For a few very hard years this word was my mantra.
The word means
-undismayed; not discouraged; not forced to abandon purpose or effort
-undiminished in courage or valor; not giving way to fear
But the truth is, I was often dismayed by everything that had taken place, and I did battle discouragement. I battled fear and doubts. I hurt and was angry, and sometimes "undaunted" sounded more like a mockery than a mantra, and I was determined to be real about all of it in these posts, thus the name, Undaunted Reality. More than that, though, I was determined to live undaunted, not because I'm so great or strong, but because my God is, and no matter what this world looks like, He is the only reality that matters.
I pray I live the reality of Him beautifully undaunted.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Giving Up--Part 1

I am not Catholic. I've never celebrated Lent. I never even think about Lent.

Until today.

A few different friends mentioned celebrating Lent, and I felt it. That spirit leap that whispers, "Oooo!! Pick me! I want to celebrate Lent!"

Okay. Hard cold fact. I don't want to celebrate Lent. Lent is miserable. It's about dying to self and self-discipline and self-denial and...I've given up a lot in the last few years, and I don't want to give up anything else. And good grief. What else does God want anyway?

There. I said it. I don't want to give up anything else.

And, yes, I am fully aware that none of it is mine anyway, and I am heart-shudder deep in the knowledge He has every right to ask for everything because that is exactly what He has given to me and for me, and who am I to withhold anything from Someone who gave everything?

And somewhere in this giving and dying and denial and misery that I know is coming...I feel excitement. How does one get excited about being miserable and realizing how little I really have to give anyway or how bad I am at giving it? Because I am bad at giving it.

Frankly, I'm really tired of being all too aware of how everything I'm not and how totally incapable of being anything other than "not" I am. Do I really need to know how much more I'm not? Do I really need to know how truly wretched I am? Am I not aware enough when I look in the mirror or when I have to repent for that statement I made about the lack of intelligence of the driver that annoyed me? Am I not aware enough when I hear my words come from my children's mouths in the same tone they came from mine and I wonder if mine grate on their hearts as much as theirs grates on mine?

Really. Am I not aware enough?

But I feel it. That excitement. And I hear it. That piece of me all giddy tugging on my thoughts saying, "I want to celebrate Lent. I want to give up!"

I stop.

I want to give up.

Yes. I want to give up.

I want to give up trying to be enough.
I want to give up doing my best only to feel like a failure.
I want to give up the self-loathing that comes from knowing how absolutely "not enough" I am.
I want to give up lying in bed at the end of the day and replaying every...single...thing...I...did...wrong.
I want to give up...

I just want to give up.

How do I even start Lent when it hasn't started but I already want to give up?

I start where I want to end...with Him.

1 comment:

  1. So what I needed to hear this morning. Do you ever look around for that thing that will connect with you. His word. A song or hymn. A truth. ANYTHING! I cannot tell you how I have done it all this morning just trying to crack that open and then I read this and it clicked. YES! I want to give up all those things too.
    Why? Because try as I might. I fall. I fail. And then I struggle with trying at all. Thank you for this. Especially today! Love you!!