Thankful 42--Because Today Hurt

I woke up this morning, wrote a blog, prayed for folks, wrote some notes, took care of some writing stuff God told me to address, and chose to "leap into the next adventure", per God's words.

And the next thing I knew I was the target of significant enemy fire. I won't go into all the details, but it was so personal and so clearly a targeted offensive that a song I had just told someone earlier today still rips at my heart came on while I was sitting at dinner with my children. I haven't heard the song on the radio in MONTHS, maybe since before Christmas, and today, I mention the flood of memories and hurt it creates, and BAM! There it is on the radio in a public place where I can't change the channel, and the other hits were just as personal, just as deep, and just as hard.

I stood in front of God and said, "I just told these people not to quit, and I want to. If I had a place to turn in my resignation letter, I would. I'm tired. This has been one helluva a long hard ride. I'm going to bed."

And I did.

Two hours later, I woke up, and to tell you the truth, I feel battered and sore. Physically I even ache.

"Okay, God, talk to me. I'm not a quitter, and I refuse to just keep taking hits, so give me something. How do I stand in the midst of this assault?"

As I was praying, I received an email asking about my daughter's doctor's appointment.

"Doozy of a headcold, bronchitis closing up her chest. Breathing treatments, nasal spray steroid, antihistamine, decongestant, ibuprofen, water, steam showers, and the usual. As for Friday's audition--"

I stopped. Another missile hit. One audition since my mom died in October, and she has to be sick for this one? Really?

I went back into the message and typed in, "Thankfully, the earache is pressure not infection."

Thankfully....

Thankfully.

Thankfully...

1009. We are able to see a doctor when we need to.

1010. We have clean water for her to drink.

1011.  I know God is bigger than this.

1012. God hears my pleas and never says I am stupid for not seeing the obvious answer...of giving thanks.

1013.  Medical readily available to us.

1014. Long sleeps that are much needed.

1015. Geometry help. (Dear God, when I have to repent for hatred, does that include hatred for geometry? If so, I may really have a problem.)

1016. Finding SIX (not four!) years of pictures.

1017. Help with electronics when I get overwhelmed.

1018. Anna's funky hair color.

1019. Other people who have trigger music, too, and understand how one can go from fine to an emotional heap in just four notes of the wrong song

1020. A way groovy foreman on the crew working on our road

1021. That my truck did not just sit stuck in the mud this morning but by God's grace slid to the "solid" spot and could get traction to go out the other way (deep spiritual truth in that, Lord)

1022. A place to retaliate, to stand against the assault, to refuse to quit

1023. For emails from MaryB that are exact words from God. I read the email and thought, "Wonder if God pipes." He answered, every time Mary does, I'm right with her either playing along or just listening tapping my toe. It's good stuff." Yes, it is.

1024. The precious folks who ask, "How did it go?" because they have been waiting and really want to know. I love you more than I have words to say.

1025.  FOR EVERYONE WHO DID NOT QUIT TODAY

Indeed, God in heaven...thankfully....

Gratitude 41--Thankful Again

"Is this ever going to get better?"

It's a question I've asked dozens of times in the last year. Once again yesterday morning the words tumbled from my mouth. It had been a rough two weeks when getting on top of the pain and confusion had taken more effort than usual and the "ups" weren't nearly as up as I had hoped, and they had not lasted very long.

I stared at Ann Voskamp's book on my coffee table. One Thousand Gifts. I had not made it to a thousand, and I couldn't remember when I had blogged about my gratitidue. In the last six months there had been so much pain and loss, and my gratitude was over such insignificant things such as hitting the green light when I was running later than I had intended or thanking God that dishes left in the sink did not make the world come to a halt. Petty things. Nobody really wanted to hear those.

But, they were my life preservers. They were the things that kept my head above water when I felt like everything else was caving down. They were...important to me.

The house got to hopping, and the thoughts were lost.

This morning I woke up to an email from a precious new friend a world away.

Hi Jerri

I woke up this morning thinking about you and God gave me a picture.  So, here goes:  I woke up and started praying for you and God gave me a picture of Paul and Silas in prison.  Although the bible doesn't fill the story out you could imagine them thinking about the unfairness of it and wondering why?  how?  where is God in this?  But the bible doesn't say that. It says that they sang praises to God and miraculously the prison door burst open and they were set free.  

I feel God is saying you are in a prison of emotional hurt and pain brought on by all you have been going through.   He wants you to sing praise to Him and not ask why? What have I done to deserve this?  how long?  where is all the support?  He wants you to praise Him and HE will miraculously break open that prison door.  It doesn't say in the bible how long they were in prison before the doors broke open.  Thats the tough bit.  Its also not a logical solution according to the world.  But in faith, Jerri, despite what you feel, by an act of your will, start doing it, even if you don't feel like it.

 Praise Him. 

Confirmation from a world away.

And a reminder...and a love note.

"Jerri, I so want you out of this dark place that I am telling you again. The key is praise. I'm not condemning you for forgetting. I know the darkness can obscure the light, so I'm sending the answer again because I want you free. I want you out of the prison. I'm fighting for you...reaching out to you...in this with you."

Wow.  

I considered the prison I had been in, the one I struggled with for 19 years, and the key God was giving me out, the powerful message He was sending, not just for the struggle of the last two weeks but the truth of a lifetime.

An hour later my friend Lisa sent me an email telling me what the Lord spoke to her when she prayed for me yesterday.

"I keep thinking about Paul and Silas..."

I laughed out loud.

"Jerri, do you get how much I am reaching in or how much I want to get you out? Grab hold of me. I am the answer."

I get it, Lord.

Thank you...for reaching in...for not letting go...for being here...now...with me...

And thank you for...

961. Anna's creativity--the newly decorated guest room is stunning

962. The ability to paint and redo the guest room

963.  Robert's piano playing....my word...

964. Tracy...a world away but so close to Your heart whose courage to share Your word with me blesses me more than words can say

965. 111

966. Sweet texts that give me a smile...especially right before I go to sleep

967.  Brian Hearn, who always sees the anointed side of me

968.  Painting with a Twist

969. Vanesa Stenberg...I could write a novel

970. A good night's sleep

971.  Scott helping with the ceiling fan

972.  Rae and her huge heart

973. Facebook

974. Tina Cox and the others at my insurance company

975. Val Roach, who sees and understands and has incredible patience

976.  Lisa Buffaloe, who calls from Idaho because she can't sit with me here

977. Snipers

978. Amelia the Brave, who likes the same things I do

979. Morning moments with Robert

980. Mowing yards

981. Karaoke

982. Forney Fire Department

983. Forney Wallgreens

984. The Cavalry

985. A new book

986. Confirmation

987. Giving thanks

988. Ann Voskamp

989. Coffee with sugar

990. Sharilyn reminding me that healing is in progress, stay on the trail

991. Wendy and friend love. Really.

992. John--NP0s, C-collars, non-rebreather masks, and re-inflating my ego

993. Anna's signature--"Singer, Actress, and All Around People Lover (That means YOU)"

994. Danny and Paige Granberry and the light being on for us

995. LDS church teaching people to serve and being the feet and hands of Jesus...even to those not in their church

996. Men's groups who trim limbs and fix floors

997. A REALLY GREAT DAY

998. Lori Moore and her prophetic encouragement

999. Being a blessing

1000. Being "a saint"

1001. Kenneth and Joy Jordan

1002. Texts from Kenneth
Me: We had a really great day.
Kenneth: *clinches fist with arm outstretched then pulls to his side* YESSS!

1003. Temperatures in the 60s

1004. Learning the in the hard places

1005. A good van

1006. Text messaging

1007. Emails from all over the world

1008.  Infinite gifts

And thank you for sharing and rejoicing with me.

Blessings to you as you enjoy YOUR gifts.

Right Now

Tomorrow is Christmas Day. Promises of desired goodies will be piled high under the tree. The aroma of turkey, ham, and the fixin's will fill the house. Laughter and squeals of joy will ring through the rooms. It's going to be a wonderful day...tomorrow.

Right now, the floors need swept and mopped. The bathroom counter needs wiped down, and the mirror needs the smudges removed. Papers and magazines need to find homes, either in baskets or the recycle bin. Ingredients sit on the table waiting to be made into something mouthwatering. And, as usual, a few gifts remain in need of wrapping. Yes, I still have a to do list...right now.

But tomorrow... Tomorrow the waiting is over. Dreams come to life. Fulfillment pours from boxes, and rejoicing is abundant.

Tomorrow...dishes will fill the sink...and sit stacked on the counter. The refrigerator will have to be rearranged to hold the leftovers we don't want to spoil. Ripped wrapping paper and boxes will lie like carnage in heaps around the room. Recycle bins will overflow.

But right now those things don't matter. They are easily hidden in the shadow of the promised joy seen in the eyes of those I love and in the boxes under the tree. Right now I am lost in the promises of tomorrow, escaping the dreary demands of today.

And in the dreaming of tomorrow, it is easy to miss the blessings of Right Now.

Right now my daughter is laughing while she helps her dad wrap presents. My son is playing with his new Lego set he received in the mail today. The sky is dropping fat snow flakes.

Right now Anna is twelve and loves to cook with me. Robert is nine and wants all of us to play. Games are waiting to be played. Pieces of wood are ready to try a new form of art. Cocoa is ready to be enjoyed, and we have plans to watch a movie curled up together.

Right now I am sitting in my warm home, with my warm socks, and my hot coffee. Light streams through the window, and when I look out, I see the sky filled with clouds pregnant with enough snow to cover the ground. This is no small thing in Texas.

Right now the world is a wondrous place filled with God's blessings. I am overwhelmed with His goodness and gifts. My imperfect life with all its demands and needs abounds with fulfilled promises and evidence of His love. In this moment, I have all I need, and that is enough, and I choose to enjoy it...Right Now.

Copyright 2009 Jerri Phillips