For a few very hard years this word was my mantra.
The word means
-undismayed; not discouraged; not forced to abandon purpose or effort
-undiminished in courage or valor; not giving way to fear
But the truth is, I was often dismayed by everything that had taken place, and I did battle discouragement. I battled fear and doubts. I hurt and was angry, and sometimes "undaunted" sounded more like a mockery than a mantra, and I was determined to be real about all of it in these posts, thus the name, Undaunted Reality. More than that, though, I was determined to live undaunted, not because I'm so great or strong, but because my God is, and no matter what this world looks like, He is the only reality that matters.
I pray I live the reality of Him beautifully undaunted.

Thursday, January 4, 2018

A View of Hard Normal

You know, I never know whether to post on FB or what to post on FB because most of the time I honestly think everyone is busy with life and why would y'all care about the mundaneness of mine. Sometimes I know God is pushing me to say a specific thing. Sometimes I'm lonely and want to tell someone, so I tell the collective "y'all". LOL Today, I feel like someone needs to know about my last two days.
Long story short, due to my technical income, applications for my son's insurance have been refused pending a forced application to CHP. (No, i am not going to explain it, and I don't want comments/suggestions/advice/whatever. Really. I am not in a good place on this, and i may very well torch anyone who does that. Being real.) So I have spent the last week working through the bureaucracy of that. Yesterday's 3 phone call experience was horrible. I kept getting back to the same person who lectured me about how she told me what to do and how to do it and clearly I don't know how to follow directions, and I informed her I am an incredibly intelligent woman and if I can't make this work, maybe she is lousy at giving directions the end, I used some wholly unpastoral and decidedly not-Chris-Christian language. And I have to tell you, I had a hard cry and told the Lord honestly, I can't do this again. I have dealt with the bad effects of the insurance takeover for the last four years, and I can't do it again. I just don't have it in me to fight that battle again. I'll cancel all our insurance and deal with a fee, but I'm tired. Too tired to care. (Anyone relate?)
Today I made another phone call about this insurance purgatory, and thank God, I reached a different person who actually listened, took time to review my file, and said the reason things weren't working is because the person who did the interview (i.e., that lovely woman I called an ugly name before I hung up on her) had my file locked down so i couldn't access it to upload the documents they needed. I really had done everything right, and there was no way it was going to work. So she fixed it and gave me a few options for resolution which included a trip over to the local office, which I did.
That was...uh...I had a new view of life. A view from the perspective of people who find themselves in situations they could never imagine, have made every right decision to avoid, people who find themselves without jobs, without food, in need of government assistance to feed their kids. And I stood right in the middle of that large room waiting in line for my turn, and I just kept thinking, "This is not happening. This is not happening. How in the world...?" And I wondered how many other people there had the very same thought. Then nexst thing I knew, I realized I was praying for them, for each of them, not just for God to meet their physical needs but for Him to heal broken spirits that were asking the same question I was, who felt the same shock I did, who needed to know they hadn't failed but were just taking a hard road.
I turned in the paperwork, and the young lady was lovely, and I told her I don't want CHP. I don't need CHP, and she looked at my paperwork and understood why I was there and said I should know within a week and depending on the government's disinterested answer, maybe I can go back to normal life.
I told the kids we were finished and left. The whole thing took less than 20 minutes, but I keep thinking about how much I want him denied so I can "go back to normal life", and i am thinking about the people who were there when I got there and there when I left and are dealing with the fact that for reasons out of their control for now, this is normal life.
My heart is so sad for them.
We live in a hard, hard world, y'all. A world with people not just hurting for money but people with hurting in their spirit because some things in life crush you that way.
Tonight, I'm doing all I know to do. I"m praying.

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