Is Healing Possible?

I have been asked if I think PTS is actually curable. Yes, I do, but there are key things required. Here is a list off the top of my head:

1. You have to own your part of the situation(s). I'm not saying take responsibility for someone else. I mean take responsibility for someone else.

2. You have to forgive yourself.

3. You have to forgive the party that inflicted the trauma.

4. You have to forgive the people involved in whatever conditioning or authority it took to put you in that place to begin with.

5. You have to quit blaming others. Stop being a victim. Something happened. Absolutely. But there is a different mindset in remaining a victim and saying, "Your actions don't have power over me."

6. Decide to take responsibility for your healing and work toward what a good life looks like to you. I don't just mean a nice house. I mean no panic attacks. I mean no trust issues. I mean all the mental and emotiona parts of a happy life. Choose them and work toward them.

7. Believe God is the ultimate word. This was the biggest thing in my healing and becoming whole. I decided from the get go that no person had the right to define me. Nothing they did defined me. Only the God who made me had the right to define me, and I would bow to no other words or actions but His, and He treats me GREAT and He loves me HUGE. THAT is where I live. That is what I own.

8. YOu won't ever be past trauma until you let God and the Spirit heal your soul. You cannot be whole apart from Him.

 

Trust me, I was not going to be a functional victim. That was not the "other side" for me. I am a whole person with absolute peace and confidance in God's plan and purpose for me. I know my value, and I am actively working with God to bring about His promises in my life. This is my other side I worked toward, and it was worth everything it took to get here.

 

Stay on the journey!

Jerri

Flashback Realities

A weird thing about trauma/grief:

 

I thought I knew what a flashback was until I really had one. It's not just a sudden memory. It's being totally submerged into an event that has taken place in such a way that you feel you are in it all over again and sensory perception of the moment you are in is totaly gone, and the worst part, you can't just force yourself out of it. Your mind either has to work through the event again, or there has to be some "crack" created in the event running in your head that your mind can step out of.

 

I'll be honest. Flashbacks scare me. I hate them. I have had two primary flashbacks that occur when triggered: sitting in the ER room looking at Rob's lifeless body on the table, hearing the sounds outside the door, and the morning my mom died.

 

Thankfully, it has been a while since I've had either of those, but in one of my NRA classes, I talked with two infantrymen who explained the other flashback, which I had experienced but didn't recognrize as a flashback.

 

The second flashback is also caused by a trigger, but instead of your mind recreating the entire event, it slams you with the emotions of the event. For them, they often felt a lot of anger after the horrors they saw in war. Their service dogs were specially trained to notice this and nudge them or do something to knock them out of the emotion loop.

 

When they explained this type of flashback, I totally understood.

 

Mom died on an autumn day, and I walked outside into the crisp air that was damp with dew and texted and called folks to let them know she was gone.

 

My flashbacks with mom always include that moment when I'm standing in her and my stepdad's yard making phone calls, and I've learned how to create the crack that lets me out of that and back into reality.

 

Now, I don't often have the full-blown flashbacks, but lands, there are times when I walk outside into that kind of weather, and the emotions of that moment hit me like a freight train out of nowhere. In an instant, I am sad and lonely and feel horrible loss, and tears are falling before I can even get my bearings.

 

Until I talked to the infantrymen, I had no idea these were also classified as flashbacks.

 

Why am I telling you about this?

 

First, because some of you know exactly what I am talking about with the flashbacks, even if you never tell anyone, and frankly, when it comes to stuff like that, it feels good to know someone else gets you.

 

Second, some of you need to understand what someone you love is experiencing especially when they are so stuck in that moment they can't explain it to you.

 

Third, because some of you experience that emotion flood and feel like something is horribly wrong with your ability to pull yourself together. Well, there isn't. It is normal. Best solution: talk and talk some more. Really, not everyone thinks you are silly or broken. Some think you are normal.

 

Finally, I feel like I'm in an emotional flashback loop right now, which is a rollercoaster of the emotional hell kind. I'm happy, loving life, and the right cool breeze hits, and I'm fighting tears and feeling sad and lonely and letting it all roll through. I'm fine. It's honestly just the weather, BUT I feel like I look horribly erratic. LOL Because I do, and some other folks probably feel erratic sometimes too and need to understand what is happening and give themselves grace. Y'all, I'm asking for some grace because this year is coming down hard.

 

Thank you for reading all the way through this. I hope it has helped someone. Yes, feel free to share it. It'll also be on my blog if you want to find it there.

 

Blessings to each of you.

I appreciate you and am glad you are here.

Jerri

--Jerri L. Kelley--

--www.jerrikelley.com--

Escaping Alcatraz

It's Sunday night, and I'm thinking about everything I didn't get done to prepare for what I have to do this week, and I'm looking at the next few weeks feeling like there is no way in the world I can get all this done, not even if it goes perfectly, and I have spent the last two days with tension-induced sinuses caused from trying to figure out how to get everything done.

And here is the God's honest truth--pride is a prison.

And I can walk into that cell, lock the door behind me, and toss the key out the window with the best of them.

Pride says I need to do it all, be it all, succeed at it all because if I don't....

People might think less of me.

It might take longer to reach the end.

Folks might think I'm a quitter, and I abhor that idea.

It means I took the easy way out, the coward's way out.

Did I mentionpride is like the Alcatraz of mental prisons?

But you know what humility says? It says...

Being human is just that. Human.

Being wise is not weakness. I can't do it all, so what is the most important?

Maybe I really are supposed to do it all. Maybe I need to find a better way through, not a way out?

Putting down something that doesnt' have to be done so I can do what has to be done well is not quitting. It's prioritizing.

The right thing to do isn't push harder but pull myself to a stop...and pray...and listen...and hear God. This road is His doing. He has the map and the list of supplies that are necessary and just a burden.

Psalm 32:8 says:

I will instruct you and teach you in teh way you should go;

I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.

Pride is concerned with how I look to others.

Humility is concerned with how closely I walk with HIm.

I'll be honest. I don't know what will stay or go or if I will just find a new way to do it all, but I can tell you what i won't do.

I won't let pride make that decision for me.

I will humble myself before the Lord that He may lift me up in HIs timing (James 4:10). I will seek His face, not others' approval. I will be still because in the stillness, He becomes clearly God (Psalm 46:10). I will trust HIm to teach me to order my days aright that I may gain a heart of wisdom (Psalm 90:12).

Instead of worrying about how I look to others, I will look to Him for peace.

I don't know what you have to do this week, but I pray in it you find Him and thus, find in Him, the way to handle all of it.

Stay on the journey.

Jerri

--Jerri L. Kelley--

--www.jerrikelley.com--

My Prayer to Make a Real Difference

This came up in my memory feed this morning from a page I don't work with anymore, don't have time. I still pray this, though, as a writer and a person, because when you are on top of the mountain or feeling fierce or walking on water, there are innumerable memes on FB to speak to that. There are untold quotes calling forth the warriors and the lionesses and the lions, but when you feel broken beyond words and you are battered beyond beliefa and the blood and bruises cover your body and all you can do is kneel in the mud of your life and hope the King comes soon because without Him, you are never getting out....and the vicoes tell you to pray harder, believe more, read the Bible longer, or just do something else...there needs to be a voice that says, "Yeah, I've been in your hell. I've been face down on the battlefield shocked at how much I could hurt and still breathe. I know what it is like to see the impossible all around you when you can't get to your knees, little less to the victory line. I know where you are, and I'm here to tell you, it is not hopeless. I am here to remind you to breathe. I am here to remind you that God is still restoring lives and still working the impossible and still shattering dark with blazing light and still showing up when you least deserve it and still loving you and believing in you when you can't believe how hard you've fallen or how faithless you feel. The King has not forgotten you. Don't give up on the King."

 

I pray to God to be that voice.

 

My prayer from two years ago...

 

Dear God,

Give me the courage to be real.

To be real about my heart.

To be real about the hard.

To be real about the victories.

To be real when I'm on my knees, bleeding wondering when you are going to save the day.

To be real when the answer comes that could only be from your hand because it would be impossible otherwise.

To be real with my questions.

To be real about what I know.

To be real in my faith.

To really live with fierce passion for you.

 

--Jerri L. Kelley--

My Pondering Place: What is Hate?

This morning while I was walking, I was thinking about the question:

Do you hate anyone?

 

With some of the situations people I listen to are in, it is a fair question, and I thought I knew the answer, but I didn't.

 

In my mind, hate meant I wanted someone tortured and treated cruelly and I wanted them to go to hell for eternity. You know, HATE.

 

Suddenly, in jarring clarity, I heard a Voice, not my own, say,

 

"Hate is when you don't love someone.

Hate is the absense of Love."

 

Think about that for a moment.

 

Let it sink in.

If love is working through an argument with someone, is the silence of staying angry or not trying to build the relationship...hate?

If speaking encouragement and life into our kids and responding to them with hugs and assuring pats on the back is love, is withholding kind words and a soft touch...hate?

 

If helping a tired spouse get the have to do list done is love, is ignoring their fatigue...hate?

 

If giving encouragement and prayer to our leaders is love, is withholding encouragement and prayers, even if we don't bash them...hate?

 

Maybe hate isn't a monstrous ferocious beast that carries a torch and screams or throws rocks or bombs. Maybe it is something far more subtle...like simply not being kind when we can, not being encouraging, not giving another car some room to get in when the lane is ending, not giving an appropriate tip at a restaurant, not taking a child's hurt feelings seriously, not listening to our spouse's day, not telling our leaders we appreciate them, not being a light in whatever way we can when teh world gets dark for someone.

 

If hate is the absence of love, then is not choosing to respond with love, even small acts of it, choosing to let hate have room to plant seeds and destroy our relationships, families, communities, and nations?

 

My pondering place today...

 

--Jerri L. Kelley--

When Heaven Invades Home Depot Space

Gotta tell you about the cool happening this morning.

 

Last week I told you how I prayed for the Lord to give me strength in my knee so I could get back on the road and get ready for the 10k in November, and He did. In fact, I have only had one mild episode with my knee since then.

 

This morning I was so tired when I had to go back to Home Depot for another 10 bags of sand. I had already emptied 15 bags and smoothed them and laid over half the pavers, and I was tired.

 

So I'm in Home Depot, and the helper crew was busy, so I started loading the 60-pound bags of sand, which is not the same as bench pressing 60 pounds. Bench press is easier. Sand is like a limb body in a slick sleeping bag. I had loaded 8 of them and was pulling the other two, and I honestly prayed, "Lord, I need help." Seconds later, I hear, "Ma'am, how many more do you need?" A man was reaching in to get my other two bags for me. I told him. He loaded them. I blessed him in Jesus' name, and he went on. So did I.

 

I checked out and waited and waited for a HD person to load the bags for me. Finally, I told the cashier I was going to see if I could load them, but if anyone came, PLEASE send him to my truck.

 

I got to the truck and prayed for the Lord to give me strength to load 600 pounds of sand. I got 4 bags in, and I really had no idea how I was giong to get the other 6 bags, but God is faithful, right?

 

Then a truck stops, blocking the drive area, and out gets that same man. I just said, "You are my hero today." He said, "No. I am your blessing today."

 

Y'all...speechless...I told him I had waited but finally gave up, and he said, "That is because you were waiting for me."

 

And he loaded the other 6 bags, shook my hand, BLESSED ME in Jesus' name (like he hadn't already blessed me?!), and thanked me for letting him help!!!

 

Isn't God amazing how sometimes He puts strength into your body and sometimes He brings somebody else to share their strength?

 

Yeah...this daughter is feeling the wonder of her Daddy today.

 

 

How Did God and I Become So Intimate? Conversations like This.

Over the years, especially the last few years, people have asked me how God and I developed the intimacy we have and how He became my best friend. It is a lot of things. One of the biggest is honest communication, not just the angry spewing or aresenal of painful questions most folks think about when they think of "real" or "honest", but talking to Him like He is my husband sitting with me on the bed or across the table or on the deck, and we talk with the knowing that whatever we're in, we are trying to find each other in it. Sometimes I can't find Him, but He is always trying to find me, too, so with the understanding that the goal is to find each other, we talk. I feel like He would like for me to share some of tonight's talk from my journal so people know what I mean. I hope it blesses you.

Jerri

 

Dear God,

I won't pretend to understand the last month. I won't pretend to understand today. And I'm not even gonna ask. What I am going to ask is for your grace while I am walking through the trials. I know they build character, and I know I need that. I"m good with that, like really peaceful good with that, but since you are the noly husband I have and the only best friend I have and the only one to talk to at 10 o'clock at night so I know how to handle today's stuff tomorrow, I'm just going to tell you the tears don't mean I don't trust you or that I'm angry. They just mean I'm tired. I am mentally so tired. I know. It'll all get done, and the ongoing issues with...everything...will either get fixed or not. And i know a few years from now, I won't remember tonight. I'll just see some amazing way you handled it better than I can imagine. And I'm really trying to hold onto that. The better than I can dream or imagine. Because right now, that isn't how things look. But I know. Circumstances don't define you. You define circumstances. And problems aren't problems for you. They are just a way for you to show powerful love. I do know this. I really do. And sometimes I just need to write you a letter and tell you all this because I need to read it. :-) I need to be aware again that the goal really isn't about the circumstance or handling trials perfectly to impress you, but the goal is to find each other and hold on. Thank you for holding on when I get lost until I find you. I love you.