Giving Up--Part 1

I am not Catholic. I've never celebrated Lent. I never even think about Lent.

Until today.

A few different friends mentioned celebrating Lent, and I felt it. That spirit leap that whispers, "Oooo!! Pick me! I want to celebrate Lent!"

Okay. Hard cold fact. I don't want to celebrate Lent. Lent is miserable. It's about dying to self and self-discipline and self-denial and...I've given up a lot in the last few years, and I don't want to give up anything else. And good grief. What else does God want anyway?

There. I said it. I don't want to give up anything else.

And, yes, I am fully aware that none of it is mine anyway, and I am heart-shudder deep in the knowledge He has every right to ask for everything because that is exactly what He has given to me and for me, and who am I to withhold anything from Someone who gave everything?

And somewhere in this giving and dying and denial and misery that I know is coming...I feel excitement. How does one get excited about being miserable and realizing how little I really have to give anyway or how bad I am at giving it? Because I am bad at giving it.

Frankly, I'm really tired of being all too aware of how everything I'm not and how totally incapable of being anything other than "not" I am. Do I really need to know how much more I'm not? Do I really need to know how truly wretched I am? Am I not aware enough when I look in the mirror or when I have to repent for that statement I made about the lack of intelligence of the driver that annoyed me? Am I not aware enough when I hear my words come from my children's mouths in the same tone they came from mine and I wonder if mine grate on their hearts as much as theirs grates on mine?

Really. Am I not aware enough?

But I feel it. That excitement. And I hear it. That piece of me all giddy tugging on my thoughts saying, "I want to celebrate Lent. I want to give up!"

I stop.

I want to give up.

Yes. I want to give up.

I want to give up trying to be enough.
I want to give up doing my best only to feel like a failure.
I want to give up the self-loathing that comes from knowing how absolutely "not enough" I am.
I want to give up lying in bed at the end of the day and replaying every...single...thing...I...did...wrong.
I want to give up...

I just want to give up.

How do I even start Lent when it hasn't started but I already want to give up?

I start where I want to end...with Him.