But it's been a hard weak.
I haven't been able to work on the chapter outline and conflicts for the writing seminar that is less than a month away. I didn't get the post done about my being a romantic, partly because I couldn't think clearly enough to write what I wanted to say and partly because sometimes I really doubt that I am.
The deck remains uncovered, and the new gate fixtures are lying on a shelf in the garage, and I cannot tell you how many times I have looked at what still needs to be done and simply wanted to cry.
I did work on the pages for a writer's contest, but I know they are not good enough to score well, and in the dizziness I could make the words stand together like they needed, and sometimes I wonder why I write and if it makes a difference at all because sometimes I think I am the only person who is this screwed up and unsure and trying to figure out the next step and wondering if I am really making use of this trip around the sun or not and if not, then how.
All of those thought fluttered through this week...during my weak.
And it is kind of scary telling y'all that because what if you realize I am just a human trying to be still and hear God because without HIm, I am...dirt. Not even a muddy mess. I mean the kind of desert sand that is useless for anything besides being called Death Valley dirt. Without Him, I am nothing.
And you know what gets me? This God who is faithful beyond words, who can create a universe out of nothing in a week, steps right into my weak and instead of asking why I am not stronger, starts speaking life and pouring His strength into me...using my weak not for my humiliation but His glory.
I can't even tell you how He does it, but He does, and suddenly instead of thinking what a horrible weak it is, I think it is a gift. How can anything that brings my heart to Him and brings Him to me be anything less than gift?
This morning I had to go pick up some stuff at the store and without plans wandered through the CDs found one I have wanted for awhile. Not my typical genre, but this group is growing on me. This one particular song seems to run through my heart on continuous play, and how Only-God that He would remind me that my weak begins and ends with the One who "spoke and life began". And if He "can hold the stars in place, (He) can hold my heart the same...If (He) can calm the ranging seas, (He) can calm the storm in me."
I hope you have a beautifully blessed weak too.
Video: Skillet "Stars" from their "Unleashed" Album