When Things are Changing, I Remind Myself He Isn't

My peace is not in frantically trying to find answers for the changes coming but looking to my Answer for the peace to walk through the changes coming.

It's not the stick-your-head-in-the-sand kind of peace, but the rest my heart in His faithfulness kind of peace.

I am not the only one dealing with and walking through life changes, and the fact is we can hate them or we can have faith in His character through them.

And instead of begging Him to move the mountain, we need to be asking He plans to move in us because of the mountain.

Challenges are not punishment. They may be conseuqences, but even in the consequences He offers grace to those with repentant hearts, but even in the grace, challenges are for our growth, not our going under. He isn't a God who delights in seeing us suffer but suffered so we can delight in Him.

Do we get it? Do we get that the God who made all this uses changes to make something new in us and uses us to make Himself known in the world? These challenges are not something to get through. They are something we build on.

The only way creation happens is for something old to be destroyed. Sometimes that something is an empty place. Sometimes it is something we cling to that leaves us empty.

Tonight I am sitting here thinking of the changes that are coming, and in the past I would get worked up, but tonight I am settling in. There is a lot I don't know, and it could drop me to my knees in fear of what to expect, but it is dropping me to my knees in expectant prayer instead.

I expect an answer.

I expect His light to show the way.

I expect His wisdom to pour into me.

I expect Him to order my steps.

I expect Him to meet our needs.

I expected Him to bring good things to pass.

I expect life...abundant life...to come out of all this.

And it isn't becaue I'm His favorite.

It's because HE is faithful.

He is faithful.

Not to always give me the easy road.

Or to give me what I think I want.

But to give me Him.

In all things.

And that never changes.

Stay on the journey...

Jerri Kelley

--www.jerrikelley.com--

The One Thing That Really Matters

So WonderGirl and I went to see a play today for one of her classes. The take away is something I have said so many times.

 You can't always control what happens in life.
You control how you react to what happens in life.

I often get asked how the kids and I came through 2010 and 2011 so well and reached the point of joy and excitement we have now.

I decided no person and no event defined us.

 Only God defined us.

They kids believed me because they saw it in me. That's it. Right there.

There was no great self-help book. We didn't spend months in counseling (less than 10 hours total, actually). We never took meds. We didn't go to classes. We didn't listen to DVDs or this teaching or that teaching.

We asked a question:
God, what do you say about us?

 

And we have tried to live that with undaunted faith.

--Jerri L. Kelley--

My Fitness Journey: Gym Day

I am venturing into the world of vlogging. This is my second video. The first one got erased because I didn't think you would like the neck cramp that came with keeping your head tilted at a 90 degree angle to watch it. (sigh....) Between us, I'm nervous. This is new, and...well, I don't want to make a fool of myself, BUT, I'm going to put this up here for two reasons:
1. We all have those low motivation days when there are a million other things we want to do, and
2. Being afraid of looking foolish is one of the top reasons people don't do amazing things or things they have always wanted to do or just trying something different. I'm learning to embrace the possibility of looking foolish because you know what? I have never died from looking foolish, and, it just might turn out that I end up doing something amazing.
Stay on the journey!
Jerri

https://youtu.be/Po2XIPWlUus 

 

Special thanks to my favorite WonderGirl who helped me navigate YouTube and create my own channel. What would this mommy blogger do without you?!

The Only Perfect Thing

This morning in church, the question was posed:
What one thing would make your life perfect?

The answers included more time, security, money, patience, faith.

I started not to say anything but heard myself blurt out:
God. Only God would make my life perfect.

There was the awkward look and the quip that I must be more spiritual than the others, and I wanted to reply:
No. I've just been crushed enough to know the truth.

The truth is "the perfect life" is a lie.

The Deceiver says the perfect life is one that is easy, comfortable, without stress. It is safe, controlled. And with that comes the mirage, or Big Lie Part 2: if you have the right stuff, you can make your life the perfect life.
If you have security, you won't have to worry about crazy happenings again.
If you have money, you won't have to worry about bills or finances.
If you have enough patience, you won't feel frustrated with situations or people.
If you have enough time, you will get everything done.
If you have enough faith, you can release the things into your life that you need so the struggles really aren't struggles at all.

But here is the truth:
There is no earthly thing that gives us control over circumstances or outcomes. Nothing.

None of those things keep our kids' hearts from being broken.
None of those things prevent crushing medical diagnoses.
None of those things promise peace in relationships.
None of those things guarantee we won't have struggles.

See, according to Jesus, the perfect life isn't a life without struggles. The perfect life is how we live within the struggle...Who we live within the struggle.

We have no control over what happens in our lives, but we control how we walk through what comes.
We have no way to prevent pain or suffering, but we can choose how we walk through the pain and suffering.
We cannot protect our children or grandchildren from struggles, but we can show them how to hold onto and trust God through those struggles.

The perfect life isn't about avoiding the hard road or the painful places. The perfect life just knows Who carries us as we walk the hard road and face the painful places, and the only thing that will ever make a perfect life is God.


copyright Jerri Kelley @ 2017

Living Decisively

Last I left you, I was hanging with The Pit. I still am. In fact, she is sitting beside me on the loveseat on the deck as we enjoy the last hour of warm sunlight today. From where we are sitting, I can look out over most of the acre of land that came with the house, and I am pondering.

My life is sliding toward the middle of a major transition. WonderGirl is a sophomore in college, and WonderBoy is now a freshman in college, and you may be wondering how you missed that. Don't worry. In Texas, dual credit is a great option for high school kids. Although he is still a high school junior, he will finish the rest of his school taking college classes. So, they are flourishing and exploding with all things wonderful. They both have their driver's license now, and in the next month or two, I will buy a car for WonderBoy and me to share. Although right now, he rides with WonderGirl, that could change this summer, so I want us to both be ready. With all the awesome stuff they are doing, they are needing my intense timing less, which frees me up to do other things, and that is what I am pondering.

I have always wanted to be a vegetable gardener. I have great memories of my grandmother and me working in the garden, picking the vegetables, and canning lots jars for the winter. Part of me wants to be more like her, I think. She loved gardening. She relaxed in it. I know part of the gardening thing is nostalgia, but part of it is that I love fresh food straight from the garden. It has flavor that you can't buy in a store, or even at a farmer's market. So I was talking to my cousin about it over the weekend. She is a good gardener. She cans her food. You would have thought she grew up on the farm instead of me. She told me about keyhole gardening, so I researched, and it does sound wonderful, but I have to be honest. I don't know where I would get a dumpster full of cardboard, the (not so much grass) green stuff, or the ongoing food to feed through the compost chute. Plus, there is the time factor, and that has me stumped more than anything.

For the first time in my 48 years of life, I am an adult with no one who needs me all the time. I'm not trying to work out life around a husband or focusing on what is best for the kids. Granted, the kids play a huge role in my life still, but it is strange to not need to be needed all the time. Understand, "strange" is not bad. On the contrary, it is beautiful. I love having adult kids. I love watching them working their flight plans out so they can leave the nest. They are amazing people, and it is fun watching them becoming even more solid in who they are.

So I am wondering what to do with this freedom.

I have had the privilege of being home with the kids their whole lives, and I wouldn't trade that for anything, but it is nearing time for me to contribute to the world in other ways. So I am thinking job. I am wondering about classes. I am trying to order my days so I get work done on the house, get housework done, spend some time writing, keeping people as a priority, and volunteering more.

In all honesty, I am in the best place I have ever been in my life mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, and physically, I'm working on it. Lost some significant weight, dealing with a plateau, but really liking the way my body is changing as I keep pushing myself with weights and construction projects.

In fact, I have considered volunteering with Habitat again. I really enjoy construction, and I know my way around a drill and hammer.

There really are a lot of possibilities, and it is easy to follow every whim that comes along. But right now, I have a dog I am committed to training sitting beside me, and she is not a small time investment. I am waiting to see how things shake out with some suggested programs at the sheriff's office, and I want to write seriously again. Plus, changing lifestyles is no small thing...or small time expenditure. Add the coffees and lunches and relationships, and I am wondering if a keyhole garden is a good thing, or a God thing. I've been caught in the trap of good v. God before, and I like to think I am not as easily fooled this time, but I didn't think I was being fooled before either. So, as the sun slips behind the fence, I am going to bid you good evening and go for a walk, listen to the quiet, and let the path come before me.

I pray you have a glorious evening.

Shalom...

When Everything Else is Burned Away...I AM

You ever put your life on the altar and let God get rid of everything that isn't of Him? Most folks would never do that. They would never choose that kind of risk. They would never give up their control in order to give Him ultimate control. They would never choose something so scary. In fact, most folks don't, and frankly, that is why most folks are still living the same lives they have been living for the last decade (or several decades) wondering why nothing changes.

They sit in the same place every week for church, talk to the same folks they always do, quote the same scriptures, claim the same promises, and see the same results...and wonder why.

Let me answer that question:

Because if you want a different view, you have to take a different road.

Or as a coach I knew when I was teaching in public school said:

If you aren't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

You know what it takes to become the lead dog?

It takes being willing to push yourself beyond your comfort zone.
It takes thinking differently.
It takes conviction that you have a road God wants you to go down that someone else may not choose or understand.
It takes a willingness to hurt.
It takes prioritizing. 
It requires being broken down and built back up.
It takes leaving old mindsets behind...and sometimes the people who cannot think beyond them.
It takes a willingness to endure criticism...especially from people whose opinions can bless you...or hurt you...the most.
It takes crawling on the altar of the Whom you worship and letting Him burn away everything that isn't of Him...and praying for Him to hold you there when everything in you and your flesh screams for the easier road.

It's brutal.

And worth it.


Why am I telling you this? Because the craziest thing is that all that dying is really finding out what it means to live.  I always thought the point of being on the altar is to find myself. I thought when everything else was burned away I would find the core of me, the authentic part of me, the me I was created to be.

But you know what I found out is left when all the traditions, false identities, lies of others, fear, escapisms, safe roads, and protective garbage is burned to nothing?

I AM.

And in Him is the only place I was ever meant to be in the first place.

(excerpt from Warrior Undaunted, manuscript in process, copyright 2017 Jerri L. Kelley)

Real Honesty

Yesterday I wrote a blog about finding peace and joy in God. I wrote about how a rough day doesn't drive me to be more popular but leads me right to Him, where everything I really need is found in abundance.

Honestly, that was the point of the blog.

I almost didn't write it. After the confusion about my blog on grief, I had some concerns. I received some nice responses about the grief blog sending me hugs, condolences, prayers. People told me how sorry they are that we are so sad. I really, honestly, thought I wrote that blog in such a way as to say, "This is how we handled (past tense) the grief, and I'm sharing this because I know a lot of people who are grieving right now and hope to offer some encouragement and comfort that we know exists because we experience it."

Honestly, that was it.

Then I wrote about the day yesterday with the intent of saying even on bad days God is still the answer, and we look for easy answers, like the number of fans or likes or whatever affirms a writer, but the easiest answer is to go to God because He is always there, and nothing--NOTHING--is as precious and knowing God hears you and cares intimately about you.

Really, that is all I wanted to convey.

Today  I received a few, "I'm so sorry your life is so hard. I'm sorry you are so lonely. I'm sorry things are so bad." What? When did I ever say my life is hard or that I am lonely or that things are so bad? It was one day. ONE DAY! Are you really honestly telling me you don't have a rough day now and then?

I was praying about this earlier because I try really hard to be gracious and not hurt feelings. I would never intentionally hurt someone's feelings, but things that suggest we are stuck in grief or wallowing in misery or drowning in lonely is so much the antithesis of the truth and so totally against everything that undaunted reality stands for to me.

Undaunted Reality means you look at the circumstances, and you know God is bigger, and you stand in the bigness of God.
Undaunted Reality looks at the lies you have allowed to be your world and then you look at the truth God says is your world, and you choose the truth.
Undaunted Reality means you do not believe that you are less  but you believe God is more.

I do not wallow. I spend time in certain places because it takes time to work through certain things, but I face my giants head on with the intent of stepping over a dead body because I've got better things to do that look at a rotting corpse.

I do not dwell in loneliness. I don't have a huge social life, but I am not a big social life person, so if I am hiding in busy social activities, I'm doing just that...hiding.

I am not unhappy. Ask anyone who knows me. I have a loud laugh. We'll call it "boisterous", and you can hear it multiple times a day, and it is sincere.

I am not discouraged or in despair. On the contrary, I am very excited about the stuff I am writing that no one is reading yet. I'm excited about the work I am doing in my backyard. I'm excited about going to see my favorite band in concert this fall.

I have also become very picky in how I spend my time. For a long time I felt like I was drowning, and honestly, I was afraid of drowning. I have seen way too many women who lose husbands to death or divorce who go into a dark hole and camp there. I was not going to be that kind of woman, so I did a lot of stuff to keep me busy, make me get out of the house, make me talk to people, maybe even find stuff I enjoy again. Now, I've let a lot of that go because it was useful for the purpose of something to keep me moving, but it isn't long term. I do not spend my time on stuff I don't enjoy just so I have something to do. I'd rather be home with a book because I'm not drowning, and I'm not afraid of drowning. Besides, David Baldacci is good brain candy.

I know there are people who are in dark places. Grief is hard. Trying to find yourself in ways that feed your ego but not your soul only leads to a bigger mess. I know this, so I write about this because while I am far from perfect, we've come through grief. We are coming through grief beautifully. My kids were 10 and 13 when their dad died. As much as it may shock some folks, for them to still miss their dad is very normal, and honestly, every time there is a major life milestone, they will grieve him. It is the way we are emotionally wired, and it is beautiful and wonderful because that is how God made us.

I write about those things because when we went through it, no one knew how to walk through it with us. People who love us deeply inflicted some significant pain, not because they meant to. They would never intentionally hurt us, but they didn't know what to do or say. They didn't understand the process. No one talks about it.
No one talks about divorce and how hard it is to stay in church when your marriage is coming apart and your husband or wife walks out. No one talks about the rage or the confusion or the insane pain of watching your world crumble. No one dare say that they have days when they don't give a f---- if anyone prays for them or not because on that day the pain in them or in their kids is so high and so overwhelming it feels like God does not give an f--- and has walked out. No  one talks about the undaunted reality of pain, grief, loss, hope, rebuilding, finding courage to face your worst nightmare because none of those things are allowed in a church culture where you better by golly be "blessed", "highly favored", or "so very thankful" or you are looked at like you are failing as a church attender.

Well, you know what? I've lived those things. I've said all the four letter words. In fact, I've screamed them at God on more than one occasion, and I am not afraid of reality. I am not afraid of the truth. I am not afraid of the church taboo topics. And you want to know something really, really important? God is not afraid of them either.

And there are people lost in that world I just described who need someone to find them because they don't know how to find their way out, and by heavens, I will write as raw and real and ugly as necessary to find them and give them hope that there is something beyond the nightmare where they are.

If I may be so bold, if all you see is loneliness, grief, and a hard life when you read my writings, I'm guessing you are one of those people who are lost in this world. I pray you stay here. I ask you to pray for me that I would have words for God to use show you the road out. I'm not judging you. I've been there. I have prayed for you to be here, and I am praying that everything you need to walk from the void into life more abundantly is laid out in these posts. I am praying for you to find hope, life, and anticipation here. I am praying you find wonder again. I am praying you find...a reality of God you may have never known, and I am praying you find faith in Him that is...undaunted.

When Every Day Life is Daunting

I'm tired of life as usual.

I'm tired of sitting on my butt in my comfy little world when I know I have abilities that can help people.

I know God has His own perfect timing, and I don't want to fight that, but honestly, I wonder how often I live a small life under the excuse of "waiting for God's timing" when I simply do not get off my butt and act with determination, purpose, and fortitude.

I'm writing a book entitled "Warrior Undaunted". Can one be an undaunted warrior without living an undaunted life? More pointedly, am I living the undaunted life I'm supposed to be living, and if not, what do I need to do to engage life fully, with abandon, with passion, and with uncompromising purpose?

In the Beginning...of a Great Week

It's Monday!

You have a whole week to...
     ...do wondrous things,
            ...invest in creating the life you want,
                 ...love people deep,
                      ...and make a difference in this world!

And if you think it won't give you a chance, make one!!!

Because Sometimes I Look in the Mirror...and See a Prostitute

Jennifer over at Getting Down with Jesus is one of the places I like to visit. She speaks to where I live, and honestly, it is nice to have the company.

I wanted to share one of her recent posts that spoke right to my heart on the day it came through. It was one of those days when the failures were numerous, the memories relentless, and the need to be found overwhelming. It was one of those days when I looked in the mirror...and saw a prostitute.

If you ever have one of those days, you need to read Jennifer's post about The Day a Kid Asked Me about "That Prostitute."

Time Well Spent--Part 2, What is Gained in Wasted Time

It was right before Christmas when it hit me.

2 1/2 years.

We had been hurting and healing for 2 1/2 years.

I pulled my covers tight and buried my head in my pillow.

2 1/2 wasted years.

How does one make peace with wasted time?

There is so much we could have done with 2 1/2 years, so much I could have taught the children instead of trying to keep them stable, so many things we could have seen, so many places we could have gone...so much we missed...

So much wasted time.

So much wasted life.

And what did we have to show for that time?

So many hard lessons learned. So much hard-won wisdom gained. So many life skills imparted. So much confidence in the ability to overcome. So much understanding of pain...what hurts...and those who hurt...and how to touch the pain gently. So much compassion. So much...

...ability to live well.

In the time we were trying to figure out simply how to survive, we were drowning in the grace of learning to live well.

It wasn't what I thought those years would look like or should look like. It certainly wasn't what I had wanted them to look like, but we came out being the people I want us to be.

Time Well Spent--Part 1, What Does It Look Like

Time from the moment we walked into the ER until my daughter was released after emergency surgery--24 hours.

I had plans for those 24 hours. It was the week before Thanksgiving, and I was going to bake pumpkin bread for neighbors, make pie to freeze for Thanksgiving dinner, clean the house, grocery shop, and other really important things. We all know what Thanksgiving is supposed to look like, and these things were necessary for that to happen, so these were very important things to get done. After all, what happens if we don't do life like it's supposed to be done, like others expect it to be done? What happens when others look at us and expect us to be doing Thanksgiving when we are just thankful to...be healing?

I'll tell you what happens because I know what happens.

Life goes on.

The world does not end because there is no turkey on the table. The revolution around the sun continues whether there is cranberry sauce or not. Peanut butter sandwiches keep the orbit in groove as well as left over ham sandwiches do.

Life goes on.

What do people think? Frankly, most folks don't think about it at all. I feel very confident that well over 99% of the people on this planet never gave one thought to our Thanksgiving. We just aren't that important on a global scale. Of the people who did think about us, there were most likely three groups: the group who were glad all of us were home and healing on Thanksgiving, the group who thought about how to help us heal, and the group who thought about how our healing inconvenienced them.

The real issue--what really has any impact at all on me--is what I think.

I think the people who rejoiced that my daughter was healing are a gift.
I think the people who asked how to help the healing did more for us in the grocery runs, dinner drop-offs, and transportation than they can know.
I think the people who find us inconvenient spend enough time thinking about themselves and their lives that they are covered and I need not expend my energy--mental or emotional--on them.
And...

I think healing is time well spent.

Looking Forward to the Best of Me

I've been spending some time considering our accomplishments and progress of the last year. Really, I am very happy with it all. We've come so far. We are doing great, and we are excited about where we are and where we are going. 

Really, it's good.

Now I am looking forward to next year and thinking about where I want us to get, what I want us to do, and the how of it all. I have a lot of ideas. Most of it is pretty typical or at least low key. Challenging but probably nothing that will make its way here.

 But as usual, I have ideas and "want to" things that trigger the voice in the back of my mind that says, "Um, maybe we should run this by someone and make sure you aren't crazy."

 I love when that voice goes off. It tells me we are offroading, and that is where the best of me comes out. :-)

A Better Answer--Part 7, The Power of Accepting Another Reality

I spent three days mostly in tears.

I made the mistake of telling someone who promptly said, "Jerri, you need to get on meds and go to a counselor. Three days of crying is not normal."

I agree. In HER world where her husband who is wonderful comes home from work, her mom lives close enough to drop by for dinner, she is successful in her career, and she thinks she has control of time it would be extremely abnormal for her to cry for three days. Anyone who has a life like hers and cries a lot would be concerning.

However, I wasn't living her life.

I was living a life that included children grieving their dad with the anger, sadness, and insomnia that includes, a family that had disintegrated, the attempt to figure out what was real in 19 years of marriage, being alone ALL THE TIME, working through an estate, and a whole slew of other things. AND I was trying to do it by myself because I was infinitely tired of the suggestion of counseling and drugs to make me happy enough for public acceptance.

In MY world, grief and all that it entails was normal. Crying on any given day over any given thing was normal. However, it did not fit into HER world, and she didn't take time to understand mine.

She never asked what made me sad. She never asked how she could help. She never offered to listen. Instead, she demanded I do whatever it took to fit back into her world and her comfort zone.

What she did not seem to realize is I had no way to fit into her comfort zone because I no longer lived in her world.

Imagine if life as you knew it were gone forever. Imagine if your routine, the key people in your life, the way you lived, the security you had, even the idea you actually controlled what would happen tomorrow or later today were gone. Imagine if your reality...was a vague memory covered in the dust of major devestation.

Imagine this with me:
...no more Lego building with Daddy
...no more father/daughter dances or dates
...the texts/emails/calls never coming again
...imagine the inside jokes...that only belong to you now
...dinner coming and the empty chair that won't be filled when Daddy gets home from his business trip
...no more date nights
...8:00 o'clock coming EVERY SINGLE NIGHT...and you watch your favorite shows...alone

Need I go on?

Insert your own imaginations. Whether it be a spouse, a child, a parent, a sibling, a best friend...the person(s) who makes your lifescape what it is.

Imagine taking that person out of the lifescape, what is left untouched?

Anything?

Now imagine people expecting you to act as though nothing has really changed.

Welcome to reality.

Do you think you would be happy? Do you think you could face each day with a smile? Do you really think you could walk in a closet where your spouse's clothes used to hang or down the hall where your child's laughter used to come through the door...and be "normal"?

Or do you think you might be angry? You might be confused? You might have questions? You might just want to go to bed and not get up? That particular songs, clothing, or days would send you tumbling into the reality that nothing can ever be "normal" again?

How do you think you would feel if someone told you not to feel that way?

How do you think you would feel if someone told you not to cry, to get over it, move on, or focus on what you have? How do you think you would feel if someone suggested the children that are still living should make you feel less loss about the one who has died? How would you feel if someone quoted scripture about not having a right to be angry, not having the right to ask questions, not having a right to be sad?

What if you had the flu and someone told you the Bible says to be joyful in all trials because trials produce all those good things, therefore, you should be joyful you have the flu? Or what if you are to give thanks in all things, so you should give thanks for being worthy to have the flu? What if someone told you to not whine about the aches or fever or vomiting that makes every muscle in your body hurt? What if they told you to get out of bed and act like all was fine because really, this is so inconvenient for everyone else? Would you think they really understood what it meant to have the flu? Would it cross your mind that if you sneezed their direction, a small case of the flu might help them understand YOUR reality?

Or would you want them to understand your misery, understand the pain, understand that in the midst of aching all over physically and mentally you feel like it is never going to get better? Would you want them to understand that you hate that this has happened to you and you might be angry or confused by how intense the suffering is?

Would you possibly just want someone to understand?

Would you want someoen to ask how you are? What you need? How they could help?

Would you want them to reply without judgment of the accuracy of your feelings, thoughts, or desires? Would you want them to simply accept your answer without tleling you how correct or appropriate for the situation it was or how you compared to other who have had a cold?

Would you want them to simply accept you as you were for that moment knowing if given time and the right care you will heal?

Here is the reality check:
Flu reality is in a whole other league from normal, everyday annoyances reality.
Loss and grief reality is a whole other world.

It is wholly unrealistic to expect people living in those worlds to act as though they were in yours.

If you want to have a relationship or want to support them,

 you have to accept them where they are, as they are.

The goal is not to help them find their way back to your reality because they can't.

It will never happen.

The goal is to help them through the grief so they can build life in theirs.

In the Middle of the Holidays

I've spent the day writing posts about grief and how to help others who are hurting, but I'm wondering, how are you?

How are you doing this holiday season?

Was Thanksgiving okay? Did you make it through alright?

I'm being serious. I know Thanksgiving can be...whew. Those empty chairs or broken traditions or the wrong person making the dressing. They can be...almost too much.

Shoot. Sometimes they can be too much. Last year was the first year without Mom and Rob. Before that, my family came here, and we had to add chairs to the table, and it was loud, and...I couldn't stand the thought of having no one here last year, so we didn't. The kids and I volunteered to serve dinner to folks who had no place to go.

Sometimes the past echoes too loud for the present to be bearable. When that happens, it's okay to say, "I can't do this." It is okay to change the tradition to do something new. To find a place to breathe.

In case no one has told you...
Don't be afraid to find your own place to breathe.

And what about those of you who have a few holidays under your belt? How is for you this year? Is it better? Harder?

The first holidays without Mom stung, but there was so much other trauma going on that my emotional and mental processes didn't really get clicking about Mom not being there until the second year. I was shocked at the difficulty of last year. Wow. I missed my mom.

And it was harder in some ways because it was the SECOND holidays, and we all know the worst ones are the first ones, right? After that, it should be SO much easier.

If only.

Sometimes the numb is still there the first year and the second year slams you like a tsunami.

I found it shocking, which was hard, but it was harder because I didn't want to say anything to anybody because I'd already heard enough of the "you should be over it" stuff. I didn't need more of that, so I mostly stayed quiet. Not sure that was the best answer, though.

How about you? Has that happened to you? Is it happening to you? If so, who are you missing? Want to tell me about them? About the pain? About the missing?

What about right now? Today? How are you?

Are you looking ahead a few weeks and trying to figure out how to get through that day that you are just sure is going to bury you? Or wondering how to get through better than last year? Or maybe you are like us and are actually very excited about the holidays this year. Feels good, doesn't it?

And for those who are wondering if you'll ever get to a place that actually feels exciting or happy or joyous again, if you keep walking through the grief, you will. It may not be next year, and it may not be the second year, but you will get there. I wondered if we'd get there because it felt like we'd never get out of the shadow of pain, but I can tell you we are joyful, and we are excited, and we really do anticipate good things. I know it sounds cliche', but time does help.

Or are you just trying to figure out how to get shopping done for the ones still here but aren't staying? And for some of you, the loss is so recent...the gifts have already been bought...and you can't take them back and you can't keep them and...Dear God in Heaven, what do you do? I don't know, but I cry for you, and I pray for you, and I ask Him to give you strength for today, for tomorrow, for this holiday and the ones to come.

You know, people might tell you that you need to do this or that, keep this or that tradition, whatever. They are afraid you're going to get stuck in misery and never celebrate again, but I think sometimes a year off is okay. I think sometiems it gives you a chance to focus your energies on healing. Sometimes it is good to let others take over and cover you. Sometimes it is good to just let the day go by without anything. Only you know what you are up to. Don't be guilted into anything, and don't feel like a failure if you just decide you can't do this.

 

Sometimes healing is enough to do.

The big deal is making it through this.

Sometimes, just getting through the holidays may feel bigger than you. When that happens, step out of something or step into something you need that feeds you in some other way.

For us, we stepped out of the family dinner at home and stepped into helping someone else. It was a good diversion. Friends invited us to join them, but really, we just needed to be us that day, and we were. If you need to just be you, give yourself permission to do that.

Really, the big deal is to get through okay. There is no right way or wrong way--okay, lots of booze or gratuitous sex is not a right way to handle things. But hopefully, you get understand what I'm trying to say.

Be kind to yourself.
Give yourself room to heal.
Give yourself room to grief.

It's okay to cry.
It's okay to be angry.
It's okay to hold those homemade ornaments and cry so hard your body aches.
It's okay to stay in bed a day or two. I know people will tell you not to do that, but I've talked to a lot of folks who have found a day or two in bed didn't end the world. There is something about just giving yourself a day to let the hurt work through, to let the missing wash out, to be empty...and not need to be anything else. It really is okay. Just don't stay there. :-)

And I give you my word, it does get easier. It isn't perfect, but it is easier, and I know you can get there. I know this year may seem like it'll bury you, but I believe you can make it. I'm praying for you. Don't give up. Keep going. Even if still going means going to bed for a day. :-)

In the meantime, I'm really wondering--how are you doing?

**If you would like me to pray for you by name, leave a comment with your name in it. If you don't want it published, just let me know, "Jer, I'd like the prayer, but I'd like it private." Or if you don't want to give me your name, that is fine, too. Just drop a line saying, "Pray for me." I will. The road this time of year can be mighty hard when you are walking it alone. I'm with you in Him. Blessings.