Today I was reminded of how I've failed in the past, and I was asked how I plan to move forward. I thought I had, but obviously this person doesn't see it.
I am hurting beyond words, and once again I am fighting every voice that ever told me I wasn't good enough, perfect enough, godly enough, beautiful enough, thin enough, whatever enough. And the truth is, I'm not.
The truth is the list of my sins and failures is so long and so vast I could drown in them. Believe me, Daddy, no one knows more than me...or is more disgusted than me...at the list of how I have not been the Christian I profess to be.
And this person asked, "So how do you plan to move on from here?"
As though there and here is the same place, as though I were the same person.
And as much as I hate to admit it, this person is right. I'm the same person.
I'm the same person who hurts because life didn't work out the way I dreamed it would.
I'm the same person who fights through the fear and pain to stand in faith knowing your heart is for me and your plans are good.
I am the same person who sins because...I'm...someone who sins, and I'm the same person who has to forgive myself for not be perfect enough and not holding you in high enough regard to work harder to get it right or just choose what it right.
I'm the same person who absolutely hates getting it wrong and hurting you.
I am the same person who is ashamed of how unlike you I can be.
I'm still the same wife who wants to be perfect for her Husband and prays everyday to glorify you and every night prays for forgives for the ways I didn't.
I'm the same person who lies in my bed at night, thinks of how I made a fool of myself instead of loving like you do...and cries because really, am I ever going to get this right?
And I'm the same person who can't figure out how I can love you so much...and fail you so badly.
I'm the same person who knows I am still responsible for raising these two gifts to seek your perfection despite my imperfection.
I'm the same person who prays for you to do great things knowing how utterly not great I am...that in fact the only great thing about me is what you accomplish despite me.
I'm the same person who keeps snack bars and water bottles in my truck for people on the road knowing I can't fix their lives...but maybe for that moment instead of seeing how hard life is, they can see you.
I'm the same person who knows there is only way way to move on from anywhere, and that is you and believing you when you say there is grace for the worst of me and mercy for the ugly...and that somehow you don't see what I've done or who've I've been but choose to see who you created me to be and what I'm becoming, and, oh! God, I pray I am becoming like you.
And I'm the same person who knows...you are everything...and without you I am nothing.
You are all I have ever had. I've only had one way to move forward from anything, and that has always been...and still is...you.
I know this with all I am, and I pray that never changes.