For a few very hard years this word was my mantra.
The word means
-undismayed; not discouraged; not forced to abandon purpose or effort
-undiminished in courage or valor; not giving way to fear
But the truth is, I was often dismayed by everything that had taken place, and I did battle discouragement. I battled fear and doubts. I hurt and was angry, and sometimes "undaunted" sounded more like a mockery than a mantra, and I was determined to be real about all of it in these posts, thus the name, Undaunted Reality. More than that, though, I was determined to live undaunted, not because I'm so great or strong, but because my God is, and no matter what this world looks like, He is the only reality that matters.
I pray I live the reality of Him beautifully undaunted.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Tempting, Very Tempting Indeed

"Why don't you go away with me three or four days?"

I stared at the email. One line. One simple question.

I never knew butterflies could make a person want to vomit, but the ones fluttering in my stomach did just that.

I won't lie to you. It was tempting, very tempting. The idea of spending the evenings laughing and talking, having dinner with someone who wanted to talk about something besides Smash Bros, going to sleep in his arms and waking up in a bed that wasn't empty...

Because sometimes beds can be really empty.

I could go. I knew a few friends who wouldn't mind taking the kids for me to have a few days away. They'd been telling me I needed time away. They would be thrilled I was actually heeding their advice. I wouldn't have to tell them how I was going to spend it. I had a few meetings, but I could reschedule them. It would take a bit of work, but I could do it if I wanted to.

And suddenly the butterflies that were fluttering wildly that had seemed so excited...made me want to vomit.

Did I really want to go?

He is handsome. Amazing eyes. Beautiful smile, and at one time, we had been very attracted to one another. The attraction was long gone for both of us, any idea of what could be had been lost, and we were more sure of what we didn't want it to be. I had no idea why he even asked the question. At that moment, I didn't care.

Honestly, I didn't care about sex. Obviously the unspoken part of the question was did I want to go away for a sexual romp no one but us had to know about, and at one time, the offer would have been very tempting, but this time, that wasn't the temptation.

The temptation was simply having someone in bed that filled up the space where Rob had been, and yes, for two or three nights, I could have had that. I could have had a warm body to reach out and touch with my hand or my foot in the middle of the night. I could have drifted to sleep breathing his cologne. For two or three nights I could have stepped into a fantasy world, and I wanted that fantasy world. I wanted to hear a heartbeat. I wanted to feel his arms. I wanted to be kissed. I feel not feel so alone...

...Except when I came home...and my bed was king-size bed would be the size of an ocean, and once again, I'd be drowning in its emptiness. I'd still wake up in the night and reach over to touch Rob. I'd still curl up to my pillow and wish it had his heartbeat. I would still....

...have a king-size bed that feels like an ocean sometimes...and I didn't want to drown in it all over again.

"I can't go. I have meetings."

The truth...mostly. I didn't mention I could change them. I wouldn't change them.

I paused with my finger on the "Send" button. Oh God, it would feel so good...

...until I came home...

Finally, I clicked the button, and the email instantly disappeared into the electronic nothingness.

I closed my computer, rolled over on my bed, and stared at the wall.

This was my only chance to be with him. He wouldn't invite me again. That was okay, though...because this was never really about being with him. It wasn't about his warm body in bed with me. It was about an empty side of the bed and wishing Rob's warm body was there. And sometimes not being without Rob--even when it is the absolute wrong way--is tempting. It is very tempting indeed.


  1. I love you, Jerri, and totally dig your honesty. :) You rock. Just sayin'... *grin*

  2. Nicole, thank you. :-)

    Love you, too, dear.

  3. Ah...the empty bed! Yes, that is a hard one to get used to. I have had offers of Friends with Benefits and some just sex, but nothing of substance...and I want substance! I want forever! So, I totally get choosing to not give in when what you want is not what is being offered! And good for you for seeing that! Sometimes, we miss that piece and try to fill the empty or the desire or the want of love or to be and give love for sex...which is NOT love unless given in love!