The Hard Nights

It's about 10:30 when I crawl into bed...trying to get comfortable in my skin...and I lie there staring into the mostly dark with the lightning playing its flashy game of peekaboo through the window.

And I stare.

And tap fingers on my stomach.

And roll eyes to look at the glowing numbers on my bedside clock.

Minutes. I've passed minutes.

Sigh.

These are the hard nights.

It isn't the night after a long day with the kids or a mentally exhausting day with house repairs or a day spent on the phone navigating my way through computerized voices only to be told computers are down, can I call back later.

Those are the nights when I crawl into bed happy the day is over, happy to have a reprieve, happy for the quiet. Those are the nights my eyes are almost closed before my head hits the pillow. Those are the easy nights.

Tonight my mind is full.

It is full of manuscript progress and things I learned in my research. It is full of another saving grace from the world-reboot no longer needed...and released...and the excitement of the next adventure. It is full of the things that kept a smile on my face throughout the day...that keeps a smile on my face now.

My mind is full...and my bed is empty.

And it is hard.

Because there is no one to tell about upper recievers and lower receivers and glass bedded anything. There is no one who cares that I FINALLY figured out that plot snag I have been trying to untangle for a week. No one is there to give testament to my stepping from one season to another. No one to smile with me or laugh or roll his eyes at a bad joke.

Those are hard nights...the full-heart crying empty nights...

...Not because I have no one to share my bed...but because I have no one to share my life.

And that is hard.

Tell Them...YES!!!

This morning I am sitting in my recliner with a blanket tucked around me, fluids on the table beside me, and meds coursing through me. You know the point when you feel so lousy you are hoping it is a virus that is nearly done running its course because you cannot fathom actually making yourself find the energy to go to the doctor to get meds to feel better? I'm there.

One thing I've learned about God is He uses sickness to still me so I can listen without distraction. I am not feeling obligated to clean house or do dishes or run to the grocery store or have a phone conversation. Sickness is my "free excuse" for being still.

And don't get me wrong. I'm not one of those sappy folks who have the grace to be still and be thankful for the right to suffer for Him and all that. Oh, no. I do not do the martyr thing well. I do not go down without a fight, and I whine horribly at my body's vulnerablities and weaknesses. Really. I am an unlovely patient.

BUT, God is good and faithful, and when I'm done fighting and whining and finally say, "Okay, I'm here. I'm glad you are here, too. What do you want to talk about?", He usually takes me into some really good deep stuff. When it is over, my soul feels full, and I feel recharged throughout my whole being.

This morning I was telling Him how I missed writing the blog, but I really don't have anything profound to say, and I don't want to take up your time and space with fluff.

I heard His sweet whisper, "Ask Me what I want to tell them."

I smiled. "What do you want to tell them?"

"TELL THEM I LOVE THEM!" He boomed excitedly.

"Tell them I love when they come to me. I love time with them. I love hearing the excitement of their lives, and I love when they let me tell them about my excitement. Tell them I love them...high...and long...and wide...and deep...

and if they are wondering if they are still welcome here, the answer is YES!!!"

God's Rushing Heart

Under the weather with this sinus gunk that seems to desire a long term relationship despite my best breakup efforts. While I recuperate....

Heart deep wisdom from WonderBoy's rushing heart....

"You know you feel God rush around in your heart when you see that there are little $1.00-$4.00 trinkets, 90% off, and you can imagine little kids, smiling, laughing, and playing with them."

Is your heart rushing?

Believing in Full

It is late, and I should be sleeping. Instead, I've been lying here in the dark staring at the ceiling I can't see as the day ambles back through my mind. My mind is so awed, and my heart is so full. Sleep cannot find its way in.

Every year I pray for a "word" for the year. It might be an actual one word thing, or it might be a phrase. I've had years when God gave me a whole chapter. This year He gave me one word--"fulfill".

I looked the word up. It means "completely whole lacking nothing, containing all that is possible."

Wow.

The definition stills leaves me amazed.

I will tell you straight up that the Lord has fulfilled a LOT this year. My children and I are in great places spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. It has been a very good year. However...

There are areas of my life that don't feel fullfilled. In my mind and heart, there are some things lacking and there is space for a few other things. In fact, there are some things He has promised that have not arrived. And there are only 9 days left in the year, and I'm getting a bit...antsy.

This morning as I was praying, I confessed my weaknesses. In my weakness, He is strong. I need His strength to keep my faith boosted. I need Him to strengthen me because this is an area where I am still maturing. Instead of trying to cover it up, I took it to Him, laid it at His feet, and asked Him to handle it. Then I went on and prayed about other things.

When my quiet time was done, I checked my "random verse of the day".

Numbers 23:19

God is not human, that he should lie,
not a human being, that he should change his mind.
Does he speak and then not act?
Does he promise and not fulfill?

"Jerri, have I ever promised anything and not fulfilled it?"

Never.

In fact, He is so crazy deep concerned about me personally I often find myself lost in the awe of it. He is so personal. I lose my keys, look until I am convinced I tossed them in the trash somehow, ask Him to show me, minutes later keys are in my hand. REALLY, He is totally all about me.

Like today.

My neighbor is Vietnamese. She makes the best eggrolls I have ever had. I could eat these things until I was sick. In the past, she brought them over fairly regularly. However, it has been over 2 1/2 years since the last time she has blessed us with egg rolls. I was thinking about that this morning while considering what to bake for everyone in the neighborhood for Christmas, something we used to do every year but haven't as we've been healing.

A few hours later, someone knocked on our door. Yes. It was Pham. Yes. In her hand was a bag of eggrolls. In the other hand was homemade sauce. Such delights! Inconsequential to the world, but so good for my heart. Desire of my heart? Maybe. Who am I to say what importance God puts on desires? I enjoy these eggrolls immensely, and I missed them. Perhaps when an Almighty God is totally all about showing you His promises do not fail, that is desire enough.

That would have been amazing enough, but there is more.

Tuesday night I was doing some much needed shopping. While looking for winter clothes, I prayed about jewelry. In a clear answer, I heard, "I will handle that."

Okay.

When Pham was here, she said she had something for the kids and me. She went home and returned with a beautiful set of candles (also a WAY amazing story) and a bag of stuff. I know. You know what it is, but not just jewelry. Try EIGHT earring/necklace sets, and they are lovely.

Then my Christmas plans took a hit.

My brother, whom I think very highly of and enjoy greatly, was going to be here Christmas Day. However, he is driving in from an area with a good chance of rough winter weather. He can't stay the night, and I don't want him to risk driving into ice and freezing stuff, so I suggested we reschedule. And that was hard because I know his life schedule, and he is genuinely busy. His schedule is not forgiving or agreeable. Until a few days ago, we weren't even sure he was scheduled off for Christmas, so I knew if I gave up Christmas Day the chances of Christmas with him at any point plummeted. Still, I would prefer he be safe, so I told him I thought it would be better if he stay home and tried to psych myself up to cooking a "big" Christmas dinner for three of us.

"I have off Christmas Eve. Want to do Christmas then?"

What?!?!?!? Christmas Eve?!?!?!?! YES! YES! Happy Snoopy dance YES!!!

There were other things. Other prayers answered, kindnesses received, and just overwhelming personal attention. Things I would think of or wonder about or wish I knew...and within hours, they were put in my hands.

And these things keep floating through my mind over and over, and sleep isn't coming, and I'm really okay with that because I have this love drunk smile on my face because of everything He did...and what He is going to do...the promises He is going to fulfill.

Think about it. If He values me so much that He plans ahead to give me my favorite eggrolls that I haven't thought of in...,months...
...if He gave me jewelry that is beautiful...
...if He worked my brother's schedule to get him here despite the weather so we could have Christmas together because I really like it...
...if He adores me so much that He gives me the unnecessary things in my heart and the people who give me great joy...
...if He is all about those "little" things that look so nothing-ish from a life impact perspective...
...surely there is nothing "great" that He will not give me...
...no promise of fullfillment He will withhold.

There is no strength He will withhold...
...no gift of faith to strengthen my ability to stand...
...knowing He does not, cannot lie.

As I finish this, there are now 8 days left of this year.

I believe they are going to be full.

Looking Forward to the Best of Me

I've been spending some time considering our accomplishments and progress of the last year. Really, I am very happy with it all. We've come so far. We are doing great, and we are excited about where we are and where we are going. 

Really, it's good.

Now I am looking forward to next year and thinking about where I want us to get, what I want us to do, and the how of it all. I have a lot of ideas. Most of it is pretty typical or at least low key. Challenging but probably nothing that will make its way here.

 But as usual, I have ideas and "want to" things that trigger the voice in the back of my mind that says, "Um, maybe we should run this by someone and make sure you aren't crazy."

 I love when that voice goes off. It tells me we are offroading, and that is where the best of me comes out. :-)