For a few very hard years this word was my mantra.
The word means
-undismayed; not discouraged; not forced to abandon purpose or effort
-undiminished in courage or valor; not giving way to fear
But the truth is, I was often dismayed by everything that had taken place, and I did battle discouragement. I battled fear and doubts. I hurt and was angry, and sometimes "undaunted" sounded more like a mockery than a mantra, and I was determined to be real about all of it in these posts, thus the name, Undaunted Reality. More than that, though, I was determined to live undaunted, not because I'm so great or strong, but because my God is, and no matter what this world looks like, He is the only reality that matters.
I pray I live the reality of Him beautifully undaunted.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

An Honest Letter to God

Dear Daddy,

I love you. Before I say anything else, I want to set my heart right with Truth and tell you I love you, and I know you love me, which is part of why I am so confused.

I have tried to pray through this, but honestly, I'm trying to pick my words carefully because you are God and you are holy, and you deserve my praise. I have no right to question you or your character, and really, I do not need to do anything to incur your wrath or make you unhappy, but the fact is, I have no one else but you.

I have quit believing in knights in shining armor, and I have no expectations of a cavalry showing up at my door, but I can't do this. I know it is pathetic and weak to confess what I can't do, but really, I am so at the end of me. But you know that.

And I don't understand it. I don't understand why you feel it necessary to push me to the edge and see how incredibly inept I am...or have me see it. Believe me, I am fully aware of all that is "on my plate" that I feel totally inadequate for. Why do you need to show me all I'm not? Do you not know how much it tears my heart out to be less than worthy of you, and while I know I will never actually be worthy of you, do I really need to be reminded how I am not what I want to be for you? Really. Do I need to see yet more vividly how I fail as your bride?

And I don't understand what you want from me or who you want me to be? I do not understand why you keep taking the things I enjoy. I do not understand the stripping down process...again. I didn't think I was being rebellious when I found enjoyment in those hobbies. It wasn't my heart to rebel, but maybe I made them idols and didn't realize it. If I did, then by all means, take them away.

But I must tell you, once again I feel like I have nothing. I have nothing to offer. I am no one. And I am trying to trust that you never tear down without building up, but I thought we were building before, and honestly, I can't take the stripping down again. I would rather be nothing.

And in this nothing, I am honestly, HONESTLY desiring that you are everything, and it seems I have missed that, and maybe that is what the pushing me to the edge, showing me all I am not, and stripping down is all about--making you everything. If it is, okay. But please understand, this hurts me, and right now, in this moment, I am drowning in how much all this hurts me.

I am drowning in the assault of broken things and things that need to be fixed...both tangible and intangible. I am drowning in the pain of seeking you and feeling like I get a grasp on what you are doing...only to be slammed hard by something even bigger. I am now afraid to move because I don't want to be hit anymore.

Your Word says you know your plans for me, they are to give me hope and a future. I am giving my hopes of things and outcomes back to you. My heart is shattered with hopes of outcomes that didn't happen. My hope is simply for You, that I would not shame you, that somehow I would bring you pleasure, even when all I have are tears to pour on the altar for you.

But even when I am broken and so very confused, one thing I am sure of. You are God and you are good. I don't understand what you are allowing. I don't understand why it seems you are intent on crushing me at times, and truly, it feels crushing. I don't understand...a lot of things, but this I know with all I am...
You are not cruel.
You are not sadistic.
You are kind.
You are generous.
You genuinely care.

You love me.

Sometimes the pain and the confusion and the not understanding can cloud that, and when I feel like I am drowning in all those things, the one thing I cling to...the only sanity I can sometimes love me.

When I know nothing else, it is the one place I know is solid, the one place I know I can stay....

You love me.