Jury is still out on the quality of life issue with my daughter's dog, but euthanasia is very much on the table. I'm praying God just lets the little guy go to sleep and not wake up in this realm.
We will hopefully know next week why my 4-pound poodle can't close her mouth. If the growth is benign, surgery might be an option. If it is cancerous, probably not so much.
After MUCH prayer, and I mean M.U.C.H. prayer, I have opted to not amend the contract that the buyers let go inactive on the house we lived in before this one. Instead, I am terminating the contract and praying about what to do with a house I really wanted to be done with both mentally and emotionally.
Add significant conflict with my favorite son this morning that ended with my proclamation, "You are grounded."
Plus I told one of the members of the board of the sheriff's office group of which I am a member that I have no desire to do mundane date entry as my only social outlet, and I probably did it with a bit less grace than it could have used.
And you know what? I am feeling a bit overwhelmed emotionally. I am feeling a bit...like I want to feel better about being me. I want to feel that I am getting something right because when I look at the decisions facing the dogs and the emotional impact on the buyers of the house and the energy of being a single mom and feeling like I am either getting it wrong or letting someone down...Yeah, I need to feel like somewhere I am getting something right.
So you know what I almost did? I almost looked at my Facebook and Blogger statistics. I almost looked to see how many people visited my sight yesterday, how many likes I have, how many times something was shared.
You know what I really wanted to see. I wanted to see how many people believe I make a difference, how many find my words and wisdom valuable enough to read and visit. I wanted to see numbers that tell me I am acceptable and important.
Really. That's it. Shallow, I know, but true. It is easy to use numbers as a gauge, you know?
How many Instagram likes? How many "reactions" on Facebook? How many subscribers? Are my numbers going up or down? Anyone knew like my page? Have I reached that magical milestone yet?
Here is the thing about numbers though. Large numbers of Nazis still doesn't make Nazi-ism right. Large numbers of slave owners still doesn't make it right. Large numbers of people who subscribe to porn channels doesn't make porn important, valuable, or purposeful. Numbers do not convey value.
Instead of looking at the numbers, I've opted to simply look for God.
Have you ever noticed God is like the anti-feel good? Sounds crazy but true.
Other people try to make me feel good because they love me.
God says, "It's been a hard day, and it is okay just to lie down, hold onto me, and let the emotions work through." He lets me be where I am because He loves me.
He doesn't give me a slew of fans so I know I am making a difference.
Instead He gives me His time because He makes the difference.
He doesn't promise me fame to tell me I'm valuable.
He calls me to be still just the two of us because I'm valuable.
And right now, I don't have the energy to feel better so someone else can feel better, but with God, I don't have to. A few years ago, He told me something that was so profound to me that I put it on my wall in huge letters:
Jerri, you have the right to need me desperately.
Isn't that where we really feel better? Needing Him desperately and finding Him there? Don't we feel better knowing He is faithful? Don't we feel better when He gives us those incredibly intimate gifts that no one else knows about? Don't we feel better when no one else can possibly help, and we say, 'Only you, God,' and He says, 'I'm right here'?
Is there anything that makes us feel more loved, more valued, more important than needing God desperately...and Him answering in a way that is so personal that it is unmistakably Him finding us in our desperation?
Crazy how God makes even something as miserable and uncomfortable as desperation into something beautiful.