For a few very hard years this word was my mantra.
The word means
-undismayed; not discouraged; not forced to abandon purpose or effort
-undiminished in courage or valor; not giving way to fear
But the truth is, I was often dismayed by everything that had taken place, and I did battle discouragement. I battled fear and doubts. I hurt and was angry, and sometimes "undaunted" sounded more like a mockery than a mantra, and I was determined to be real about all of it in these posts, thus the name, Undaunted Reality. More than that, though, I was determined to live undaunted, not because I'm so great or strong, but because my God is, and no matter what this world looks like, He is the only reality that matters.
I pray I live the reality of Him beautifully undaunted.

Friday, March 7, 2014

When You are Tired of the Battle to Live a Better Life, Maybe It is Time to Die

Unless I lose my life, I'll never find it.

Unless my wheat dies, it will never be a harvest.

For as long as I can remember, I have looked to the Bible and to church to learn a better way to live. But now I'm asking for a better way to die.

For years I have battled certain things in my life.

I have battled an arrogant impatience with people who simply do not understand well enough or do not perform well enough. "Well enough" for what, I don't know. Who am I to tell them the pace they are to live or grow? All I know is my patience is lacking and my harshness is abundant, and it makes me far more ashamed than I care to say.

I have daily battled the voices in my head that remind me of every single mistake I've made in a day and all the reasons why no one would love me, want to be near me, and want to be my friend and certainly never want to be my husband.

I have daily battled the reality that if I am put on a scale, my failures far outweigh my victories.

I have daily battled the black hole that pulls at me telling me the world would be better and I wouldn't look stupid if I were to just be silent and unseen.

I have prayed against, repented, cast out, released, rebuked, taken my thoughts captive, thought on things true/noble/right/perfect/lovely/admirable/excellent/praiseworthy, cut soul ties, broken curses, and..and...and...Been prayed over. Anointed with oil. Prophesied over. Listened to teachings. Read umpteen books on how to be a better Christian and live a better life, but the battle still rages, and I am weary.

And this morning I am pondering. Maybe the answer isn't in finding a better way to live. Maybe the answer is in finding a better way to die.

Copyright 2014 Jerri Kelley Phillips

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