I'm Trusting

I won't say I tangibly felt Him hold my hand or His presence sitting beside me, but as this momma sat in the rolling chair by the reclined dentist chair, holding my sedated son's hand, I knew He heard every prayer I didn't speak aloud. Prayers for his peace.

It's hard sometimes, this knowing He is there when He isn't visibly there and the demand to be anxious for nothing echoes through your mind while anxiety rattles through your body despite all the prayers and petitions you present before Him. But the wondrous thing about faith is that it isn't always beautiful, but He is always in it. I don't always handle things beautifully, but He is always faithful.

After the IV was in and it was time to do the surgery, I went back to the lobby and sat quietly and gave silent thanks.

Last time we were here, the surgery didn't happen. We left for home after anxiety left him on the floor of the bathroom. And I went home and cried a hard cry.

Honestly, today I may still do the same, not because it went badly but simply because it was.

Some days are hard. They just are, not because I don't think God is with me or for me but because watching my son battle anxiety attacks is hard. Wondering who is going to win the battle today is hard. Sometimes fighting the battle is hard.

On the way home from the oral surgeon's, my son's head kept falling to the side, so at a red  light I took a jacket and put it behind his head. As I was turning forward again, the light turned green. Evidently I didn't stomp on the gas fast enough because the lady behind me held down her horn to express her annoyance. I gave a one-finger wave to express mine. I probably called her something, too, but since she couldn't see my lips move, we'll maybe pretend it didn't actually happen.

Granted, not one of my most gracious moments, but the fact is I can be a warrior or I can be gracious. Being both at the same time really isn't my strong point.

So today I'm not really gracious, but I am trusting.

Trusting God to help with pain control. Trusting God for all to heal well. Trusting God to be gracious when I'm not.

That can be the hardest thing to trust for, can't it? For God to be beautifully God when we are kind of ugly human?

Today I'm trusting.

copyright 2016 Jerri L. Kelley