For a few very hard years this word was my mantra.
The word means
-undismayed; not discouraged; not forced to abandon purpose or effort
-undiminished in courage or valor; not giving way to fear
But the truth is, I was often dismayed by everything that had taken place, and I did battle discouragement. I battled fear and doubts. I hurt and was angry, and sometimes "undaunted" sounded more like a mockery than a mantra, and I was determined to be real about all of it in these posts, thus the name, Undaunted Reality. More than that, though, I was determined to live undaunted, not because I'm so great or strong, but because my God is, and no matter what this world looks like, He is the only reality that matters.
I pray I live the reality of Him beautifully undaunted.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Life May be Hard, but I'm Still Okay

As some of you know, this is a hard season for me.

My husband and I separated at the end of June after nineteen years of marriage. Needless to say, that has been a trial.

On July 30th, my mom was taken to the ER with indications of a stroke. Three hours later, I sat in a conference room as images of Mom's lungs and brain revealed multiple large masses. We went from concerns of paralysis to a prognosis of weeks or months to live.

Since then, my life has been an insane rollercoaster ride.

The difficulties and pain are more than dealing with separation and an expected divorce or cancer and the concept of "terminal". They are the well-meaning friends who want to drown--I mean love you with Starbucks and let you listen--I mean talk all you want. The pain is the family members in denial, hoping for something...anything...that will make a difference. It is watching the person breathing just find, suddenly catch a breath and hold it so long you wonder if you just witnessed the last one...and then feeling sorry that it wasn't. It is learning to turn off the phone and the computer and feeling no remorse.

It is continuing to breath when the person you love so much is gone...or going...and it hurts so much that you are sure your heart will be crushed by the pain.

I know. I'm living it...and I'm talking about openly and honestly as my heart and mind can allow. I am being open about what helps, what doesn't, and why. I'm sharing my honest feelings and thoughts...even when some of them are far outside others' comfort zones. I am rejoicing in hope...and being honest about the hard days. And I'm refusing to play a role for anyone. I'm taking it moment by moment as it comes...the laughter, the tears, the life, the death, the rejoicing, the grieving...and I'm finding it's okay...I'm okay.

If you or someone you know is in a hard place and needs to find refuge or share hearts, come join me at I Really Am Okay. Maybe you'll find out you are okay, too...or that you can be.

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