2017: A Sabbath Year

2017. The New Year. For many it is the year that will prayerfully be better than the last one, or ones. It is the year of maybe...hopefully...and it begins on a Sunday.

For many of us, Sunday is Sabbath, and even if it isn't your Sabbath, could I ask you to suspend a bit of time for a moment and allow yourself to consider the Sabbath, to consider how this could be a Sabbath year? How you can live the Sabbath all year long, not just once a week?

See, the Sabbath isn't a command.
It is an invitation.
It is an invitation to rest, to see God be faithful.
It is a day of putting everything on Him.
It isn't just a day of physical rest. It is a day of mental rest.
It is the day when we step out of the earthly and step into the Kingdom of God and let it soak into us.
It is when we step out of the chaos and intentionally step into His peace.
It is when we step out of the demands and step into the invitation to come all who are burdened and weary of those demands and find rest.
It is the day that puts everything back into perspective.
It is the day we detox and are enabled to handle the rest of the week from a Kingdom mindset and not an earthly one.
It is holy because it speaks the full provision of God.
It is the conscious choice of stepping into Him, the choice to let Him be everything.
This is the Sabbath.

This is the invitation for 2017...to step out of this world and its chaos and consciously choose to step into the Kingdom.
It is the conscious choice to step into Him...
...to abide in Him...
...to Tabernacle with Him...

This is the Sabbath...this is the invitation for 2017.

Vroom!!!

You know that sound. I know you do.

It is the sound a day makes when it gets out of control, and you end up wondering how you are going to get everything done that (you think) needs to get done, and you are trying not to panic, but great purple billed sap suckers, Batman! That is a long list! AND, those things you have to get done are not anywhere near each other, and while you are reading this, someone just texted you and added more.

Yeah. I knew you knew that sound.

Today I got hit with another Vroom! day. I already had a full list. Then WonderGirl found out she had to stay at school for the debate, and since I was making the supper she asked for tonight, I figured I would just run it into town to her and go to the bank. No biggie. Until WonderBoy's bands came off, which means an unexpected 1 1/2 hour trip to the orthodontist office and back.

And it happened.

That headache that starts just below your shoulder because your shoulder blade and your spine and inches its way into a full blown trapezius knot of mythical proportions and then rockets right up your neck and into your skull. Hello tension migraine.

Except it didn't happen.

Instead, I noted the knot in my shoulder, prayed for God to do some miracle thing with my schedule today, and then....sat on the couch with some chocolate milk and read my Bible.

I didn't read anything long or heavy. Three Psalms. That's it, and I didn't even know what to read, so I did the powerhouse mature Christian thing. I prayed to the Lord to show the weapons I needed to fight today's battle, took my sword (the Word of God) in hand, and turned it to the ammo He led me to. Psalm 12, 13, and 32. Then I wrote the verses that stuck in my mind in my journal and marked the page with a piece of a stinky note. These are my meditation scripture now

The words of the Lord are flawless,

like silver purified in a crucible,

like gold refined seven times.

---Psalm 12:6---

 

But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing the Lord's praise,

for He has been good to me.

---Psalm 13:5-6---

 

Then I acknowledged my sin to you

and did not cover up my iniquity.

I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the Lord."

And you forgave the guilt of my sin.

---Psalm 32:5---

It's obvious why I picked the first two. Flawless words. Unfailing love. I mean, really, but honestly, the last one is the one I really love. Why? If I were to say it, I would say something like this:

Then I admitted my utter imperfection to you and my propensity for choosing the wrong thing. I came clean with the ugliest parts of me. I said, "I will be real about how I am and how bad things are and how desperately I need you." And you, in your wondrous perfection, accepted me there, forgave me, and took away all the reasons for me to hate myself.

Isn't it just like God on days when we are looking for something about time or schedule or our steps being directed, to step in and say, "Let's talk about something else, like your feeling inadequate, like your perfectionistic mindset that says you have to get it all right, and your lying awake tonight thinking about how you could have done it better and being annoyed that you didn't."

Do you get what He is saying?

That stuff on your to do list will get done or not. The world honestly won't end, and next week none of that matters, but YOU matter. OUR RELATIONSHIP matters. THE WAY YOU THINK I SEE YOU matters. THE WAY YOU SEE YOURSELF matters. MAKING SURE WE ARE OKAY matters.

May you always remember the importance of rest stops on Vroom! days...and in everything you have to get done, may you always remember what really matters.

Preparing to Receive the Gift--Day 7: Rest

Be still.

And know.

I am God.

Psalm 46:10

I do not recall if I have stated it here, but the simple fact is I am exhausted on all levels--spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and thus, physically. The last four years have taken a large toll, and I have reached the bottom of my reserves.

For a variety of reasons, I have tried to battle on anyway.

I was afraid if I stopped writing, no one would be here to read it when I returned.

I was afraid if I admitted my utter exhaustion, I would get what I got last week and people would tell me to stop being weak and to man up and fulfill my destiny and who did I think I was to sit around when the world is going to hell in a handbasket?

I was afraid people would think I am weak because I didn't just dig deeper or find that other gear or hit that extra switch. Except there is nothing else to dig into. I have no other gear, and all my switches are running on high.

I was afraid of failing God by not taking responsibility for my gifts and using them to build the kingdom and bless others.

I was afraid if I didn't lay a certain foundation or take certain steps then I wouldn't have made the right preparations to receive my personal promises He has made.

"Have I not commanded you?
Be strong and courageous.
Do not be afraid.
Do not be discouraged,
For the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
--Joshua 1:9--

Last night I spent about two hours talking with a friend. We both know God always answers prayers, so where was the answer? We talked through the "stuff" until it became loud and clear.

"Take some personal time."

In case I missed it, I hopped on Facebook earlier today, and my friend Lisa had posted a picture with Psalm 46:10 on it. :-)

I won't bore you with the details of the whole conversation with my friend or with the Lord after the phone conversation. I might write about it someday, but for now, the pertinent information is...

For the next three months, I am taking "personal time". I will not be blogging, writing for a deadline or clear purpose, ministering in a formal way, or any other activities requiring energy beyond raising my kids and making a home. Whenever my Healer and Great Physician say I am allowed to return, I will, and I hope y'all are all here to catch up with then.

Until then, y'all take care. Be blessed. Know you are loved wildly, and always take time to...

Be still
And know.
He is God.

Blessings, y'all!

Be Still and Know. I am God. And I am Good.

A few ago my friend Tracy Teppler messaged me that a package was on its way and please let her know when it arrived.

A few things I should tell you about Tracy. She has a heart that humbles me. Truly. It is beautiful beyond words. She shares my birthday, and she is in South Africa.

We've never actually met, and yet, when my world changed drastically, she would send emails that said exactly what I was supposed to hear. She listened. She loved, and she knew.

And now, she was sending a package.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I've been really quiet. Tracy is precious and keeps up with me on Facebook, so she knows about the oral surgeries and stuff, but she knows nothing about the internal stuff God is doing or He and I are discussing.

For instance, she does not know God has spent the last week speaking to me about the core of who I am and telling me to "embrace the fiery side of you." So when I received a package to "Ms. J. Kelley", I laughed. "Kelley" is my Irish maiden name. In my world, it doesn't get much fiery than that. Plus, I love that name. If it were not for my children, I would change my name back to that. It means "warrior". Some of my friends reading this are rolling their eyes saying, "Well, of course it does."

By the way, Tracy never knew me as a "Kelley", only as a Phillips. :-)


Nope. That is no "SA" as in San Antonio. That is "SA" as in South Africa. A world away...and right here, right now.



 I can't get the pictures to rotate, but the part you can't see is where she says she doesn't send regular mail anymore, but she did. :-)

And what did my wondrous package hold?

A DVD, magnet, and a bookmark.


And they could not be more perfect.

As I posted earlier today, I've been given the directive to "stand down", which means simply, "Be okay with being still." This is a hard thing for me. I was raised to believe I am supposed to be contributing. There is so much to do, and I need to be doing my share. I need to be actively pursuing God, serving God, loving others. I have the gift of writing. I need to be writing. I need to be LIVING my faith.

You know the really weird thing about living? You can't live if you don't rest. I read this week in On Combat by Dr. Dave Grossman that lack of sleep and rest will kill faster than a lack of food or water. Rest is necessary. In fact, it is so necessary, the Lord put a certain amount of time in darkness so we would be compelled to sleep and even declared an entire day necessary for rest. Rest is when the body and mind rejuvenates and heals. It is a necessity, not a weakness.

So I am resting.

And in my resting I hear a sweet whisper:
Be still and know I am God.

Or as I keep hearing it:
Be still and know.
I am God.

What does He want me to know about His God-ness?

I change everything.

Even when you can't see the change happening,

it is.

I am changing things.

Just wait.

 

And there is a whole other thing about butterflies I won't go into right now, but THIS? Just yes.

 

 

 Another thing the Lord has been telling me in all this is to focus on how good He is, not necessarily on the good things He does because really, that is about me and getting what I want or need, but simply about Him. It is a wondrously peaceful way to think, and instead of thinking about what I want and noticing when I don't get it, I simply think about Him and how good He is, and when I know how good He is, whatever the outcome, it is good because the only outcome that matters is Him and knowing Him. THEN my heart rejoices.

I don't rejoice so I can get something good.
Instead, my heart rejoices because I know how good He is.


The last thing I received is a DVD. Have you seen this one? Powerful story. Tracy wanted me to have it because it is a story of a man from South Africa, and she wanted to share something South African with me.

Don't you love when people love you enough to share themselves and give you a piece of their lives? To me, this is privileged stuff, this being let into the storehouse where the treasures are.

And that alone is a God-comment on conversations this week, but another thing God keeps speaking to me concerning topics I won't get into here is, "Remember the potatoes. You can't see anything. You just have to trust they are there. With these things I've promised that there is no evidence of, you have to trust if I say they will be there, they will be. Remember the potatoes."

Faith Like Potatoes.

From a half-a-world away.

Just goes to show God has the perfect gifts at the perfect times, and Tracy had no idea when she picked these up or put them in the mail. And had I gotten them that day, they would have been nice, and I would have appreciated that she did this for me because it is truly thoughtful and from her heart. However, they would not have spoken to be like they did now. So I am allowing myself to be amazed at what God did to make these arrive just on time.

And He whispers loud and clear:

 

"I am not controlled by time, and I will go wherever I need to go to get exactly what I know you need.

Be still and know, Jerri.

I am God,

and I am good."

And my heart rejoices.

Not Sleeping

It's after 3:30 am, and I am not sleeping. I don't sleep a lot right now. Haven't in...a long time. When I do sleep, it is sort of a doze with dreams, nothing really restful. I wake up a lot, look at the time on the clock a lot.

I still haven't figured out this sleeping alone gig, I guess.

Most of the time, I think that is what it really is, sleeping with someone for so many years and adjusting to sleeping alone. Sometimes, though, it's more.

Tonight my heart is heavy, and I have nowhere to put it.

Once again I am in a season of removal. Friends I've depended on are being removed, and I understand it. Goodness, I've done it enough in the last few years, especially the last twelve months. I know the signs. I know what is happening. I don't know how to handle it yet.

I don't know what to do when people need to be needed more than I really need them. And people who usually get told "everything" don't handle it well when I tell them, "I have nothing to say," even though that is really the truth. "Best friends" become distant acquaintances, and that doesn't go well either.

No explanation I give makes sense to them, and I end up being the bad, unstable, anger-projecting person who needs anti-depressants and the humility to ask forgiveness for being such a lousy friend and not letting people help me.

Really, it makes me want to go in the closet with my pillow and blanket and sleep until the firestorm is over.

I do know it is hard for them. I've been on that side. I've had to learn from both sides that seasons are seasons. For reasons God does not explain to me, some friends are good for one season and not for another. And some folks come in for a few months, make a huge impact, and are suddenly gone leaving me gasping for breath in the vacuum. "Best friends" suddenly become bothers over night. I don't know why or how. I just know it happens.

It is hard for those seasoned out because they don't understand.

It is hard for those changing seasons...because they aren't understood.

And the empty place is hard.

For the people being seasonsed out, they lose one person. For the person changing seasons, most of an address book may disappear before it is over. That's a pretty big empty place with a lot of nice folks on the peripheral but no one in the middle where I am.

And that's where I am.

I know this is temporary. I know God never creates a void He isn't planning to fill. I know.

I also know yesterday I tried to pull the pictures from the external storage Rob set up. I couldn't access them. I don't know if they are there or gone. If they are gone, four years of pictures are gone. For my son, that is over 1/3 of his life's pictures with his dad. For my daughter is nearly 1/3 of her life with her dad that is gone. I sat with electronics spread out around me and sobbed by myself. Who was I supposed to call? Who would really understand the magnitude of what could be lost for me? I honestly could think of no one.

Yesterday I texted some people asking for prayer, made the mistake of sharing my heart a bit, and then got a lot about how they understood because of their lives which had nothing to do with the issues I was having. I ended up deleting replies without reading them.

I already feel pretty much totally alone. Decided not to make it worse.

There's more, like some comments made at my family reunion that make me worry about my gene pool. My favorite was, "Well, look at it this way. It's not like Rob would have been here anyway." Wow! Thanks for the reminder that our divorce would have been final because he decided being single was more fun than keeping our family together. I feel SO much better now! Glad we had this talk.

Can I undo the family reunion? No, but really, I'm not feeling motivated to attend other family gatherings either.

Believe it or not, I'm not angry. I'm just...

Up at 4:30 am with a heavy heart, a box of kleenex, and a quickly shrinking address list.

..................................

When God tells me to write things like the above, I often ask why. I already dread the responses. I already dread the "you know I'm always here for you" statements that are self-defense cloaked in accusation, and while well-intended have not been true. I've been going through this for a year. I already know what to expect, and I dread the "I'm sorry you are still so sad and have had to go through this" statements.

I'm not sad, and I'm not sorry I had to go through this. I've hated it, but I've learned more about compassion, grace, and mercy than I ever could have in any other way. Frankly, I am sickened by the legalistic, mind-over-matter, if-you-just-get-the-spiritual-stuff-right-it'll-work manure I gave as responses to hurting hearts and broken lives before. How God didn't just slap me really hard or kill me then is beyond me. But He didn't. Instead, He allowed me to walk through hell, watch my life be burned up while I was there, and come out the other side shocked at the destruction, but more sure of His amazing mercy, compassion, and understanding than ever. I have seen aspects of God in the hell of the last year that I could have never seen on a cushy pew or at some home Bible study.

And I am not sorry.

I'll tell you why I think God wanted me to write this. I think there are people out there whose lives are coming apart at the seams, and you don't understand the stripping down, clearing out, and complete excavation of your lives. People around you are watching and auditioning for the starring roles of Job's friends. You are staring at God wondering what you've done and begging Him to just tell you so you can fix it. And where you are is hell, and you are wondering what you've done to make God so mad.

If that is you, let me tell you something. All these people being deleted from my email list, I don't think they are wrong, and I don't think I am wrong. I think we don't work together for this season, and God has no problem removing something good to give me something better. And that is not to say the new people or activities coming in are better than those going out. Those people and activities were great FOR THAT SEASON. God has new things and people that are better FOR THIS SEASON.

And, yes, there is going to be something new, and, yes, you should thank God for the new thing, but it's okay to say, "This is HARD, and it blooming HURTS!" Yes, it is, and, yes, it does.

Unfortunately, I have no insta-answer. What I can tell you is I'm going to get off my computer now, and I'm going to pray for whomever else is doze-sleeping, looking at the clock a lot, or just not sleeping at all, and, yes, I believe God knows that is you.

God knows it is hard, and He knows you hurt. I'm praying you find Him in the empty place, that He gives you a place to lay down your heavy heart...and I pray you get some sleep.


--------------

I FOUND THE PICTURES!!!!!

For all of you who prayed, thank you! Thank you! Thank you!