To Climb the Tree or To Not Climb the Tree. When that is the Question...

I told you earlier this week that we studied Zacchaeus in RCIA class' lectio divina. I can't really explain what lectio divina is. I thought it was like when Protestants read a passage, pray for the Holy Spirit to reveal the truth the Lord wants that specific person to hear, and the person meditates on that passage until the Lord speaks. However, I was told I was wrong, so no clue what it really is in the Catholic realm, but, I did the Protestant thing.

Anyway, in class we had a good discussion. Okay, it was pretty predictable, actually. It was about judgment of others, Zacchaeus' willing to look stupid to see Christ, salvation, Jesus knowing Zacchaeus' name when He walked up to the tree. Pretty predictable. At least it was until I shared my part.

Like I shared with you earlier this week, the Lord spoke to me about how people only find their value in Him, and once they realize their value in Him, the things that used to be their definers aren't important anymore.

But for me there was something else.

A question.

Every time I read this passage and prayed for the Lord to speak, I heard simply,

"Would you have climbed the tree?"

In case you don't know, the religiously correct answer is, "Yes, I would have definitely climbed that tree to see Jesus." I am rarely, if ever, accused of being religiously correct, and I answered honestly.

"No, I would not have climbed the tree. Not today. Because today, it feels like it doesn't matter if I climb a tree or not. If you want to find me, you'll find me. If you don't, you won't. Being in a tree or not being in a tree won't matter."

In fact, on that particular day, nothing seemed to matter.

Now, I realize none of the rest of you ever, EVER feel that way.
None of you ever feel like the desires of your heart don't matter.
None of you ever feel like your prayers haven't made a difference up till now and they won't make a difference now.
None of the rest of you have ever looked at the altar at the front of your church or the prayer ministers waiting to pray with you or heard someone ask how they can pray for you and thought, "It doesn't matter. Climbing that tree won't make a difference, so why bother."

But just in case one of you might have possibly known someone who could have had that thought once, let me share some things I'm doing that is helping me win the war of the tree.

First, I confessed. I confessed to God that I was mad at Him. I know. You are probably mortified and thinking I have no right to be mad at God. No. I don't, but I was. I was mad that He has made promises that He has confirmed repeatedly, promises that I want so badly, that have not come to pass. Years have passed, and they haven't come to pass, and I was angry.

Second, I quit comparing myself to Abraham. Seriously. Yes, Abraham waited a long time for Isaac, but in the meantime, he had Ishmael. I used to look at that and wonder how in the world someone who had a clear word from God could be so stupid. I now know. He wasn't stupid. He was empty. He and Sarah both were empty, and they found a road to fulfillment that could rationalize and ran hard and fast down it. The Bible never says that Abraham was mad at God, and we know he believed God and God credited that to him as righteousness, but Abraham got tired. When he got tired, the empty pulled him in. None of us are perfect.

Third, I have been praying specifically for strength in my mind, heart, soul, and body to climb the tree. We are told to serve the Lord our God with all our heart, with all our soul, with all our mind, and with all our strength. Obviously I'm missing at least one of those, so I confessed that, too, and asked the Lord to meet me in my weakness and be strong in and through me. I pray this every morning.

Fourth, I pray for the Lord to tell me what "tree" I need to climb to see Him. Here is what I mean. Zacchaeus climbed the tree because he couldn't see Jesus from where he was. I have been praying for God to show me exactly what I need to do to get from where I am where I don't or can's see Jesus to the point where I can see Jesus. Believe it or not, the answer is primarily prayer time. The very thing I told God seemed to make no difference in whether I see Jesus is making a huge difference in how I feel about climbing the tree.

Fifth, I pulled out my prayer cards again. I have maybe 100 prayer cards with verses that I pray and meditate on. Not all of them in one sitting, but right now, I have 30 or so cards I read every morning and pray from the scripture on them. For instance, one of the cards is about Blind Barnabus who was on the side of the road and Jesus went by. When Barnabus heard it was Christ, he started yelling, "Son of David, have mercy on me." Jesus called him to Him, and Barnabus threw off his cloak and went to Jesus. When Jesus asked what he wanted, Barnabus asked for his sight, and Jesus gave it to him. When that card comes up, I pray that:

• The Lord would show me places I am blind to Him and the way I could help others.
• I would throw off any thing, like a beggar's robe, that might keep me where I am instead of being healed from anything He desires to change in me for His glory
• I would never be embarrassed to call on Him even when everyone was looking, pointing fingers, and thinking I was totally unworthy of His gifts, blessings, and kindness
• I would be bold in calling out to Him what I need.

Why the prayer cards? Because I have covenanted with God to pray them everyday no matter how I feel. That does not make them a ritual. Only a hard, cold heart makes prayer a ritual. They are my discipline. Discipline means to train someone for the purpose of becoming something. This prayer routine trains me to pray with faith despite emotion or circumstance. It is training my mind to think in faith, not in what my human eyes see.

Finally, well, it's more what God does than what I do, but when I get frustrated and say, "It doesn't matter," He responds with, "How can you ever say you don't matter to me?" And honestly, His tone is not all compassion and warm fuzzies, and it shouldn't be. He has a right to be offended by the accusation that I don't matter to Him, that He has a heart of stone toward me, that He could ever not find me important. That really is what that statement is saying. "I don't matter to you. Our relationship doesn't matter to you. You keeping your word and being faithful to your word doesn't matter to you. My empty place that aches doesn't matter...because you are a bad Father." Let's be real here. When we tell God we don't matter, we are telling Him He is a bad Father. Only a heartless, bad father doesn't care about His children. Only a self-centered father doesn't think his children are important. That is not our God.

So when He corrects me and asks, "How can you ever say you don't matter to me?", I stop and say, "Of course I matter. Of course I am important to you." I don't say these things in lip service. I say them with conviction, and I meditate on the truth of them. I let them soak deep into me. I let my mind be transformed and my thinking changed. I start thinking like He does. I'm important. I matter.

Is all of that making a difference?

This morning I had a few things for which I had prayed for specific outcomes, and the exact opposite occurred. So I got my coffee and a blanket, went outside to the rocking chair on the deck and said, "I choose to climb the ladder anyway. Lord, show me how."

The most wildly beautiful part in all this: I told God it didn't matter if I climbed the ladder or not. If He wanted to find me, He would...and He did...because I really do matter.

May you find Him...when you climb the tree...and especially when you are so weary that you can't climb the tree, may He find you.

Shalom.

Valuable Enough to be Found

In our Bible study class this week we are looking at the story of Zacchaeus.

Here is the story for those who don't know it.

Luke 19
Then Jesus entered and passed through Jericho. ² Now behold, there was a man named Zacchaeus who was a chief tax collector, and he was rich. ³ And he sought to see who Jesus was, but could not because of the crowd, for he was of short stature. ⁴ So he ran ahead and climbed up into a sycamore tree to see Him, for He was going to pass that way. ⁵ And when Jesus came to the place, He looked up and saw him,^[a] and said to him, “Zacchaeus, make haste and come down, for today I must stay at your house.” ⁶ So he made haste and came down, and received Him joyfully. ⁷ But when they saw it, they all complained, saying, “He has gone to be a guest with a man who is a sinner.”
⁸ Then Zacchaeus stood and said to the Lord, “Look, Lord, I give half of my goods to the poor; and if I have taken anything from anyone by false accusation, I restore fourfold.”
⁹ And Jesus said to him, “Today salvation has come to this house, because he also is a son of Abraham; ¹⁰ for the Son of Man has come to seek and to save that which was lost.”

I've read this story since I was a little kid. I can still sing the song. I know this story. It's not complicated. Jesus, who has become THE celebrity is coming into town, and this short tax collector who is shunned by everyone and hated because he is a tax collector climbs a tree to see Jesus. Jesus walks right up to the tree and tells Zacchaeus to come down because He plans to have dinner with him that night. The short legal thief does what he is told. Jesus goes home with him, and Zacchaeus proclaims that he is giving away a bunch of money as a result. Jesus declares salvation to Zacchaeus as a result.

Simple story. Except it is so simple it gets tripped over.

I was taught that Zaccharus gets granted salvation because he proved his sincerity to Christ. No. If Jesus only declared Zacchaeus saved because he gave away money to prove his sincerity, then that would be earning his salvation. That isn't how Christ works. And honestly, that kind of sensationalism isn't going to last because that is based on the euphoria of the moment. Jesus would have known Zacchaeus' heart and would never have declared salvation to a dram king. So something else had to have happened.

The key isn't what Zacchaeus did. It's why he did it.

See, there is this tax collector who has economic power. He can add fees to the taxes collected. He can be cruel in the ways he enforces tax collection. He can be as ruthless and heartless as they come, and for some people, that power defines them. It means they are valuable. They are valuable because of the power over people, and they are valuable because of the money they can make from it. This guy has position, power, and money...and no real life. The Romans don't care for him. He is only a pion. The Jews hate him. And where does that really leave him? Up in a tree...with only the hope of a glimpse of true celebrity because there is no way a religious celebrity was going to pay any attention to him.

Except He did.

Can you imagine being Zacchaeus up in that tree searching for just the head of the celebrity you are waiting for when you see this massive crowded moving in some way as those it is water crashing upon the bottom of the tree where you are, and suddenly, there at the base of the tree a face looks up at you. THE face looks up at you and says, "Hey, come down and let's go have dinner at your place."

In other words, "I've come to this point just to see you, and I know no one else would be caught dead in your presence or in your house unless they need something from you, but I've come because you need something from Me."

What Jesus was really saying, "You are valuable to me. In fact, you are so valuable to me, I'll risk being a celebrity and being on the front page of every gossip magazine just to be with you."

I don't think Zacchaeus responded by saying, "Lord, look! I'm so different that I'm going to do all this good stuff. Aren't you impressed?" I don't think it was a haughty man who spoke to Jesus. I think it was a humbled one who said, "Lord, Lord, I get it. I give half of everything I own to people who need it because they are valuable. I will make recompense for how I have cheated people because relationship is more important than gold. I get that I'm valuable, not because of what I own, but because of You. I'm valuable because You chose me."

And did you notice that Zacchaeus wasn't offended when Jesus said He had come to seek and save the lost? A proud person would look at themselves and be sorry they had to be found or saved, and honestly, I don't think they would be saved because they are not humble to receive the truth that they cannot fix themselves. However, when a person realizes their only value is in the value placed on them by Christ, they realize that being sought and found is a declaration of value. It is a clear demonstration of how loved they are.

God so loved--so valued--the world that He gave His only Son that whoever should believe in Him--not their own ability to be good or holy--should not perish but have everlasting life.

When Zacchaeus climbed that tree, maybe he was looking for a celebrity. Maybe he was looking for someone bigger than himself. What he found was just how important he was, and that had nothing to do with money and position, and everything to do with Jesus.

The Truth

I don't know why I write this blog.

There. I said it.

The truth is I started writing again because one of the things we are told as writers is to write what we want to read, and frankly, I can't find much I want to read. I'm sick of being lectured on things. I'm sick of whining "conservatives" who just drone on and on about the presidential election and what a mess the politics in the United States are. I'm tired of the religious walls. I don't want to read anymore about any of it.

I read David Baldacci books.

And the worst part is I read them because I can relate to the characters.

His characters are warriors that have this numb or dead space either someone, life situations, or they have created that allow them to act in ways that the general populace doesn't like. These characters are detached, and while they realize they are not the norm and don't really have the emotional capability for happily ever after, they realize they are good at what they do, so they do jobs--in the trenches, ugly jobs--that the general populace would find too distasteful or immoral to do.

And I read those characters, and I see me.

Then I sit down at this computer and try to write about life and what is happening and give it some deep spiritual spin because I have this idea that surely someone else out there is looking for something not like everything else, but I have begun to doubt that.

I write things that are poetic and emotional, and people read those, but when I write things that could actually change someone's life, those pretty much get ignored. Honestly, it makes me think people want a place to commiserate but not a place to change their lives, and I seriously stink at the whole commiserating thing.

I quit writing for months and months. Part of that is because I really needed time to be silent, to hear God, to not have voices with opinions and advice. Part of it is because I felt like I was believing a lie that I made a difference, that lives were somehow better, that somehow people were finding God in what I wrote.

I started writing again because I thought I could present Truth in a way that drew people to God, that in understanding spiritual disciplines or how to develop intimacy or some other spiritual teaching someone might find a clearer path to Him or deeper intimacy with Him, but I have to be honest, I think I was wrong.

When I wrote during the first few years after Rob died and things changed, several people said my strength is that I write my heart. Well, here is the truth, I don't write my heart anymore. I have no desire to put it out on display for people to comment on and criticize or judge and not understand.

Sitting beside me on the floor is my brother's dog, Merida. She is with us for a few weeks while he does long hours of overtime for work. She looks up at me confused because she doesn't know why she is here, why things are so unfamiliar, and where my brother is. I reach down and pet her and tell her it's okay, I"m here because I totally relate.

Merida just gave a deep sigh and lay down on the rug by my bed. I guess she got tired of roaming the house looking for my brother and trying to figure things out. That is very much how I feel, and I don't have a deep spiritual lesson for you.

You know, spiritual teachers and leaders don't talk about being lost in the desert while they are in the desert. They talk about it after the fact, when they don't look crazy and flakey and when they have some deep faith lesson to tell us all.

Well, y'all, I'm in the desert, and I can tell you that I believe God is faithful, loving, and kind. I don't doubt Him or His character, but right now, I feel barren with nothing to offer, and there are two ways to go with this: letting His strength show through my weakness or like David's men, go back to camp until I am useful again. I guess we'll both have to wait until tomorrow to figure out which it'll be.

Until...
Shalom...

Bittersweet

Today WonderBoy took one more step toward being WonderMan as he took his place as a licensed driver. I am so incredibly proud of him, and WonderGirl and I rejoiced with him and took him out for a celebratory lunch. It has been a wonderful day.

It's also been bittersweet.

Some days I wonder what their dad would say if he could see them now. The kids think about it. We talk about it. Both of them wonder if he would be proud of them, if he would enjoy their maturing quirkiness. Of course, I think the questions are pointless. How could he not totally love these amazing kids and be totally in awe of the young people they are and the adults they are becoming? But they wonder. I would wonder, too.

Of course, I am also aware that they are who they are because they survived the loss of their dad and have been raised by God and me the last 5 1/2 years. There is strength and optimism in them that would not have been there had they not been on this road, and there is an honesty about them that most adults avoid. It is a hard won honesty, and it is beautiful. But like them, I wonder what their dad would say to see these amazing young adults.

And days like today when everything is so amazing and joyous that echoing question seems to be loudest.

Remaining Faith, my comment

Yesterday I shared with you my John Perron's words on Luke 18:1-8 and his focus on the last sentence:

When the Son of Man comes, will He really find faith on the earth?

At the end of his teaching, he asked if there were questions or comments. I chose not to add my comments to yesterday's post because I really wanted what he said to stand on its own because it is that good. What I added in class was:

The word faith is not merely an intellectual knowledge of something. It is not the belief that something exists. Faith speaks to fidelity and faithfulness. It stands when nothing else does.

God is not Santa Clause, and our prayers should not be our wish list we expect Him to grant. Prayer is communication and conversation. It is building a relationship. Faith stands even when the relationship is hard and even when the answers are not what we want.

For me, the question, "When the Son of Man comes, will He really find faith on earth?" asks a simple question:

Are you faithful to a relationship with me, or do you simply want what I can give you,

and if you don't get what you want, will you walk away?

Because if you can just walk away, you don't have faith, and when the Son of Man comes, where does that leave you?

Remaining Faith

Last week my friend John Perron gave a really good lesson on Luke 18:1-8.

1 Then He spoke a parable to them, that men always ought to pray and not lose heart, ² saying: “There was in a certain city a judge who did not fear God nor regard man. ³ Now there was a widow in that city; and she came to him, saying, ‘Get justice for me from my adversary.’ ⁴ And he would not for a while; but afterward he said within himself, ‘Though I do not fear God nor regard man, ⁵ yet because this widow troubles me I will avenge her, lest by her continual coming she weary me.’”
⁶ Then the Lord said, “Hear what the unjust judge said. ⁷ And shall God not avenge His own elect who cry out day and night to Him, though He bears long with them? ⁸ I tell you that He will avenge them speedily. Nevertheless, when the Son of Man comes, will He really find faith on the earth?”

While everyone else in the class seemed to focus on the need to be persistent in asking, John looked at something out: persistent faith.

I asked him if I could share it here, and he kindly said yes.

"When the Son of Man comes, will He really find faith on the earth?"

by John Perron 

 

So, here it is.  Not quite the way I said it last night as I was letting the Holy Spirit bring out what God wanted said and I took no notes as it happened.

 First, the judge in the parable was interested only in himself.  He only answered the widow's petition because her persistent requests for a decision were aggravating to him.  He agreed to deliver a decision for two reason: 1. to shut her up, and 2. to secure his own physical safety "...lest she finally come and strike me."

 Second, Jesus made it clear that God is not like the judge and doesn't answer prayer to shut us up.  God does not find our prayers aggravating. Instead, Jesus suggests that God will answer our prayers quickly and, to those of us who are persistent in prayer "...who call out to him day and night",  as the widow was persistent, God will answer even more quickly; as if that is even possible.  Faith and prayer are two sides of the same coin.  If you have faith, you go to God in prayer; when we pray, our faith increases, and so on, and so on.

 But the bottom line is that Jesus, in all his parables, challenges us.  In the final verse of this particular story, Jesus asks, "But when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith?"  The challenge is for each of us, individually, to question the state of our faith; is it living or dead?  Will Jesus find, in each of us individually, someone who, when prayers "were not answered" chose to lose heart, patience and faith and simply give up on prayer; letting our faith begin to die?  Will he find someone who, regardless of God's answer to prayer, remained in persistent prayer to God and trusted in God completely; no matter what?

 
Something I meant to share last night and left out:  St Monica prayed for her son, persistently, for close to 30 years.  Praying that he would repent and come to faith in the church.  Had she not done so, the church would have never had one of its greatest theologians; Bishop St. Augustine of Hippo.

 

Don't Settle

It's tempting sometimes, when you want something really badly. When your heart is kind of miserable, and you just want...to not feel so much like this.

Two weeks ago I was asked if I would consider running for the board of a volunteer group of which I am a member. I considered it. Great platform to work on some programs I really want to start and build. When I prayed about it, I simply heard, "Don't settle."

In other words, wait. Something you want more is coming.

Last week I was invited to a luncheon by the leader of the widows group of the church we just left. I'm not so much into groups for widows. It is hard to feel like I really fit, not because of them but because...well, that is another story. Still, when I explained that I live an hour from the main campus and where the group would meet, the sweet lady said she would keep me in the loop because they want to start a group at our campus. For quite a while I considered volunteering to start the group over here. I could do it. I love planning and organizing, and it would be...something that felt like I was giving back or using my gifts. But, that wouldn't fix the reasons we left, so...

Last night WonderBoy and I were at a local parking lot so he could practice his parallel parking for his driving test, and the pastor pulled up to find out what was going on. Funny how all you have to say to anyone with a license is "parallel parking", and they nod because they know. So Pastor Ed and I chatted a bit. They have a fall festival coming up, and he invited us. Invited us to Sunday School, Bible study, and services, too. Nice man. I enjoyed the chat. The church is close to home. When I came home I looked up the website to see what they believed. Fundamental beliefs. No real place for women to do much, maybe teach the kids' classes like usual, which I don't care to do. Certainly no place for my gifts to be utilized. But you know, when you just kind of what to belong somewhere and someone is nice to you maybe you can make this work? I read through some more, and finally, I just closed the screen and put my computer away and picked up my Bible.

Yesterday morning during my prayer time, the Lord took me to Psalm 68.

⁵ A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
    is God in his holy dwelling.
⁶ God sets the lonely in families,
    he leads out the prisoners with singing;
    but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.

I opened my Bible back up to that passage and read it multiple times.

God sets the lonely in families...but the rebellious...those who settle, those who don't trust His faithfulness, those who do things that fill the hole right now instead of waiting for the real answer...live in a sun-scorched (or desolate) land.

They have to live with the consequences of their actions, and sometimes those consequences are the hard things they deal with and sometimes those consequences are the loss of the blessings God had planned for them. Both are desolate...lacking Life...lacking the fullness of Him.

Praying for all those who are standing in the loneliness. May you not settle but wait for the fullness of our faithful God.