I'm not a masochist. I don't believe in setting myself up for failure...because I know just what a failure I am.
Yet, I am entertaining the idea of Lent. In fact, I'm excited about the idea of Lent...and I think I am stupid. But I'm a junky, and I like excitement, so I'm in.
Still, I wonder: how do I start Lent when I already feel like giving up? When, honestly, there are so many things I want to give up? What do I do when I already know what a wretched failure I am and it is the always feeling like a failure that I want to give up?
I have no idea, so I do all I know to do. I start where I want to finish. I start with God.
I slipped into one of our favorite meeting places and find a place on the floor. Not hard to do in my bedroom, and we talk.
"I'm afraid to do this," I confess. "I'm afraid of feeling like a bigger failure. I'm afraid my failure will tell you I don't love you. I'm afraid...of being the me I am every day, the me that tells you how much I love you, and then does something stupid that shows I don't. But, I believe this is what you want. I believe this is of you, and I want to be obedient."
I take a deep breath and say, "This is all about you, so tell me: what do you want me to do? How do I honor you? What do you want to die so you can live in me more?"
I feel Him scoot close, lean against the wall with me, knees pulled up like mine. Then He leans close and whispers in my ear, "I want you to give up everything you feel you have to do for me."
I am silent.
"I want you to give up everything you feel you have to do for me and do what brings you pleasure."
I am confused. This is not Lent. Lent is supposed to be preparing the heart for the gift of sacrifice. Lent is preparing the soul to receive the life. Lent is remembering what a perfect Christ did on a cross for this imperfect Jerri. This is not Lent!
"I want you to give up what you feel you have to do for me because I want you to know my pleasure is not in what you do but in who you are. I do not love your actions. I love you. I want you to give up trying to earn that love. I want you to simply accept it from me. This is what I want. I want you to stop doing things for me and enjoy being loved by me."
"But Lent..."
"Is preparing the heart..."
"For the sacrifice of your Son."
"For the love that put Him there."
I am trying to understand what I am hearing when He whispers ludicrous.
"Jerri, I want you to give up everything that says I don't love you wholly, right now, as you are. I want you to give up everything that keeps you from enjoying how much I enjoy you."
Isn't that Lent? The giving up of anything that keeps me from His everything?
And I undone...and I give up.
Showing posts with label fasting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fasting. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Giving Up--Part 1
I am not Catholic. I've never celebrated Lent. I never even think about Lent.
Until today.
A few different friends mentioned celebrating Lent, and I felt it. That spirit leap that whispers, "Oooo!! Pick me! I want to celebrate Lent!"
Okay. Hard cold fact. I don't want to celebrate Lent. Lent is miserable. It's about dying to self and self-discipline and self-denial and...I've given up a lot in the last few years, and I don't want to give up anything else. And good grief. What else does God want anyway?
There. I said it. I don't want to give up anything else.
And, yes, I am fully aware that none of it is mine anyway, and I am heart-shudder deep in the knowledge He has every right to ask for everything because that is exactly what He has given to me and for me, and who am I to withhold anything from Someone who gave everything?
And somewhere in this giving and dying and denial and misery that I know is coming...I feel excitement. How does one get excited about being miserable and realizing how little I really have to give anyway or how bad I am at giving it? Because I am bad at giving it.
Frankly, I'm really tired of being all too aware of how everything I'm not and how totally incapable of being anything other than "not" I am. Do I really need to know how much more I'm not? Do I really need to know how truly wretched I am? Am I not aware enough when I look in the mirror or when I have to repent for that statement I made about the lack of intelligence of the driver that annoyed me? Am I not aware enough when I hear my words come from my children's mouths in the same tone they came from mine and I wonder if mine grate on their hearts as much as theirs grates on mine?
Really. Am I not aware enough?
But I feel it. That excitement. And I hear it. That piece of me all giddy tugging on my thoughts saying, "I want to celebrate Lent. I want to give up!"
I stop.
I want to give up.
Yes. I want to give up.
I want to give up trying to be enough.
I want to give up doing my best only to feel like a failure.
I want to give up the self-loathing that comes from knowing how absolutely "not enough" I am.
I want to give up lying in bed at the end of the day and replaying every...single...thing...I...did...wrong.
I want to give up...
I just want to give up.
How do I even start Lent when it hasn't started but I already want to give up?
I start where I want to end...with Him.
Until today.
A few different friends mentioned celebrating Lent, and I felt it. That spirit leap that whispers, "Oooo!! Pick me! I want to celebrate Lent!"
Okay. Hard cold fact. I don't want to celebrate Lent. Lent is miserable. It's about dying to self and self-discipline and self-denial and...I've given up a lot in the last few years, and I don't want to give up anything else. And good grief. What else does God want anyway?
There. I said it. I don't want to give up anything else.
And, yes, I am fully aware that none of it is mine anyway, and I am heart-shudder deep in the knowledge He has every right to ask for everything because that is exactly what He has given to me and for me, and who am I to withhold anything from Someone who gave everything?
And somewhere in this giving and dying and denial and misery that I know is coming...I feel excitement. How does one get excited about being miserable and realizing how little I really have to give anyway or how bad I am at giving it? Because I am bad at giving it.
Frankly, I'm really tired of being all too aware of how everything I'm not and how totally incapable of being anything other than "not" I am. Do I really need to know how much more I'm not? Do I really need to know how truly wretched I am? Am I not aware enough when I look in the mirror or when I have to repent for that statement I made about the lack of intelligence of the driver that annoyed me? Am I not aware enough when I hear my words come from my children's mouths in the same tone they came from mine and I wonder if mine grate on their hearts as much as theirs grates on mine?
Really. Am I not aware enough?
But I feel it. That excitement. And I hear it. That piece of me all giddy tugging on my thoughts saying, "I want to celebrate Lent. I want to give up!"
I stop.
I want to give up.
Yes. I want to give up.
I want to give up trying to be enough.
I want to give up doing my best only to feel like a failure.
I want to give up the self-loathing that comes from knowing how absolutely "not enough" I am.
I want to give up lying in bed at the end of the day and replaying every...single...thing...I...did...wrong.
I want to give up...
I just want to give up.
How do I even start Lent when it hasn't started but I already want to give up?
I start where I want to end...with Him.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Fasting--What I Get
Despite having grown up in church, I didn’t grow up with the discipline of fasting. No one I knew ever mentioned fasting. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I learned about fasting as a discipline for modern times, and it wasn’t until a few years ago that I understood it wasn’t just a religious requirement that could be used to impress God and convince Him to see things my way or do things my way.
Fasting isn’t ominous or mysterious, and it isn’t a way to manipulate God. The fact is fasting is pretty practical, easy to understand, and does nothing for God whatsoever.
Honestly, for a long time I thought fasting was just another requirement God threw at us so we could prove our devotion to Him by being miserable. The fact is fasting is something God offers as a means to grow closer to Him by giving up dependency on ourselves or other things and learning to focus that dependency on Him. Sounds lovely and theoretical, doesn’t it? Let me make it a bit more practical.
About five or six years ago I was going through a time when I really wondered how committed I was to the Lord. I am blessed with a pretty nice lifestyle, and I honestly wondered if I would be willing to be uncomfortable or even miserable for Him. Could I give up my comforts and still praise Him, or would I blame Him? Being a simple person, I simply asked Him, and He answered, “Fast all food for three days.” Huh? What kind of answer was that? That’s all He said, so I did that.
I fasted all food for three days. When it was over, I asked, “Okay, are you going to tell me now?”
He answered with a question.
“Were you ever hungry?”
Yes.
“How did that feel?”
My stomach hurt, like cramped and ached. I got dizzy sometimes, and I really didn’t feel too good.
“Then why did you do it?”
Because I wanted to know if I was willing to be uncomfortable for you.
“Were you?”
I suddenly knew. Yes, I was willing to be uncomfortable for Him. How much so, I didn’t know, but I believed if He could give me the ability to meet the discomfort He asked of me then, He would give me all I needed to meet the requirements He had later.
On another occasion I had been praying for our family, and I had been asking the Lord to knit our hearts together and unite us. In response, He said to fast the TV and computer. We don’t watch trash TV or play questionable games. Surely Dora wasn’t bad, but fasting isn’t about what’s bad. Fasting is about finding out what is better. And I wanted better for our family than what we had.
I sent my friends a message that I would be offline and only taking emergency phone calls for two weeks. I turned off my computer and started counting down to the answer He was going to give me.
It took all of about three days for me to realize the fasting was the answer. Instead of spending time on mindless things that isolated us, we spent our time playing games, reading together, and going for a walk. We found each other again, and we loved it. When the two weeks were up, my son looked at me sadly and said, “I don’t want to have to turn the TV back on. I want us.”
Now we make a habit of no electronics so we can enjoy each other.
This year the Lord has asked me to again give up the electronics, but that isn’t all. I am to give up all blogs, social sites, and electronic media, along with all written material such as books, papers, or magazines, that I use to meet my spiritual or emotional needs.
At first, I thought I was hearing incorrectly. The Lord always allows Christians to encourage one another. Why would He cut that line? He corrected me. That isn’t what this is about. He is not trying to alienate me. He is endeavoring to focus me.
When I’m having a bad day or am struggling with some kind of mental or emotional turmoil, it is easy for me to look for solace in one of the Spirit-filled blogs I read. They hear from God, so I trust them. God wants me to make the effort to hear Him for myself and to trust He cares enough to say something. Frankly, that is sometimes more my problem than believing He talks. I know He talks, but knowing He still cares about the mundane life of a human being takes a lot of faith. He wants to build mine.
It’s easy to let folks in my social networks affirm me and validate me. It is also easy to become a target for lies about how little value I have or how unimportant I am if I am not validated or affirmed enough or at the right time. The Lord doesn’t want me living in that trap. He wants me to be affirmed and validated by Him.
When I’m facing a problem and I feel overwhelmed, it’s always nice to let my brain rest in a good book, but a book is not my hiding place. Only my Lord is.
As the Lord began to share these things with me, He spoke clearly, “I’m asking you to give up your idols. Those things aren’t bad, but your heart toward them is.”
Wow. Who knew Oswald Chambers could be an idol? He would be mortified.
The Lord did not ask me to fast those things because they are bad or because He likes to see me give up things I love. He doesn’t sit on His throne and think of ways to make me miserable. Instead, He thinks of ways to answer my prayers. My recent one has been, “Lord, get rid of anything that keeps my heart from you.” How much love He must have to answer so quickly and with such clarity.
As I said, fasting does nothing for Him, but it will get rid of the band aids I use and force me to look to the perfect Comforter, the real Counselor, and the only true Refuge to meet my needs. I’m giving up stuff, and I’m getting God. That is what fasting does.
Copyright 2010 Jerri Phillips
Fasting isn’t ominous or mysterious, and it isn’t a way to manipulate God. The fact is fasting is pretty practical, easy to understand, and does nothing for God whatsoever.
Honestly, for a long time I thought fasting was just another requirement God threw at us so we could prove our devotion to Him by being miserable. The fact is fasting is something God offers as a means to grow closer to Him by giving up dependency on ourselves or other things and learning to focus that dependency on Him. Sounds lovely and theoretical, doesn’t it? Let me make it a bit more practical.
About five or six years ago I was going through a time when I really wondered how committed I was to the Lord. I am blessed with a pretty nice lifestyle, and I honestly wondered if I would be willing to be uncomfortable or even miserable for Him. Could I give up my comforts and still praise Him, or would I blame Him? Being a simple person, I simply asked Him, and He answered, “Fast all food for three days.” Huh? What kind of answer was that? That’s all He said, so I did that.
I fasted all food for three days. When it was over, I asked, “Okay, are you going to tell me now?”
He answered with a question.
“Were you ever hungry?”
Yes.
“How did that feel?”
My stomach hurt, like cramped and ached. I got dizzy sometimes, and I really didn’t feel too good.
“Then why did you do it?”
Because I wanted to know if I was willing to be uncomfortable for you.
“Were you?”
I suddenly knew. Yes, I was willing to be uncomfortable for Him. How much so, I didn’t know, but I believed if He could give me the ability to meet the discomfort He asked of me then, He would give me all I needed to meet the requirements He had later.
On another occasion I had been praying for our family, and I had been asking the Lord to knit our hearts together and unite us. In response, He said to fast the TV and computer. We don’t watch trash TV or play questionable games. Surely Dora wasn’t bad, but fasting isn’t about what’s bad. Fasting is about finding out what is better. And I wanted better for our family than what we had.
I sent my friends a message that I would be offline and only taking emergency phone calls for two weeks. I turned off my computer and started counting down to the answer He was going to give me.
It took all of about three days for me to realize the fasting was the answer. Instead of spending time on mindless things that isolated us, we spent our time playing games, reading together, and going for a walk. We found each other again, and we loved it. When the two weeks were up, my son looked at me sadly and said, “I don’t want to have to turn the TV back on. I want us.”
Now we make a habit of no electronics so we can enjoy each other.
This year the Lord has asked me to again give up the electronics, but that isn’t all. I am to give up all blogs, social sites, and electronic media, along with all written material such as books, papers, or magazines, that I use to meet my spiritual or emotional needs.
At first, I thought I was hearing incorrectly. The Lord always allows Christians to encourage one another. Why would He cut that line? He corrected me. That isn’t what this is about. He is not trying to alienate me. He is endeavoring to focus me.
When I’m having a bad day or am struggling with some kind of mental or emotional turmoil, it is easy for me to look for solace in one of the Spirit-filled blogs I read. They hear from God, so I trust them. God wants me to make the effort to hear Him for myself and to trust He cares enough to say something. Frankly, that is sometimes more my problem than believing He talks. I know He talks, but knowing He still cares about the mundane life of a human being takes a lot of faith. He wants to build mine.
It’s easy to let folks in my social networks affirm me and validate me. It is also easy to become a target for lies about how little value I have or how unimportant I am if I am not validated or affirmed enough or at the right time. The Lord doesn’t want me living in that trap. He wants me to be affirmed and validated by Him.
When I’m facing a problem and I feel overwhelmed, it’s always nice to let my brain rest in a good book, but a book is not my hiding place. Only my Lord is.
As the Lord began to share these things with me, He spoke clearly, “I’m asking you to give up your idols. Those things aren’t bad, but your heart toward them is.”
Wow. Who knew Oswald Chambers could be an idol? He would be mortified.
The Lord did not ask me to fast those things because they are bad or because He likes to see me give up things I love. He doesn’t sit on His throne and think of ways to make me miserable. Instead, He thinks of ways to answer my prayers. My recent one has been, “Lord, get rid of anything that keeps my heart from you.” How much love He must have to answer so quickly and with such clarity.
As I said, fasting does nothing for Him, but it will get rid of the band aids I use and force me to look to the perfect Comforter, the real Counselor, and the only true Refuge to meet my needs. I’m giving up stuff, and I’m getting God. That is what fasting does.
Copyright 2010 Jerri Phillips
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
40 Days before the Election
Tomorrow, September 25th, marks 40 days until the election for our new president and vice president. I strongly encourage you to ask the Lord if He would have you fast those 40 days and if so, what He wants you to fast.
Before you quit reading, let's talk about the purpose of a fast and the many forms it can take.
A fast has on primary purpose--to focus you on God. Period. Fasts tend to do two things for you: 1) Kills off false idols such as food, tv, computers, telephone, etc.
2) Makes you look to God to be filled. The escapes collapse, so your needs are laid bare. You have no way to avoid them, and the only place to take them is God. Your focus becomes God, not everything else.
Fasting isn't complicated. A person gives up something so that he/she can spend the time usually given to whatever to the Lord in prayer and study. It's that simple. You are giving up something so you can spend that time focusing on the Lord.
While most people associate fasting with only food, I encourage to think beyond that to things that might be even harder.
When I wake up in the morning, my first thought isn't food. It's email. When I want to relax because of a stressful day, my thoughts aren't food. They are TV or movies. Lisa Whelchel fasted all literature except the Bible for 40 days one time. Maybe it's fishing or scrapbooking. Frankly, it's pointless for me to fast lunch when I'm at the table talking to my children, BUT my thirty minutes of reading in the afternoon is uninterupted. Perhaps the Lord will ask for that. There are a myriad of things we use to fill our days.
Ask God what He wants you to offer to Him so that you can have time together. Then do it.
Don't try to rationalize or make excuses. If it isn't something you would just think to offer, then it is probably Him, so just obey.
Some of you may be wondering what to pray for or about. Here are a few thoughts:
Our leaderstheir marriages
their children
wisdom
compassion
salvation
encouragement--call forth some folks to bless them. Maybe the Lord will pick you.
intercessors for our leaders
intercessors for different levels of government
think all levels of government
think about what you would want folks to pray about if they were praying for your family--I guarantee you others want the same for their families as you do.
pray for our leaders to be people of vision
pray for specific issues--foreign policy, insurance for folks, economy
I could go on, but you get the idea, and if none of those things appeal to you at the moment, stop and ask, "Lord, what do you want me to pray? I want to be in agreement with you about my leaders and nation. What is your heart?" And then, go to town.
If you have questions or comments, feel free to post them. They will not appear without approval, but I will check them daily.
Be blessed!
Before you quit reading, let's talk about the purpose of a fast and the many forms it can take.
A fast has on primary purpose--to focus you on God. Period. Fasts tend to do two things for you: 1) Kills off false idols such as food, tv, computers, telephone, etc.
2) Makes you look to God to be filled. The escapes collapse, so your needs are laid bare. You have no way to avoid them, and the only place to take them is God. Your focus becomes God, not everything else.
Fasting isn't complicated. A person gives up something so that he/she can spend the time usually given to whatever to the Lord in prayer and study. It's that simple. You are giving up something so you can spend that time focusing on the Lord.
While most people associate fasting with only food, I encourage to think beyond that to things that might be even harder.
When I wake up in the morning, my first thought isn't food. It's email. When I want to relax because of a stressful day, my thoughts aren't food. They are TV or movies. Lisa Whelchel fasted all literature except the Bible for 40 days one time. Maybe it's fishing or scrapbooking. Frankly, it's pointless for me to fast lunch when I'm at the table talking to my children, BUT my thirty minutes of reading in the afternoon is uninterupted. Perhaps the Lord will ask for that. There are a myriad of things we use to fill our days.
Ask God what He wants you to offer to Him so that you can have time together. Then do it.
Don't try to rationalize or make excuses. If it isn't something you would just think to offer, then it is probably Him, so just obey.
Some of you may be wondering what to pray for or about. Here are a few thoughts:
Our leaderstheir marriages
their children
wisdom
compassion
salvation
encouragement--call forth some folks to bless them. Maybe the Lord will pick you.
intercessors for our leaders
intercessors for different levels of government
think all levels of government
think about what you would want folks to pray about if they were praying for your family--I guarantee you others want the same for their families as you do.
pray for our leaders to be people of vision
pray for specific issues--foreign policy, insurance for folks, economy
I could go on, but you get the idea, and if none of those things appeal to you at the moment, stop and ask, "Lord, what do you want me to pray? I want to be in agreement with you about my leaders and nation. What is your heart?" And then, go to town.
If you have questions or comments, feel free to post them. They will not appear without approval, but I will check them daily.
Be blessed!
Monday, September 15, 2008
Fast Computers and Dead Power Packs
Last week the Lord told me to turn off my computer and phone for a week, so I did. Within two days, the peace in the house was obvious. The peace in my heart, moreso. As the end of the week drew near, I found myself getting antsy. Not only did I enjoy the quietness, I enjoyed how loudly God seemed to speak, or maybe, it was simply so quiet, I could hear Him more clearly. In either case, I didn't want to give that up, but the Lord had only said seven days.
Friday I came home from a writer's conference, and I pulled up my email. The battery icon kept flickering on and off--mostly on (which translates to a blinking icon with a big red X screaming it's going to die soon if major resucitation isn't done). When I jiggled the cord to my power pack, I heard a sizzle. This is great on a cool morning when bacon is in the skillet, but not good around 10:00 pm when your trying to talk nice to a computer.
A nuisance but not a real issue. We'd simply by another one in our instomatic, whatever-you-need-right-now world. Except, my power pack is an older model. It has to be special ordered. It should be in--when? Yep. In about seven days.
Amazing how God makes you want to laugh and cry in the very same moment.
And so beloved ones, I am typing away today on my husband's computer, so I can let you know where I am and give a glimpse of what God is doing--although there is TONS more to tell when there is time and a charged battery to do that.
You can still email me and comment on any of the blogs. However, I might not see any of it until Friday, so don't feel I'm ignoring you. On the contrary, I praise the Lord for you.
Blessings of hearing His voice clearly be yours as well...There's nothing that gives life like He does.
Friday I came home from a writer's conference, and I pulled up my email. The battery icon kept flickering on and off--mostly on (which translates to a blinking icon with a big red X screaming it's going to die soon if major resucitation isn't done). When I jiggled the cord to my power pack, I heard a sizzle. This is great on a cool morning when bacon is in the skillet, but not good around 10:00 pm when your trying to talk nice to a computer.
A nuisance but not a real issue. We'd simply by another one in our instomatic, whatever-you-need-right-now world. Except, my power pack is an older model. It has to be special ordered. It should be in--when? Yep. In about seven days.
Amazing how God makes you want to laugh and cry in the very same moment.
And so beloved ones, I am typing away today on my husband's computer, so I can let you know where I am and give a glimpse of what God is doing--although there is TONS more to tell when there is time and a charged battery to do that.
You can still email me and comment on any of the blogs. However, I might not see any of it until Friday, so don't feel I'm ignoring you. On the contrary, I praise the Lord for you.
Blessings of hearing His voice clearly be yours as well...There's nothing that gives life like He does.
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