Just missing him.
Every time I missed him I told the Lord about it, told Him what I missed. He listened. He didn't talk much actually. He just listened...and I told Him everything.
And somewhere in the missing and the crying and the telling Him, I was suddenly okay.
I cannot explain it. I won't try.
I only know that I really was okay.
I had reached the other side that I have desired for so long. I was out of the fog.
I wasn't delusional. I didn't think life was suddenly hunky dory, but my heart wasn't in torment anymore. My mind was no longer trying to play policeman over my heart or spirit.
I was no longer at war with myself.
I really was okay.
This week the children and I took a short trip. We had no agenda except to not be home. We decided to do what we wanted to do when we wanted to do it. Not our normal trip, but they decided it was "the best trip ever".
On the first day of the trip, I wasn't excited like I thought I would be. In fact, I was only doing the trip because I had told the kids we would. For whatever reason, I was melancholy laced with on-the-verge-of-tears.
In the past, I would have tried to suck it up and push through anyway, forcing myself to be happy and excited because that is what I was supposed to do. I would have driven myself crazy analyzing what had happened that had made me sad and figured out what I needed to do to avoid it next time. I would have tried everything in my arsenal to "fix" it so I had the "right" feelings.
This time, though, I pulled out my phone and sent a text to several friends. I told them the emotional soup I was in, that I didn't know why, but really wanted this trip to go great. Would they pray?
My friend Leanna summed it up perfectly. "Sad days happen. Praying it is good anyway."
Sad days happen. Praying it is good anyway.
But it can be good anyway.
And somehow...through ways I cannot explain...God took--takes--all that stuff that hurts and is hard and makes it okay...
...And somehow He takes the Here that looks nothing like I wanted it to be and turns it into exactly what I want it to be...
...And He leaves me humbled and loved...and overcome by His ways of transforming the ugly truth into beautiful Him...
...And that is what happened.