forgiving, gentle, merciful, mild, thoughtful, willing to endure, calm, enduring, even-tempered, forbearing, persistent, understanding, untiring

Forgiving.

How does one forgive the pain?

Understanding. Considerate.

I am trying to understand when Love speaks loud.

Love understands. Few people are malicious. Most simply don't know a better way, don't know their priceless value, don't know they have a right to be more than what they've always been.

Love considers the humanness of people, the fact they were created with a breaking point, and if things get bad enough, the imperfect will show through, but love understands that is necessary for people to see the perfection of my love.

Love forgives because it knows the people are imperfect, and when they are hurting, they hurt others, and everyone does it, and everyone wants to be released from the forever consequences of their moment of failure. Love looks at the possibilities, not the past.

Jerri, understand that you are not malicious, that you are learning your value, that you are learning better ways, that you are learning you don't have to be what you've always been.

Consider that you are human, and when you are imperfect, it makes you run to Me seeking my perfection to cover you, and I will never shame you for needing me.

Forgive yourself. Embrace the possibilities and quit flogging yourself with the past.

Love is patient, Jer. Be patient with yourself.

Yes.
Love is patient. It understands, considers, and forgives.
Be patient with yourself.

Like It or Not, It's True

I keep hearing people say it is time to stop doing the mamsy-pamsy Christian thing. We need to be blunt and real and call it like it is. I agree. So here is how it is.

Homosexuality is a sin.

How big is the sin of homosexuality?
It's as bad as having an abortion.

 How bad is THAT? It's bad. Really bad. In fact, it is SO bad that....

It is as bad as gossiping.
It is as bad as lying.
It is as bad as critical attitudes and slanderous talk.
It is as bad as being a heterosexual who is having sex outside of marriage.
It is as absolutely awful as judging other people for sins they commit because a person cannot see how to give grace due to the plank in their own eyes.

 Yeah. It's THAT bad.

 

Thank God His heart to forgive and His grace covers homosexuality and abortion...and that other really bad stuff as well.

The Best Time For Grace--From Ourselves

MizzBrizz over at Waking Up Me! left a great comment on my post "The Best Time for Grace" . In fact, it was so good I have to share it...because some of us need it...because some of us need grace...from ourselves.

"Sometimes we find it so hard to forgive ourselves. To let go of who we were or what we did that we build the bars and slap on the chains of our imprisonment. We ALLOW ourselves to be there. To punish ourselves for our transgressions. To live beat down thinking that will be payment for what we've done. We forget--or some do not yet know--that Jesus' blood washes it all away when we take it to the cross in confession and repentance for our fall, our sin."

Sharing PROFOUND

When our world changed so suddenly, a lot of "friends" suddenly disappeared. WonderGirl said it was as though they thought we had cooties and if they got too close, they could catch them.

A few months ago, our family had multiple conversations concerning homosexuality and how Christians act like homosexuals have cooties and if we get too close, we might catch them.

I'm a Christian. I adhere to the Word of God that says homosexuality is a sin.

I'm a sinner that prays for grace and mercy...and wants to be loved anyway.

Too often Christians forget that last part. We are so busy being Bible-advocates we forget to be Jesus-livers.*

Jesus wasn't afraid of cooties. Whether they be divorce cooties, orphan cooties, adulterous cooties, tax collector cooties...or homosexual cooties...whatever they were, He was all in. He loved passionately.

At our house, we are asking how to be Jesus-livers...how to be all in...love and all...or maybe that is love FOR all.

The following is a PROFOUND article by a pastor who learned to love...by being hated.

In my opinion, if you are a Christian, it's a must read.

If you are a homosexual, Jesus loves you, and that isn't my opinion. That is fact.

The Gay Community and that One Time Jesus Called Me the N-word.

*So you know...No. Not Jesus-lOvers. Jesus-lIvers. You know. Folks who LIVE like Jesus. Can't live like Him if you don't love like Him, and if you don't love like Him, then what exactly are you living? Yeah. Jesus-livers.

Because Sometimes I Look in the Mirror...and See a Prostitute

Jennifer over at Getting Down with Jesus is one of the places I like to visit. She speaks to where I live, and honestly, it is nice to have the company.

I wanted to share one of her recent posts that spoke right to my heart on the day it came through. It was one of those days when the failures were numerous, the memories relentless, and the need to be found overwhelming. It was one of those days when I looked in the mirror...and saw a prostitute.

If you ever have one of those days, you need to read Jennifer's post about The Day a Kid Asked Me about "That Prostitute."

Pressing On...and Forgetting What is Behind

Each day He gave it to me. Each day I read it. Each day it felt like sandpaper on the raw places, the sin places still dripping with shame.

Finally, I could stand it no longer.

"Lord, what am I supposed to get out of this? That I am forgiven. That You have forgotten. That..."

The words failed me.

With a presence so strong, I felt Him sit beside me and put His hand on my hunched back. He said simply, "Forgetting what is behind...press on..."

Forgetting what is behind...forgetting what is behind...

Forgetting...
Forgetting the sin.
Forgetting the failures.
Forgetting the bodies.
Fogetting...what I had wanted.
Forgetting...want to mean to someone...and not.

I press on...
Press on to His promises.
Press on to the book He said to write.
Press on the to be the influence He promised I would be.
Press on to life and all its hope.

And I press on...