Giving Up--Part 2

I'm not a masochist. I don't believe in setting myself up for failure...because I know just what a failure I am.

Yet, I am entertaining the idea of Lent. In fact, I'm excited about the idea of Lent...and I think I am stupid. But I'm a junky, and I like excitement, so I'm in.

Still, I wonder: how do I start Lent when I already feel like giving up? When, honestly, there are so many things I want to give up? What do I do when I already know what a wretched failure I am and it is the always feeling like a failure that I want to give up?

I have no idea, so I do all I know to do. I start where I want to finish. I start with God.

I slipped into one of our favorite meeting places and find a place on the floor. Not hard to do in my bedroom, and we talk.

"I'm afraid to do this," I confess. "I'm afraid of feeling like a bigger failure. I'm afraid my failure will tell you I don't love you. I'm afraid...of being the me I am every day, the me that tells you how much I love you, and then does something stupid that shows I don't. But, I believe this is what you want. I believe this is of you, and I want to be obedient."

I take a deep breath and say, "This is all about you, so tell me: what do you want me to do? How do I honor you? What do you want to die so you can live in me more?"

I feel Him scoot close, lean against the wall with me, knees pulled up like mine. Then He leans close and whispers in my ear, "I want you to give up everything you feel you have to do for me."

I am silent.

"I want you to give up everything you feel you have to do for me and do what brings you pleasure."

I am confused. This is not Lent. Lent is supposed to be preparing the heart for the gift of sacrifice. Lent is preparing the soul to receive the life. Lent is remembering what a perfect Christ did on a cross for this imperfect Jerri. This is not Lent!

"I want you to give up what you feel you have to do for me because I want you to know my pleasure is not in what you do but in who you are. I do not love your actions. I love you. I want you to give up trying to earn that love. I want you to simply accept it from me. This is what I want. I want you to stop doing things for me and enjoy being loved by me."

"But Lent..."

"Is preparing the heart..."

"For the sacrifice of your Son."

"For the love that put Him there."

I am trying to understand what I am hearing when He whispers ludicrous.

"Jerri, I want you to give up everything that says I don't love you wholly, right now, as you are. I want you to give up everything that keeps you from enjoying how much I enjoy you."

Isn't that Lent? The giving up of anything that keeps me from His everything?

And I undone...and I give up.